1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Does Infidelity Runs In Family? Asking For A Friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vedhavalli, Jun 4, 2021.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    817
    Likes Received:
    1,179
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    My friend early 30's career oriented, has a good job in US. She was previously engaged to a guy 4 yrs back thru arranged by parents. Lots of red flags from the man's family and man himself was greedy spoke only about money. So friend's father broke the engagement. They asked more dowry, they asked to transfer properties on his name etc.
    Whole family took quite time to rewind from bitter experience.
    Meanwhile she came here for a job and continuing here. Didn't like any guys further for few years.

    Now a prospective groom from a portal, 36 yrs dentist, siblings settled, well traveled etc. My friend likes, her parents are happy with it.
    Upon further discussion we came to know that...
    1) the guy's grandfather had 2 wives.
    2) the guy's father has a child from illegal second wife (legal wife's son is this guy) who visits their home in India.
    Second wife & family live in same city as legal wife.
    3) this guy's sibling got married during UG college days later divorced in PG days. Now married to a coworker.,got married without telling family.

    The guy had told about grand father and father's second wives stories, but didn't tell sibling story we accidentally came to know thru a reliable friend.
    I think we have to verify all aspects when it comes to marriage that too these days...

    My friend's mom is okay with this alliance but dad is totally against it. Friend is the only daughter, her dad is saying this family isn't good later this guy may do something BTW friend's dad is a doctor by profession.
    Mom is saying "if grandpa, dad are cheating it doesn't mean this guy would do"
    The guy also telling same, just because my family is like that I won't be. He had openly told friend after few dates.
    Imo, I felt Peculiar that his dad's second wife's adult child visits first wife's house. His dad has no shame that he cheated his wife still cheating for 25 yrs.
    How can it happen WHY the first wife didn't fight or left her husband etc..

    My friend is interested but confused on this point, does Infidelity run in family?
    Can my friend go with this alliance?
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2021
    chanchitra and Hopikrishnan like this.
    Loading...

  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,580
    Likes Received:
    7,963
    Trophy Points:
    470
    Gender:
    Male
    Yes: given “ other things” ok, your friend should go ahead with the marriage as ageing of daughter can not be stopped or withheld. Prime Time has already runout.

    If one delineate with huge family tree of a fiancé or and of prospective groom or boy, some where some skeletons would be always found. ( many years later of marriage such skeletons tumbled out).

    Had this been the norm for fixingup marriages, even eternity would not be adequate.

    The life can never be perfect. For a while think of persons married where there was no hint of infidel in family network, yet here and there we hear stories.

    And then you seem to be an altruist always approach forum to help your pals and chummies with their issues, I wonder how you are at peace with yourself!
     
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,216
    Likes Received:
    1,403
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Though I can understand that the situation and the doubts of the father of the friend , if his daughter is marrying into such a family . But you also need to consider the character of the guy whom she wants to marry..even in families where all members are “ respectable” and clean in character, and no history of infidelity, problems do occur and rough patches do happen and lead to separations and divorces..
    Is the couple going to live jointly with the elders?
    Is the would be MIL supportive?
    Is the would be bridegroom clean in character?
    The friend is financially good and good job which is a positive aspect.
    Pls consider as a whole..
     
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,201
    Likes Received:
    1,233
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    Sharing isn't feasible for everyone. It takes a muse.
    My first thought on reading the #1 post, was "A second mother in law?":roflmao:

    I also remembered the forum discussion on HemaMalini, the hot 2nd MIL. The Deol children are all well settled and officially paired with only one other.

    I strongly recommend marriage to dentist. He has had good lessons from within the family. A lotus in a muddy pond ? And besides
    Flossing to get the dirt out is good indeed; but too much mental floss can irritate and bother.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,055
    Likes Received:
    5,306
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    This second “wife” situation was not unheard of in my grandparents and even my parents generation. Sometimes the entire family got along, other times they squabbled endlessly. It was also openly known in most cases.
    The child of the second wife is still a half-sibling of the first wife’s child. It is actually very generous if she allowed a relationship between the half-siblings despite her own feelings. The father was the one who betrayed the trust of his first family, but the children did not ask to be born and should not be punished for the sins of their parents.
    Infidelity largely depends on one’s own character, though if you don’t have good role models then patterns can end up repeating. If your friend and her family are really uncomfortable then it might be best to move on.
     
  6. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    817
    Likes Received:
    1,179
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you sir. She was my college mate those days we weren't close now the entire batch is very close. Because we believe school & college friendships lasts longer & stronger as the friendship formed during innocent years of life.

    Sometimes I'm not at peace, I'm an empath.
    I pray, I meditate relieve mental stress. Most of the time I feel I'm helping by lending ears to a friend. I'm very cautious about fake friends
     
    SGBV and Thyagarajan like this.
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,140
    Likes Received:
    9,858
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    @Vedhavalli - If this was some 15 years ago, my answer would have been to pick the man’s character over the father’s. Now, I’m the parent of an adult daughter. We’ve spent the better part of the last four years teaching her when to get out of a relationship. I wouldn’t want her in a house where such things are normalized to the point that the man has two wives and everyone is one big happy family. I don’t think this first wife had a say in the other marriage, had a say in the other woman having a baby and has a say today when that child visits her house.

    In an arranged marriage, we don’t marry just the man. We are married into the family. There will be a lot of family functions - from first Diwali to baby shower to naming ceremonies etc. This other family is going to be present in all of those events. I don’t know if I’ll be comfortable with that arrangement.

    This is how I feel too. I would be on the girl’s father’s side in this argument.

    Just because the father did this, doesn’t mean the son has to do it. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be in a relationship with any man who has seen his mother giving in to such things though. It’s the mother’s position and her son seeing her giving in that would worry me. We could say that seeing his mom hurt would mean he would respect his spouse better but I wouldn’t want to take that chance with my child.
    The question isn’t about infidelity but the kind of respect a woman gets in the house in general that would have me running to the nearest exit with my DD in tow.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,513
    Likes Received:
    3,194
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Its arranged marriage. So we can't take any chance. May be the guy is ok. But his mother didn't have a respectable life for whatever reasons.
    I agree with her Dad, we can't take any risk.
    If i were in this position, i wont proceed with this alliance

    If the girl know the guy for years and is 100% sure about this guy ( people can change after marriage) and is in love with him, the situation would have been different. But now there is no clear picture. Better not to take risk.
     
    yellowmango, Vedhavalli and drdiva like this.
  9. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I have the same opinion as Ddream..Why to take a chance in arranged marruage..plus i have seen the pattern repeating in a family. Not always but many times
     
    Vedhavalli and KashmirFlower like this.
  10. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    817
    Likes Received:
    1,179
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks @Laks09 @DDream @drdiva
    Her dad is vexed with her & her mom over continuing arguments. He said similar things though couple would stay in a different country, for few functions they have to be present etc.
    Her dad has asked the guy "why his mom didn't leave him only 2 sons, the mom's side family is rich, they could have supported her"
    The guy had replied her mom fought but they did a familial panchayath where his dad told he can't leave the second wife but he will provide for both families.
    Hearing this my friend's dad taken aback.
    And later the same the guy's mom called friend's mom cried not let go of this alliance as 2 times the gal's family walked away after hearing 2 wives tales, on her point she said we are not hiding we are telling truth, they could have hidden till engagement or wedding. His son heartbroken every time. Mom offered to feel at their feet.
    I feel it's to dramatic. My friend's mom fell for sympathy .

    Her only point is couple is going to live abroad, hardly 2 yrs once meetup, why to let go? If they come for functions don't even say hi-bye ignore them. Friend is agreeing to mom.
    The other son got married without telling parents for 2nd time , my friend says its his wish. Later with family they had a reception.
    At least this guy is going on good route I'd her argument.

    Friend had told the guy if any functions or family get-togethers the 'other family shouldn't come' because in front of their relatives it would be substandard.
    The guy had agreed.

    Now they are on talks for engagement in US, court wedding here. Both went for many dates, on constant FaceTime.
    I'm quite displeased, if it's my daughter I would never agree, its against law and society. Just because they project as one big family it's immoral..
     

Share This Page