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Does Big House Get More Happiness.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sm123, Aug 31, 2022.

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  1. Sep 10, 2022 #71
    SriVen

    SriVen Silver IL'ite

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    Don't get hurt by your husband's behavior. This is type of emotional black mail. Don't fall for it. Enjoy your time with your hobbies and social activities. You are a multi talented person. Start to take your decision. Don't depend on him especially emotionally.
     
    SriVen, Sep 10, 2022
    SriVen, Sep 10, 2022
    #71
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  2. Sep 11, 2022 #72
    1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I don’t want to alarm you or discourage you but this is not the end of the matter. This is just your opening salvo in the battle. Hopefully you will be victorious and take your place as your h’s equal in taking joint decisions as you desire. But so far you are still awaiting his reaction sounds to me.
    One good thing is he didn’t threaten consequences or turn nasty but let you open the new account relatively painlessly. Does that mean he recognizes that what you want is fundamentalKu right at some level? Does that mean he too feels this was an overdue step? These are some new avenues for you to delicately explore.

    Maybe he is sulking but definitely you have got his attention. Don’t relax just yet. You said you don’t know anything about his salary or house finances. Try to get that info. In long run you should know what all is there, what’s invested where etc.

    Your job is not done yet. One possibility this can play out is - After few days you will get requests to pay this that bill and in no time all the money in your new account will be drained. You’ll be back to square one. You have to do some smart research right away. How do you guys pay your bills? If it is auto pay check the old invoices or if it is paper then check all the bills paid so far. You find out what is the approx amount outgoing monthly. Cut that amount in half and only agree to pay that much when the requests come in.
    an important point is post bill pay don’t leave the money in your account. Tie it up in something or other - for college fund or short term money market, interest bearing savings or whatever. Make sure no money is sitting around so withdrawals on a whim are not possible. You have to take these extra steps also to make the initial decision meaningful.

    Finally this is the first real action you have taken. Previously it was just words - reproaches, explanations etc. Your h seems to be a man of action so assuredly you have his attention now. Try to utilize all opportunities to make him understand you are not an adversary. That you are doing this for your (joint) long term security. You can even take the point of view that you are saving him from himself - he’s unable to say no to his mom/ sis demands and so you are stepping in to save the day and protect the drain on the family finances and save for kids and your future.

    Re: MIL, housewarming etc the dynamics behind all that will change now. Just wait and watch. Don’t be afraid to tell your h firmly in private that last time MIL taunted you about house size and you didn’t care for it. You don’t want to attend the party. If you don’t like something, or someone’s attitude, you don’t have to subject yourself to ill treatment knowingly. With some people when they won’t give the respect you have to demand it. Make up an excuse to MIL why you can’t attend, there’s some problem etc, maybe a different engagement you can’t get out of it. Worst case if they insist and you can’t escape, go there late like a guest and be passive/formal, marking attendance. Talk minimum polite stuff. Walk away if they are rude and discourage nonsense loose talk. Be very dignified. They will get the message. Their son will inform them the reason for your altered behavior.

    If your courage fails at any point, always think you are doing this for your family and your kids. You are demonstrating how to deal with unreasonable authority figures gracefully. How to say no gracefully but firmly. What if it was your kid in this situation? what would you advise them to do? How would you feel if kid said ‘but mom you always kept quiet so I did too?’ That would surely be a special kind of hell isn’t it? So be firm and create a positive example for your kids.

    best wishes!
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2022
    1Sandhya, Sep 11, 2022
    1Sandhya, Sep 11, 2022
    #72
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  3. Sep 11, 2022 #73
    Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Good for you on taking the first step towards getting more financially independent. Keep working on building your shiny new spine. As you enforce your boundaries, you will notice your husband or in laws trying to be passive aggressive to make you go back to your previous self where they could manipulate you. Incidentally, do read the following on how toxic peoples mentality works. I found it on Reddit and it was amazingly accurate. Replace “crazy lady” with your husband or any other toxic person in your life-
    “
    Don't rock the boat.

    I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a ****.

    At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

    The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

    The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

    Ballast!

    And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

    A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

    When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

    Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

    While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

    So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

    You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.”
     
    Aarushi, Sep 11, 2022
    Aarushi, Sep 11, 2022
    #73
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  4. Sep 13, 2022 #74
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you @SriVen
     
    sm123, Sep 13, 2022
    sm123, Sep 13, 2022
    #74
  5. Sep 13, 2022 #75
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    I am already seeing this.DH is trying to be normal. As MIL is coming soon,I can imagine where this is leading towards.

    Very nicely put @@Aarushi

    I totally agree with you.
     
    sm123, Sep 13, 2022
    sm123, Sep 13, 2022
    #75
  6. Sep 14, 2022 #76
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    what i can sense from him @1Sandhya,he does know that I am right..But thats how he feel only certain times.Its like, I see sometimes being very open with me, but sometimes he is a stranger to me(especially when Inlaws and Money in the equation).


    Yep,while I know some details around it,but not fully. So,I have told him that to sort out few stuff.Next one is this. As one of the other dear IL suggested,I told him that this is not for me or him..Its to make sure our investments we do, to gear towards kids. So,still in the initial process.

    Yep,this is where I have got some ideas from Dear IL,now I need to put them in action. Have scheduled the meeting with financial advisor to discuss further on this.

    Had a kind of argument on this with DH last week. After few discussions,he mentioned that he is not going to do it again without informing(after creating my bank account).So lets see.

    Yeah.I am just keeping quiet and I am sure sooner the later this will be brought up. I really want to remind myself,not to put myself in an "uncomfortable zone",but somehow I am not good in that. Worst case,If I end up going,then yes,I shall keep myself busy with others and marking more like attendance.

    You put this a very better way @1Sandhya. I do not want to my daughter(for that matter any of the girls,they are just another daughter to me)to go through this kind of stuff. At the same time,I keep telling my son to respect the other person that comes into his life,value her opinions etc..Lets see how he will turn out to be. Atleast with all this experience,I better behave with my kids and their families too.

    Thanks again,the last point I will keep reminding myself!!
     
    sm123, Sep 14, 2022
    sm123, Sep 14, 2022
    #76
  7. Oct 10, 2022 #77
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    So,here is the update:

    Sep end,MIL came to US..DH picked her up from the airport,while I was taking care of kids in sending them to school etc. First comment on my daughter's hair being cut(I told her that she donate the hair to cancer society for wigs) and then limited my conversation as much as I can. But I did do my duty of cooking and other chit chat conversations..but I made sure not to get into any of the fighting zones,or rather I kept myself busy with work/kids.

    She spent the weekend here and sunday morning,my DH dropped her at my SIL place..I made the cooking and as usual,also packed lunch incase if they stuck in traffic and all..Again,limited conversation..So,it was ok overall.

    So,SIL family is doing housewarming on this friday/satday. It so happend that we have other activities piled up for kids this weekend(friday school trip and sat day DD going for camping,which she cant miss). Both these are added to our list,much earlier than than this event came up. So, I told my DH that friday morning,we both can go(if my cycle does not or even if it comes,If they are comfortable,I can still come) and come back by evening,so that by the time kids are back from school/etc,we can be back..that way we dont have to disturb them and yet go here.

    DH is like,DD trip is more important than this event?...I said,first of all,I am not inclined on going and then, SIL also called me only for formality..and I am not trying to compare the events here,rather its DD vs SIL..This is the trip tht DD is looking for from a while and I dont want to disappoint her either. Kids may/may not make it all the time..I am coming with you,even though I am not comfortable..Isnt that enough. He didnt say anything.He was quiet..This discussion happened last week and he was fine and was behaving usual since then.

    Yesterday SIL/MIL called me and said,I am not reachable on phone these days..I said,yeah.I am very very busy at work and kids stuff.having my own battles to deal with..But SIL didnt even listen and she kept on talking about her house etc..I was just quiet and finally I told her about our plan.She was like,cant you get the kids..I said,as the kids are having back to back stuff,its getting difficult for us..and eventually in couple of years,things will settle and our schedules will be little better.She was like ok.She is like,Since dad(my FIL) is not around,I treat you and brother(DH) as parents(I am like seriously:buenrollo:)..I said,sure.I need to take care of my kids also,so..I shall do my best..So..dont wait for us,and I sticked to my plan.

    Then MIL took the phone,after casual words exchange,she is like,all of you should come..but high schooler I am not saying to schedule,get your DD and some emotional drama..I said,I would have..but schedule conflicts,I dont want DD to cry too.So..we will see what we can do.and again,same statement from my MIL,that I might die,so this might the last function,so but do as you wish.,I said,its ok,.dont think too much..many functions will come and we all will come sometime later..and again,same dialogue,she is like no one is there for SIL,only her brother,all all should come,so,I am requesting,but do as you wish. I said,please dont push me..as a woman you know too,So..for now,we both will come if my cycle does not come,if my cycle comes only DH..She is like its ok,you also come even if there is cycle..I said,sure..but pls dont push kids. and again same dialogue,as kids will play and I might not be around again,I am like..can we please stop this..You said its my wish,rt.. Its so happened that we have too many things going on..First of all,so much of work at offce and then taking leave there(and taking some nonsense at work) and then handling kids stuf..You said,its my wish and I told you that if its friday,only I and DH comes and we all will come sometime later. So,where is my wish here..Then she is like, if you dont follow what I am saying,where is my elderness suggestions etc..and started blasting me..All through this time,DH is around and just quietly doing chores...I was like,oh man..and gave the phone to DH.

    She started blasting him as he is waste fellow and etc..DH is like,mom I know you are calling me as useless person and please keep the phone down and cut the call.

    I am like,wow..why all this messy converasation..They are doing something happy occassion and why do they need to get into all this emotional stuff and spoil the environment at my home,and what are they going to gain with this fight between I and DH..and why DH cant say once for all that this is what we can do..Well,thats what it is.

    So.after the call,I just behaved as usual and moved with my work..DH is also ok,didnt say anything.

    So,the way these things go,it makes me feel that I am a bad person..but DH not taking a stand,they take a ride on him and it takes the ride of me too..This time,they want to do with kids too. I dont want to disturb kids trip,just because MIL/SIL creating drama here.

    While i dont want to hurt my MIL feelings,but I am forced into this non-sense..Please dont judge me ladies,but at the same time,i am hoping I handled it ok.
     
    sm123, Oct 10, 2022
    sm123, Oct 10, 2022
    #77
  8. Oct 11, 2022 #78
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Talking to MIL, and then when she reaching the "blasting" stage, handing the phone to DH who is quietly doing chores.. that is a master stroke. : ) You did well. And like all human endeavors, there is scope for further improvement.

    Cut down on the amount of conversation with DH, MIL, SIL about these issues. Not down to a zero but more like the shrinkflation we barely recognize in the grocery store. Kleenex box is down from 65 to 60 tissues. Folgers coffee down from 51 ounce to 43.5 ounce bottle, Pantene conditioner down from 12 fl oz to 10.4. Breas slices smaller. All still cost the same. Likewise, slowly reduce the conversation time spent on these topics with them. No use telling husband "I am coming with you, even though I am not comfortable." No point in appealing to MIL's better nature or gender: "as a woman you know ..." Slowly reduce the length of discussions that go nowhere.

    On a general note, don't make yourself the manager of events and protector of feelings, be it those of your MIL, your husband or even your daughter:

    "While i dont want to hurt my MIL feelings",
    After all the strife she has caused in your life, her feelings should be at the bottom of your list.

    I dont want DD to cry too.
    Your DD is around 14 years old? That's a good time for her to start being in charge of her time and what she does with it. Let her know it is fine to skip the housewarming and you will support her, but the final decision should be hers and she tells your husband or MIL/SIL. You do not have to reason about her camping trip with husband or MIL. Let your DD explain to them and say something like, "I will surely come soon to see the new house. Can't wait to see it." Let her deal with MIL's drama too. It will be a valuable experience because she will have to deal with unreasonable educators and project-mates in the coming years.

    It is almost a universal fault we women have. We will go overboard with helping and doing things for others, expecting that they will recognize how much we did against all odds and after how inconsiderate they were to us. Reality is, even our own flesh and blood will never care enough about such sacrifice. So, we should put ourselves first more often.
     
    Rihana, Oct 11, 2022
    Rihana, Oct 11, 2022
    #78
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  9. Oct 13, 2022 #79
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Sure.

    yeah,I am trying and infact I don’t interact with in-laws much these days.

    this is what I am still lacking..I need to develop a thick skin.

    DD is 10 years.I shall defiantly keep your suggestions in mind as she grows little old and will let her deal the situations.

    Very true and something I need to keep remind myself.

    thanks again @Rihana
     
    sm123, Oct 13, 2022
    sm123, Oct 13, 2022
    #79
  10. Oct 13, 2022 #80
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Now that after all this fight and my reaction towards,I am little nervous on how things will be when I go there tomorrow..Though it is a day trip(for that itself there is an argument),for the time I will be around at their place..it’s either they will be bragging or if they start any fight or lecture,I will be all alone handling it and DH is like super stranger.

    I am re-reading all the replies from this thread,but kind or nervous.Trying to tell myself “to be in present”.So,have to see how it goes tomorrow.

    I feel like I am going to a war,with no support and DH is more like “someone who is with me but can’t rely on”.
     
    sm123, Oct 13, 2022
    sm123, Oct 13, 2022
    #80
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