Does Big House Get More Happiness.

sm123 · Aug 31, 2022

Dear IL Members,

I am a very senior member in IL,but not been active from a while.I have a question here today and want to get people's thoughts. I know that answer for this question is "No"..But its just that I get carried away sometimes(trust me,I am trying so much...so pls dont judge me).

Whenever I goto some people's place(be in the friends or extended family),when i see that they have this big house and when they keep on going on and on explaining or showing off their off their stuff,I feel very uncomfortable and I just feel like walking out but cant. I try my best,not to compare with them..So over the time it goes away,but for the time I am there,to be honest,I feel little down. Again,pls dont judge me here,its not that I am not jealous that they have it..its just that I work hard and we have reasonable savings and we can afford too,but its just that my DH is like that and he never cares..He thinks that we need to keep saving money and he says we need to give it to kids,no need of big house or when he agree with me,situations like market etc wont be favorable.

I trained myself to see the blessings in every situation.That keep me moving forward and I am happy that way..But now my SIL is buying another house,which again is a luxary for them..I dont want to judge their decission. But as they dont have enough money for it,they are looking for loan and DH is ready to give it(with our savings)..I am not sure how this is fair.Just to avoid arguments,I have to be quiet.

But It does hurt me..and sooner the later,I need to go to their house warming ceremony(Again good for them)..but the kind of show off that they do or MIL comments(with their house and my house comparision) or looking at their big house itself or DH supporting them for their big house and not buying one even when I ask,all these thoughts definetly makes me upset and down.To be honest,I am not looking forward for that trip to their place.Let them be happy in their world and I am happy here..But no,DH forces me,so I have to go and inlaws make sure that I get upset.

I dont know if there is any solution for this.But I want to see how people deals with these kinds of situations..If its a friend,I would have avoided going to their place if they are bragging..But since its family,I cant skip,and then going to their place listening to all this drama/bragging..I feel arguing with DH on why you are doing this way for me,giving loan to them and you dont care about me...but its of no use as I discussed this topic many times.

I understand I need to count my blessings..I need to be happy as many people in the world dont have this..but again,I am a human at the end of the day..If not all the time,atleast this is going to bother me when I goto their function..Please suggest me ladies..Again,dont be hard on me or judge me pls.

I live in US and these days,people brag so much here with their house/achievements what not.

Thanks and I apprecaite your time!

anika987 · Sep 1, 2022

When your SIL said buying home for “luxury”..well why do u need to give ur hard earned savings.For sure you can help your SIL if they really need something..that’s what we family are for but for luxury? Did You ask ur DH this?

lavani · Sep 1, 2022

Wrong Question or View. Issue is not buying a big house. Issue is why are you or your spouse, donating money which you worked hard for to your SIL.

you do not have to think on giving to kids. you can have a small house, but spend on travel see the world. follow hobiess like music or class like yoga which is costly .

I agree with @anika987 madam

MalStrom · Sep 1, 2022

I was initially going to agree with your DH about saving money for your kids. But he loses credibility when he wants to give money to his sister knowing that his wife would like to move to a new house too. And it’s not a loan, you have to treat it as a gift. If someone is shameless enough to ask for money to buy a house they can’t afford then they don’t have plans to pay it back either.
Ask him directly why you can’t have the house you want but she can using your family’s money.

NirmalaGoofy · Sep 1, 2022

I go thru the same thoughts as yours. Only glad news is every friend who moves to a big house just invites for house warming and never even bother to connect with me later, because I dont live in a big house. We are a single income household. I have to make the choice of being a caregiver due to many personal reasons and I dont regret it. Actually I enjoy it. I can afford a big house if needed, but my hubby is not interested in living large and is comfortable having some nest egg in the bank rather than having all investment in the house.

Whenever I feel down I turn to philosophical guide books which helps me to deal with this. I only go thru these emotions when I have to interact with other people, So nowadays I have isolated myself and try to devote my time learning new crafts and exercising.

Dont worry too much, we cant change this world, we can be ourselves and find happiness within, atleast we have to try

sm123 · Sep 1, 2022

NirmalaGoofy said: ↑

I go thru the same thoughts as yours. Only glad news is every friend who moves to a big house just invites for house warming and never even bother to connect with me later, because I dont live in a big house. We are a single income household. I have to make the choice of being a caregiver due to many personal reasons and I dont regret it. Actually I enjoy it. I can afford a big house if needed, but my hubby is not interested in living large and is comfortable having some nest egg in the bank rather than having all investment in the house.

Whenever I feel down I turn to philosophical guide books which helps me to deal with this. I only go thru these emotions when I have to interact with other people, So nowadays I have isolated myself and try to devote my time learning new crafts and exercising.

Dont worry too much, we cant change this world, we can be ourselves and find happiness within, atleast we have to try
Click to expand...

Hey, @ NirmalaGoofy Thanks for the reply..

Only difference is I work too and get same amount to the table as my DH. But again,over the years,I started accepting the fact that this is how DH is and directed myself towards Spiritual/other hobbies,which keeps me very very busy.

The thing that bothers me most is,when it happens in the same family..and that too Sil taking the money from DH(she would repay I guess) and then showing off before me.

If I talk to DH anika987 MalStrom,he gets super mad..Infact,this is the same drama we went through when SIL bought their first house and that time,I didnt care much and I was ok..and during their house warming,my MIL started comparing my house and theirs,I felt very bad. I asked DH on how come she can do that,everyones priority is different and he is like just ignore her and now fast forward,after couple of years..same drama..

SIL might pay it back or might not..Talking to DH is another mess.Cant change him..Over the years,I am accpeting the fact that,I am trying to be happy this way and yes @lavani, I keep telling him that atleast lets travel around the world if we dont want to buy a big house..but that also get pushed as he is like we cant disturb kids education...and then when I ask him,why do I need to work in a hectic job and answer to that would be,its very difficult to manage with single income in US..So,back to sqaure one.

I guess at the end of the day,he just does not care about my feelings.Inlaws took/takes the advantage of that..I suffered so much because of that in past and still do.

So.can't change any of them..So..I only need to see how I can deal with these kind of situations(and not to upset myself) or occassions where I am forced to go.But could not succeed much :-(

lavani · Sep 1, 2022

SIL bought first house and now 2nd house. Your dh needs to get his priorities right. this is not even acting like a good parent. atleast buy a house for kids. if he so parentlyyy. sorry could not find right grammer.

Rihana · Sep 1, 2022

sm123 said: ↑

I dont know if there is any solution for this.But I want to see how people deals with these kinds of situations..
Click to expand...

I understand I need to count my blessings..I need to be happy as many people in the world dont have this..but again,I am a human at the end of the day..If not all the time,atleast this is going to bother me when I goto their function..Please suggest me ladies..Again,dont be hard on me or judge me pls.
Click to expand...

- You bring an equal amount to the table.
- You have little or no control over how your savings are spent.
- Loan or gift to SIL happens even though you disapprove.
- Travel or bigger house for you guys are ruled out for this or that reason.
- You have no control over whether to continue in your hectic job.
- You tried to change the obvious unfairness in this setup but have given up and now opt for avoiding arguments.
- But it hurts. What to do about the hurt, how to manage it is your question.

You mentioned directing yourself towards the spiritual. Mindfulness practice helps in noticing the triggers of the unhappy thoughts and taking care of them before the hurt or sadness sets in. There are simple techniques. One is that whenever you feel a thought about the house loan coming in your mind, you immediately acknowledge it, label it as "xyz" thought, and let it go. With practice, the gap between thought and dismissing it lessens. You get better at letting go of the thought before it occupies space in your mind. The mindfulness guides explain this better. I was leery of such things but by God it works. I use a funny label for the unwelcome thought to add some humor to the process.

This giving money to SIL, forcing you to attend the housewarming etc all is not a fair thing your husband is doing. But overall, in a marriage, things tend to even out. Try to think of things in which your husband makes up for this unfairness. If you think hard enough, you will find them.

If MIL compares your house or your living standards to your SIL's, maybe give it right back:
"Yes, it is a grand house. I am glad we are in a position to help her with money."

For effect, use your husband's name:
"I am glad <husband's name> and I are in a position to help <whatever you call your SIL> with money."

Or, bring God into the dialog:
"By God's grace, <husband's name> and I are able to help SIL with the needed money."

Also: It is OK to give up fighting for your rights and making peace with an unfairness like you have done. It is OK to opt for avoiding arguments.

Laks09 · Sep 1, 2022

It’s not the size of the house that’s bothering you. It’s the unfairness that rankles.
It’s completely ok to feel the way you are. You are not unhappy for the SIL’s house. You are rather, upset about the raw hand you are being dealt here. I wouldn’t worry about being happy about giving SIL your hard earned cash.

You can’t do anything about the way your DH prioritizes finances. Can you do something about it, before he gets his hands on your income?
Max out your employer provided 401k.
Add to 529 plans that you cannot redeem unless it’s for the kids. Don’t talk about it. Just do it! Since he’s brought up the kids education and future in discussions, do all your research and start funding the college plans.
Get some insurance policies for yourself.

Another idea is to talk to some financial advisor and make an effort to save in ways you cannot take money out of easily. When one of the spouses is liberal with your combined savings, it’s hard to turn a blind eye towards it. I suggest being smart. Try and make this about the kids future and having a financial plan in place.

Don’t bring this up now. Do your research and then broach the topic. Once you have all your assets earmarked and allocated hopefully things will be better for you.

While trying to be more mindful, also be practical!

HariLakhera · Sep 1, 2022

Reminds me of a Jain Muni dialogue with an American traveler.

The Traveler with a backpack visits the Muni, living in a small room, with just a bed and mat a few cooking utensils and a fire stove.
The Traveler- how come that you live in here with hardly any possessions?
Muni- how come you have only one backpack?
Traveler- I am a traveler- today here, tomorrow there.
Muni-so am I.

Having said that, it depends. The size of the house will depend on the number of family members living there. Even if there is a couple with two kids, in the USA, it needs four bedrooms with baths and washrooms, closets, and so on, plus a kitchen, dining, and living room for guests. All put together about 2000 sq ft.

The choice is- between living as a family man and a traveler.