Does Big House Get More Happiness.

As all all other IL lites pointed out, the problem here is that you have minimum control over the your own hard earned money!

You have to put your foot down to stop it. Otherwise this is going to continue forever.

We are also kind of in the same boat, with a modest house and mid range cars even though we could afford more. But like your H, me and my husband both don't like to splurge money on materialistic things.

But my husband had this same habit like your H, he use to give away money as loan to his friends, extended family all the time!! At one point of time, he had loaned money to atleast 7 ppl (at the same time) for more than 5 years, with no word of when they are going to give the money back. When he asked me to transfer money to his friends, I obliged the first two times. The third time, when he asked for a huge amount, I immediately changed my bank password and told him a straight NO. My money has to be in "my account" with my H as nominee. That is good enough. There is no need for joint account!

If you are capable enough of earning multiple degrees, landing a well paying job, then you are definitely capable enough to handle your own finances. Slowly start taking finances in to your hand, atleast the amount you earn. Open your own stock portfolio, invest whatever is left in some low risk ETFs or deposit some money in a CD account or bonds and lock it for a year. There should not be anything liquid in your account other than what you need for a month's expenditure, so your H will not have any money left to loan to others. This is what stopped my H from giving away money, since we literally did not have anything in our savings/checkin account when ppl asked for money!

And what Rihana said is a very idea, but easier said than done! Some how diplomatically try to convey its your money too if brag about their house. That'll definitely shut them down.

 

Whats meant by typical south Indian?. He treats this way because you allowed him from the beginning of marriage. My policy is if we are smart enough to get a job and can earn money we know how to manage it as well. As its an ongoing problem, may be talking to a therapist or counsellor may help to remove your fears and gain clarity. Also think about other investments, cds etc so that there wont be much money in your savings ready to give others

 

First step is learning to say 'NO' different ways. We have a tendency to say 'yes' even when our mind says ' NO'. If you dont consider yourself as a priority no one else. We need to love, respect and care ourselves, only then others do atleast to some extend. Yeah its a learning process. Also, instead of being emotional we need to train us to think in a practical and smart way. Also talk in neutral cold way instead of getting emotional or argumentative. No point in suffering in silence. Whether he likes or not you need to convey your thoughts, but effectively. How to do that. That you need to figure out. Best wishes

 

Dear @sm123,

I don't know what to advise about your situation but I did want to put in my two cents only because a few sentences stood out to me. I hope this perspective helps you deal better with your situation.

Most people seek identity and many find the same through their material acquisitions - house/car etc, job titles or intellectual abilities or sometimes even through children. As we all know, it is a transient feeling for soon we are looking for the next big or the best thing. That is also a reason for our restless state of mind. Feeling rooted in yourself and in your belief system is what is needed - not like I know I should count my blessings etc. ie., not by just seeing the positive but being positive because of the choices we make either by ourselves or for the sake of our loved ones. Just today, I was talking with a teenager about his phone case - it is a gucci one and looks very girl like. I asked him if gets teased or asked about that and his response was "Yes, aunty I do but it really does not matter to me. My mom wanted me to have this and I am okay with that". This from a 16 year old!

If you feel a bigger house might make you feel happier, by all means you should express that to your husband - whether you go ahead and buy it or not is a different story. But, will you feel better in a bigger house? Only time will tell that. Talking will make you feel better, surely. For a moment, think of a house in a rich neighborhood but yours is the smallest in that neighborhood - would you feel yours is the smallest in that neighborhood when you compare yourself to your neighbors or would you feel you live in a better house/neighborhood when you compare yourself to your other friends? You will realize that it is all in perspective.

Same thing about your husband loaning the money - I do think it is important you express yourself. When you visit your SIL or other houses that you feel are big or are showing off or whatever, reminding yourself that they are seeking identity in that way may help you cope better. Observing people and attitudes is revealing - it reveals a lot about yourself. Most people whether they realize or not are seeking deeper joy. I think you should take credit and feel proud of the fact that you are aware of your feelings - sitting with those feelings will reveal what really matters to you sooner or later.

Training to see will only make you feel like you are compromising, but truly seeing the blessings will impact you more.

Seeing what you have, including the reasons for your life style will help you better. Learning to feel comfortable in your skin is a totally different thing.

Like I mentioned before, expressing your opinion is important - you must have heard of mounam sammati lakshanam!

I hear a lot of people say this. I want to say that somebody else not having should not be the reason for your sense of gratitude - gratitude is for what you have - that's it!

I can understand and empathise with how you feel but digging deep in will help you truly see what you have or help you ask for the change you seek. We are all scared of doing that but learn we must slowly!

We all from time to time feel like misfit in our societies and communities. Finding validation in things deeper even if you are the only doing it in your circle will make you happier.

I hope you did not mind me picking out particular sentences. They somehow spoke to me. You are really trying hard and I can see that. I don't think anyone will judge - all your feelings are normal and natural and it takes time and patience to get to that state of clam and happiness. Questioning, understanding our reactions and ourselves is the first step towards our own happiness. You are on the right path. I hope you find the courage and conviction to do what makes you fell better about yourself - be it talking with your husband or buying that newer bigger house. Best wishes and warm hugs to you!