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Does "if I Would Have Known You Better, I Would Have Invited You..." From A New Friend Sound Rude?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by sneha1985, Jul 19, 2020.

  1. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    So I met this American guy(will post the details below) who lives in about 5-6 hours of driving distance. When I contacted him first, he said he considers me his friend and I can reach out to him anytime to say hi or even for any questions I have (I had contacted him for some info). During that time he even said if I visit his city, he would take me around and if I plan to go somewhere he might join me. I too consider him as friend at this point. However I reached out to him after a month to see how he is doing and we talked about how I am not able to travel anywhere at all because of lockdown and he goes "If I would have known you better, I would have invited you here to hang out... I mean I know you won't steal anything of mine, but still.." and this statement of his hit me. I felt like he was super rude and disrespectful.

    So the story: We were traveling in his city here in California and my mom found a wallet on the street which belonged to this guy. It had his business card, I called, he came picked it up, mom was with me back then and he found the guy to be genuine and nice. He was super excited to get it back, told us he is emotionally attached to it and has been using it for 20+ years, offered $50 saying he wanted to buy us breakfast and we denied.

    I have more job opportunities in that city, so was thinking to move there in near future. I don't have any friends there, so I thought of getting to know more about the city from him if he is ok with it. My friends and family said it would be nice as you will also have someone over there who you know incase of anything. So companies are not hiring at present, but still 5 months down the line, I reached out to him for info. No doubt he gave me more than what I was looking for via text. He then started asking me lots of questions about me as he was trying to get to know me and I asked a few as well. He shared lots of his info too and was also talking about his friends and family. He said he lives alone and it's difficult for him during this lockdown. At times I felt he was boasting about his life, job and materialistic things he owns. He said his bro has a boat and since this guy lives near water, I said you should get a one too. He replied "You just want to know a guy with a boat.. I know how this works". I found this rude too and I told him am not interested in it, but since the overall conversation was great, I let it go. That's when he said I can reach out to him anytime.. us being friends.. talk to you soon.."

    He didn't contact me for a month, so I thought of reaching out today to check how is he doing. This time he was completely opposite of what he was during our last month's chat. He wasn't sharing much info about him or asking me... wrote few statements which mainly revolved around him being busy and exercising and likes traveling. Just asked me basic questions of how am I and how's everything. And then I started talking about travel, lockdown and that's when he talked about not knowing me better... (Both times I have not even asked him to invite me or take me around when I visit there). I told him I am not interested to steal anything of his even if I see him any day. I tried initiating conversation 2-3 times so we could know each other better as friends, but he would just reply every 10,20 or 30 mins and not ask me anything. I usually end the chat on a good note, but I didn't reply anything at the end and he didn't either. I felt very bad, rude and disrespectful of his whole behavior and don't feel like labeling him as a friend anymore. Not sure what's wrong with people these days or I should just stop making friends at all.
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes that’s very rude...I’m not sure If the brashness comes from being American, Or if he is just a regular jerk...do let it go and don’t be so emotionally invested in him as a friend. He could be good as acquaintance not a friend.
     
    sneha1985, KashmirFlower and anika987 like this.
  3. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Our instincts don’t lie.He isn’t giving comfortable vibes.Seems he might not want to keep close contact.Let him
    Go.Not worth.

    Also..Friendships work organically.Do not try hard.Friendships work well with proximity else they are like train friendships.Do not expect much.If you are comfortable with the other person,that is all that is needed.
     
    sneha1985 likes this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    One month is not long a gap between conversations. Exercise, travel and "how busy life is" are pretty much what one talks with a relatively new friend.
    The friendship is new and based on a lost-and-found wallet. For him, you are the angel who found his lost wallet. For you, he is the contact and "someone I know in case anything happens " when you move to his city.

    Sorry to say this, but what you have described makes you come across as clingy and looking for more than what is usual for such a friendship (if it can be called that).

    His way of talking and "if I would have know you better, I would have invited you.." reminds me of the time my American manager took me around the office at my first job, first day. He showed me the office supplies cabinet, which was kept unlocked, and said, "You have free access to this, as long as you don't take supplies for home use." To this day, I don't if it was only half in jest, or fully in jest. I put it down to difference in culture.

    I was reading an advice column recently, in which the columnist said, "It is not the spouse's infidelity that hurts in case of an emotional affair with a colleague. It is the fact that the husband and wife have different views of fidelity in their marriage." Applying this to friendships, when two people have different views of how close or deep their friendship is, one is invariably hurt.

    Dial down the conversations frequency, length and depth of topics. Continue to initiate contact once in 2-3 months, don't expect too much from the friendship, and retain it as something to deepen if you move to his city.

    And, maybe he has a girl-friend (or boy-friend) now who has moved in or visits often, and so he is less responsive in text conversations.
     
  5. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    If I were you, I would stop any more contact with this guy unless he initiates a conversation. It comes off as a bit desperate when he shows little interest. Its good to see if you guys have anything in common before trying to send time to create this friendship.. he may be responding to you just as a courtesy for helping him. Forget it and move on. Try to find more meaningful friendships by joining in any group activity or meetup with similar interests..
     
    sandhya2020 and sneha1985 like this.
  6. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    He was trying to be analytic and witty about your accidental connect, though the starkness in the utterance stumped you. He might have meant: I wish we had known each other in a nurtured familiarity to have you invited to my place instantly to hang out together (note: you didn't go to same college, same neighborhood, or work together, he knows nothing observable about you). He might cherish the good-natured intervention. You have been good-willed towards him in returning his wallet, he has a good impression about it. But, takes more than a favorable impression to form good warmth between two people.

    He contemplated that of his own accord. Dithered in viability, conveyed in unconvincing wit.

    "steal or anything" might come across as uncool wit. Don't assert that too much as it is a worn-out indicator, idiomatic utterance, featured in the playfulness of an un-invite, not a ridiculed sentiment.

    Try to assert this gesture. He was helpful.

    "I know how this works" is again frequently used English marker, esp., at the end of the sentence, to indicate that the speaker's observation is to be sensed as a badinage.

    Feel, you are critical about the literal import of his language, slighted at his ungraciousness inferred from it. If you can, just friendly quip to utterances like 'you won't steal anything mine' with 'what?! you are clueless about my Ocean's 8 heist' and quip 'you just want to know a guy with a boat. I know how this works' with 'I want to know an Ahab in his Pequod. You know how that works.'

    Be passingly friendly. Outtease him in his tease. Call or text to your convenience and care. He might or might not be a lasting friend. Drift away, not with sourness of his inattention, or the reckoning of 'very bad, rude and disrespectful', but with the blitheness of having known someone accidentally.
     
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  7. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    I am not sure if proximity could be a pr
    He had said he considers me a friend and I can reach out to him anytime to say hi or questions. Probably his and my definition of friend and reaching out anytime is different. I don't feel like calling this a friendship anymore.

    He kept asking me questions for an hour during our 1st chat (considering other 30 mins out of 1.5 hours of conversation went for the info he provided). If I won't answer in 2 mins, he would shoot another question or some text. I have just asked him 2-3 questions after 5 weeks and if that could be clingy for him, then next would be the 3rd time I will be contacting him without him taking any interest in this so called friendship. :)

    For our first chat he had more to share and ask than exercise, travel and being busy... yes this time he might not be in a mood to talk, has a gf/bf now, he even shared his pic to ask how his hairstyle looks and asked for my pic (I shared a normal pic, but actually post which he stopped trying to get to know me) - so maybe he doesn't like me (even as a friend anymore), he is busy, he thinks I am clingy... there could be many reasons cause of which he is less responsive.. but for now I don't want to initiate the contact anymore. If he initiates I might talk or depending upon how much interest he takes in in-person friendship once I move, I might proceed further.

    I do have American friends and families that I know. Yes there are cultural differences and sometimes they are more blunt/straight forward in their communication but only if someone is trying to be creepy or constantly bugging them. People here in general are more friendly and no one out of the blue comes and says such statements and which also contradicts what they said last time. Anyways, I guess time will tell if he wants any real friendship or was saying things for the sake of saying.
     
  8. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah I feel the same. He said 'friends' just for saying, but is not interested for any real friendship for whatever reason. I always like making new friends and yes in this case we do have things in common and also from the 1st chat I felt like he is interested to be a friend/to more, but seems like that is not the case. I won't initiate anymore even if I move there.
     
  9. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes I am still grateful for the time he spent and info he provided.

    During the 1st conversation when he talked about "you just want to know a guy with boat..." I had given him a witty response and then in a nice way told him I am not interested in money or materialistic things.

    I have thought of this statement from many angles and if I take it in positive sense, yes he is correct he doesn't know me well. But I tried to initiate a friendly conversation so we could know each other better as friends, but he didn't seem interested for whatever reason. When I make any new friend, we don't know everything about each other, but people take interest and yes it takes time for a friendship to deepen. This happens only if both people are interested in it. From his yesterday's behavior seems like he is not interested to be real friends, unless he later initiates or tries on building in-person friendship.

    Having made new friends till date from different countries, I haven't heard/came across such behavior from anyone where they boast about their money or materialistic things, are welcoming at first and next they would themselves say that they don't know me so cannot invite me.

    After this whole "If I knew you better..." statement, he sent me a pic to ask how his hair and hairstyle looks. I said things/gave compliments as a friend and he then asked for mine saying let's exchange for fun. I sent a decent/normal pic of mine (nothing sexy or super fancy), but yes after this he wasn't interested at all. I asked him 2-3 questions to get to know him, but learnt he is not into it and don't have to do anything with me either.
     
  10. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    Sneha, I might not be the ideal reference for social behaviour as I find myself wonky, coaxing fun, observing goof, amused by everything lacking the pathos and poignancy of the worldly matters. Quite the wrong person to guide anyone. If you feel a certain way about the incident, so be it. I would have been amused by the 'steal' interjection and drawn up a cartoon depicting myself as a cat burglar at that shared insight. That's my personality type.

    You feel 'bad', 'rude', boastful' about, and 'disrespected' by this man. Is there a possibility your displeasure has been sensed by the man and he's withdrawn from you. Just like you find him standoffish in sustained friendship, he might also have observed something to his dislike and not being friendly compatible with it.

    In the long run, it might ease you if you cultivate the ability to make fun of yourself, self-effacing, unaffected by the strangeness and absurdity of life. I wish someone had imparted this gyaan to me in my teens, rather than imagining myself as some Waheeda Rehman in a Guru Dutt's sombre film, or some jwala mukhi in Ramesh Sippy's feisty film, I could have amused myself in Hrishikesh Mukherjee's sab Gol Maal hai. Took some time to figure out this rahasya about life.

    If you can, simplify his uninterest at your friendly approach to your other friends as: call kiya, text kiya, baat kiya, bandh kiya. If you can, avoid the extremity in labeling someone in those unseemly identifiers. Cheerio.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2020
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