Does financial independence alone help us chart our own course?

Question : Does financial independence alone give us the control to shape our destiny?
My Answer : No.
Question : What else do we need to get that control?
My Answer : Please read on for the explanation.

We all know and have experienced the great strides women have made in gaining financial independence in the last many years. We continue to make bigger strides with the passing of each year.We have broken many records, set new records, changed the way things function in the society, in the workplace and at homes.

I consider myself tremendously fortunate to be part of such a revolutionary phase for women and to get to experience it firsthand.

Having said that, it seems that inspite of our meteoric rise in the financial independence area, we are still struggling to improve our “social standing”. When I say social standing I mean, women being considered as a key contributor in the house, a key decision maker and the recognition that the traditional “head” of the household is now a shared title between the man and the woman and not a title enjoyed by just men like in the past.

The reason I think this area is still struggling is because most of us are still not equipped with the “emotional independence (strength)” we need to lead a life on our own (if need be) and to take care of ourselves no matter what.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying we can’t do it, but we choose not to. And to me, this choice is not a result of just of our own weakness but a result of our upbringing which is influenced heavily by society.

I say this even though I was brought up by extremely liberal parents who did not put restrictions on me only because I was a girl.

Yet there are certain “taken for granted” rules that we all apply on our girls that make the girls less independent when they grow up.

Over the last few years I have debated about this umpteen times with myself to figure out what needs to change to bring about the much needed emotional independence in women.

What I have concluded so far is that something very fundamental in the way we bring up and treat our girls (and boys) needs to change. I have summarized below some thoughts I came up with.

Two things came out for me from this exercise –

• - I became more self reliant after noting some of my observations. Though, I am not quite there yet. It is always a work in progress J
• - I formed some strong ideas about how to raise my own daughter and son. This according to me was a very important change.

Here’s my internal debate and my conclusions from it -

· When a girl speaks loudly, we say tone down or speak softly. When a boy does it we ignore saying he is boy what else can you expect.
Unsaid Lesson 1, our first unsaid lesson to both genders - boy being loud and brash is ok but girl being loud is not ok she should be soft and mellow?
Is this what we want to teach them? Nope. Yet this is what we perpetrated from this small incidence. I would like teach both to be soft but assertive.

· When a boy and a girl come home crying because a friend was mean to them in play or at school we sympathize with both at first. If the boy continues to cry we tell him “Don’t cry like a girl. Go give it back to the person who did it”. If the girl continues to cry we are still sympathetic to her. We then tell her that next time this happens she must ask the person to stop doing it or go tell the teacher, we become more protective of her.
Unsaid Lesson 2 – It is boy’s responsibility to make things right for himself.
As for the girl, she should “work towards” making things right for herself by doing some on her own and some by seeking help from others.

· When there is a son and daughter in the house, we usually hear the parents say “You are her brother. You must protect her. How come so-and-so hit her or messed with her when you were around?”
Unsaid Lesson 3- For boys, you are in charge. You need to do what it takes to make things right. For girls, do what you can but know that someone will be there to protect you and to make things right for you.

· As we enter the marriagable age, we start hearing the “good wishes” our of near and dear ones. Not doubt that they really mean it in a very good way. They genuinely want us to be happy. So their wishes are “Hope you get a husband who will recognize your talents and treat you like a queen. Hope you get an understanding husband. Hope your in laws are nice people. We really wish all these things for you so you have a very happy life ahead”. How many times do you hear such wishes for the boys?
Unsaid lesson 4 – For girls, a good life ahead depends on husband, in laws and so many other factors that the girls have no control over.

Unknowingly we impart some of these unwanted lessons to our girls and boys. These unsaid lessons stick in their mind and their choices later on in life reflect these lessons. That is why no matter how independent we become financially, emotionally we still struggle to become self reliant.

To “command” a happy life rather than “hope” for one, we MUST become emotionally independent too. Merely being financially independent is not enough.

We must equip ourselves, our sisters, our daughters, our friends, any women we come across, with this self reliance. For this, I think we need to pay great attention to these unsaid lessons that we impart daily in some form or the other to our kids, our friends and the people we interact with.

I’d love to hear candid views/thoughts from all of you friends over here..

SS

 

Yes Mythraeyi you are absolutely right. A highly qualified woman has to "worry" about being able to find a good match whereas a smiliarly qualified male will have a whole slew of women to choose from.

And I completely agree that we women need to be more understanding and supportive for other women. That's the first problem - that we are usually trying to prove ourselves better than another woman. Isn't that why mil and dil relationship becomes complicated? So first we women must change.

And I think that this change should be brought from childhood so that it becomes second nature rather than something that we have to struggle to develop later.

Then, we also need to work on improving the other half of the equation, the males. If only we change and they don't then slowly we will start loosing the threads that tie us together as a family and as a community.

SS

 

I really enjoyed reading your candid thoughts Nandhita, Lathamurali, Malspie. Thanks so much for making this thread so interesting by sharing your views.

Nandhita, thanks for your positive comments on my writing. I feel very passionately about this topic and I run and re-run it in my mind all the time looking for changes that I can implement. For the longest time I only kept fighting to change the way things are at present. But when I had kids of my own I really starting seeing the need to make ammends for the future too. Also, I realized that some of the things can be inculcated only at childhood, later on they become very difficult to change.

Hey, in your reply you mention “I feel that there is a difference between employed with a good salary and being financially independent”. It seems like you have some interesting thoughts on that. Please feel free to share.

Lathamurali, thanks for sharing your experience so candidly. I almost felt like I was talking to you!

It was heartening to read about your childhood. I know where you are coming from because I come from an all girls family too! Only thing was that my parents were very liberal in our upbringing. I learnt karate for 7 years and classical dance for 5. And I got equal encouragement from them for both. I will admit though that I noticed a special twinkle in their eyes when my first born happened to be a boy! J

I am so proud Latha that you are single handedly trying to inculcate these changes in your son. I know that this must be an uphill task because the rest of the family members still want him to be a typical man!

To some extent, I too have to fight for the same in my house! J And this is when my husband calls himself modern and liberal! To a certain extent he is quite liberal. But he does not pay attention to the unsaid lessons that he imparts. I have to correct him and stop him so many times when he makes gender specific comments on the kids (I have one of each gender).

Sometimes I have to literally put up a strong fight. For ex. my son who is 5 likes to play with kitchen sets just as much as he loves playing with cars and trucks. He has a few close friends who are girls and so he automatically got to exposed to the “girlie” toys too. He enjoys playing with the little pots and pans, pretending to make omelets, serving breakfast, making coffee etc. So a couple years ago I thought of getting him a small kitchen set to play with at home (this was before we had our girl). Oh! this created a huge turmoil in our house! My husband was dead against getting the kitchen set for him, let alone encouraging this kind of play. But I was adamant and went and got it regardless! J

My insistence was based on two things. First, my son is a child and no child’s curiosity should be squashed neither should his exploring nature be killed. This is his age to explore and learn new things without categorizing them into girl and boy stuff. Secondly, if we tell him from our actions that kitchen and cooking stuff is only for girls, then that’s exactly what he is going to learn. Then, when he grows up and becomes a family man he is going to look at the kitchen and household chores as only his wife’s responsibility. This is one big factor that contributes to the classic “chores war” in every household. Because boys are usually not brought up thinking that household chores also are one of the things they need to actively participate in.

When my girl plays with cars and trucks, she is cool. But when my boy wants to play with pots and pans, he becomes pansy? Nope. Not to me. Another unsaid lesson that I keep a tab on!

And yes, I have slowly learnt to appreciate other women and openly compliment them for things they do well without feeling competitive. Who else can understand us better than another woman? Yet when it comes to appreciating and helping another woman we generally do it sparingly. And I think men take advantage of this divide when it suits them. So it is important that at the very least, we don’t put each other down.

Malspie, your spirit to do all of these different things is really commendable!

I agree with you 100% on the thought that we women should not shy away from the traditional male domain stuff like managing finances, making financial decisions, repairs around the house etc. We may not “do” everything but we must be aware and have the confidence that we will be able to manage without a male if we have to.

You said that “Marry to have fun, to share your life and romance, not for finance or help..” This makes a lot of sense. Though, with the addition of kids the sharing of responsibility sometimes becomes a necessity to run the household efficiently and to maintain sanity of the lady of the house! That’s when we women start putting up a fight to get the male half to start contributing and helping around the house.

Keep the thoughts coming without any hesitation, fear, discomfort! I look forward to more such interesting views..

SS

 

I am so glad you stumbled upon this topic Roopa. Very nice to hear your views about balancing home and works skills. You seem to have a broad experience in handling different relationships. It is always interesting to hear your views because many times they come from personal experience! I completely agree with you that it is important to have “hands on” experience to be able to guide the “help” appropriately.

What I also wanted to bring out from this post was that we women have to mentally prepare ourselves to take on life in its various colors and make life good for us no matter what.

I see so many women who are successful at work, at managing home but when it comes to taking care of themselves they do a very poor job. They have little or no voice at home, they have very little decision-making capability and more than anything else, they depend on their husband to make their life happy. Nothing wrong with it if both husband and wife are tuned to the same frequency. But when things go south in their relationship these so called successful women do not have the courage to do what is right for them and make their life happy. In my opinion this dependency is a huge factor in so many women being discontent and depressed. Be it in-laws, husband, injustice at the work place, we women must learn to standup for ourselves and fight our battles.

And in my observation just being financially independent does not give you this courage. You also have to be emotionally independent.

Men do not depend on their wives as much to make things right in their life. If they are faced with an issue, most normal men will leave no stone unturned to address the issue. They do not wait for some angel (wife, in-laws etc) to come and make things happen. I think that is the right attitude. Depend on people but know that happiness, peace and contentment in life are our own responsibility.

If we are suffering we must have the courage to find a way out of it and make our life fulfilling. That’s where I think we women fall short. Part of it is how we are wired, part is our upbringing and part is how we think. First one we cannot do anything about but the last two we must work on.

SS