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Does Big House Get More Happiness.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sm123, Aug 31, 2022.

  1. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Do I have an option here @DDream,other than accepting...Either I need to constantly fight with him,which I dont want to do,as kids needs atleast fight free environment..yesh,I dont see a future with him. I did tell him many times that I am not happy and counseller told him that he needs set his priorities right..Few days he is fine and back to normal,when any incident from his sister or mom happens..He calls his mother every day and his sister shares every minute details with him..Infact,I told him to work from india for sometime,so that he can be with his mom..But I am not sure what else I can do..

    I do house chores and take care of kids,maintains my own social life,have hobbies like painting(my house is full of my paintings and infact I can say some of the paintings are on the floor,as we dont have space to hang them),I work as active volunteer,I work as a local language teacher,leaning music,goes to Yoga and of course full time job.Every time kids throws tantrums or something,I talk to them nicely..

    What else this man wants..I dont know..Yes,his double standard hurts me.

    Yes,I am not happy and i do know that I deserve better..but honestly I dont know what else i can do.So,just waiting for the kids to grow up and move more towards spirituality. Yes,I cant do the later,as that will disturb the peace at home and mainly kids..So..accept and stop complaining. Trust me,i dont complain to anyone,infact no one in my family has that time for me too...So,I goto god and asks him to give more patience and strength to handle each day as it comes.Some days are good and some are bad..But deep down,I know I am not happy,but what else I can do other than blaming it on my fate.Thats where most of the times,whenever I am hurt,I come back fast within couple of days..but during those days,I feel like I am lost.

    U know what,after all this drama going on at home,even after telling him that I do not like it,He went ahead and transferred the money without telling me :)... So,thats what he is.

    So,I told him that I am going to remove him from the joint account and he was shocked and didnt say anything..

    later this week,once that part is sorted out,I shall see how I can implement others suggestions as well.

    Thanks again!
     
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  2. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    You should have done this long back.. Your husband understand only action and not words.
    Many wonderful suggestions you got, Take a step and do the actions.
     
    sm123 likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You cant accept it that's why this resentment, pl read what I said. There is no point in talking about it if we cant take next step. You dont have to argue or fight. No need to give explanation, focus on actions. That will give a strong message that you will not tolerate it any more. He never faced any consequences due to these actions. So he is taking you for granted. Change that. Define boundary, if he cross it, he has to face it. But be aware that any new action from your side will create turbulence. Its better to have it temporarily, to have safe trip to destination. Be ready to face it.

    You can do that when he keep spending your joint money. I dont think helping his family is the problem, but doing that by utilising joint account money without even discussing with you, is financial abuse.

    Dont give him false threats as it will reduce its seriousness. As you said it, stick with the word, start a new account for your salary. As the money in joint account is from both of you, he own atleast 50%, so you need to remember that before doing anything on joint account.

    You need to take strong action, venting wont change anything. Pl read all replies, you get some clarity on what to do next. Running away from the problem is a solutiin sometimes but not always. So, focus on actions than words, do first then talk, than giving explanations or warnings.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2022
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Good first step. However, did you research how to remove someone from a joint account, can you even do that, does two-factor authentication go to his phone, and does he need access to the account as bills are paid from it?

    Instead of piece-meal responses to his actions, read all the suggestions here, make a spreadsheet, list the pro's and con's of each suggestion, how much work it means for you, exactly what unpleasantness it will cause, and carefully narrow them down to most impact least effort steps. Mention a step to him only if you are 100% sure you will be able to follow through. For maximum effect, first do it, then inform him. If you say you will do something, but end up not doing it, you further lose respect. Aim for long term change, not temporary shock.
     
  5. candidheart

    candidheart IL Hall of Fame

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    This is sad, you are in frustrated and in self-pity zone. Like others have suggested you need to act and change things for your own well being. You are educated and financially independent, still you are letting your husband use you just for maintaining peace. But i think if your children are not very young they will understand and support you if you voice out your concerns. you can even threaten that you will move out after your kids move out if you are not being respected. I read somewhere, that you can be in a loveless marriage but not in a respect less marriage.

    It's ok if you are fine with being roommates for the sake of maintaining peace and societies pressure, but you must demand the respect you deserve from your husband. He cannot use you and make you feel worthless.

    You have got some wonderful suggestions from fellow ILites.. please implement those which suit you and do something to help yourself. Good luck to you!
     
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  6. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    yep,removing the person from join account can’t happen without the other person consent.

    Years back I added in to my account and I never thought that I would need to remove him one day..

    either way,yes I talked to bank people and I also told my DH that I would want to do this time,so he would need to accompany me.,So I shall goto the bank and get it done.

    hopefully he will realize the frustration I am going through..Even if he does not I don’t want to think too much about it.

    thanks again
     
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  7. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    That is what I was fearing. There is nothing more dead than a dead relationship. And the sad part is that we carry the weight of these dead partnerships for years before we realize that it would be freeing to our soul to shed this weight. Would you carry a dead body on your head for all your life? If not physical then why carry this emotional unnecessary weight?

    You can still choose to regain your power over your own life. Why waste your life thinking it’s fate. You always have a choice. It is up to us on what choices we make.
    Put your salary in your own individual account. Whatever amount he has taken and given to his family over the years, go ahead and take it from the joint finances if possible and put it in your own name and treat it as a best egg. Keep your documents and your childrens documents in a safe place.

    you are a smart, intelligent woman living in the land where pursuit of happiness is one of our basic rights. That “robot” doesn’t deserve you. Shed this room mate like relationship and go live your life as God meant you to. Go for individual therapy and find the courage to walk away. All the best!
     
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  8. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    you can always take the money out of the joint account and put it in your individual account. That way you don’t have to wait for him to come with you to take his name off. And with all the financial abuse he has done, I don’t foresee him meekly doing what you ask him to do. My 2 cents.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What a startlingly neat idea! Move money from the joint account to an individual account, opening a new one if needed. Update salary auto-deposit to go to the individual account.
     
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  10. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Actually this is a good idea..I asked him,I can do this so that it wont disturb the equation or removing him from the joint accout..He is fine with the later.

    So,I booked the appointment with the bank folks for this weekend.Thanks again.
     

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