Do you spank your toddler ?

I too have a 4-year old who (sigh) is still not out of the terrible two's yet and tests my patience.

Sricharani, I hear you, I am also a working mom with two kids and many times talking and reasoning does not work and patience wears thin.

However I have also learnt (after a few spankings after which I felt so bad) that it is really not the right thing to do. Once when I spanked him I just realized how vulnerable children are and how much power we wield. Think about it from the child's perspective - how would you like it if you have a 7 feet huge person hit you or spank you? That is how we look to our little kids right? I felt I was taking advantage of my size and my superior physical power, and I felt like a monster. Also it may act as a short term deterrent but when they grow up how can you, in all fairness tell them to "not hit anyone" when you yourself break the rule?

To manage tantrums, I've found these techniques helpful:
1. If it is not a big deal, don't make it a battle
2. Mostly the tantrum has some underlying cause that is completely different from the issue at hand (tiredness, hunger, no nap, overstimulation) - just let the tantrum/meltdown blow through. I tell me 4-year old "You are mad, wait until you calm down". You can hug/rock/offer a teddy bear/blanket - whatever helps to calm them down.
3. Like Tikka said I do lock myself in another room when I think I will blow up. Take a few deep breaths, count to 10 or 20 - it helps you get some perspective.

 

oh dear this spanking and guilt trips

sricharani,

I used to spank my now 4.5 year old. the excuse i give myself now is he was the first baby so me the first-time mom, learning the new role etc., etc., the worst period was when i got pregnant with my girl and he was into a nasty terrible two's phase. i always tried gentle no's, hugs, giving myself a time-out but invariably his stubbornness drove me down the edge. then one day he was telling the same thing to his toys, to me when i didn't listen to him over something as Krithika mentions. i woke up!! now i have a even more naughtier 18 months old but i haven't spanked her until now. reasons: i have become lot more patient, i know more tricks to convince her, i delegate the responsibility to my son like she loves to pull down the books and when i stop her she gets 'upset' and tears the pages. i tell my son to take care of it and somehow she listens to him. so it's a smooth sail so far.

i don't know if i regret those spanks. half of them i can't even remember now but when i think of that little tiny thing challenging me and then ends up being at my mercy... that thought makes me shudder. i shouldn't have perhaps...

latha

 

Latha,
Nice thoughts ) you have given me lotsss of hope in life, dear!!! DD handling DS, ahhhhhh am already longing for the day)

Sindhu,
You made me retrospect a lot, am thinking louder here, being a mother, i too get mad, out of hunger, tiredness, sleeplessness, etc and i throw it over DH. What if he spanks me?? :hide: God!!! I wud try not to spank DD henceforth. My New year resolution is done ))))

Sricharani, Asha,
Wud let you girls know, on weekly basis, whether i have lived up to my resolutions or not. Maybe we can use this thread to reinforce this non-spanking project(!). Am getting addicted to IL )))))))

 

Seconding you Pon... I too get testy with both the adult and child alike in my home when I am feeling unwell. Of late, I have been losing it big time with the kiddo. I know I can use some help. Hugs.

 

Tikka - That was wonderful ... how K learnt that he will lose something if he doesn't follow amma;s instructions. .... Such a nice way of teaching him that.

Also agree that by hitting we show them that it is ok to hit when something is not heard. Like my cousin's daughter asked me for a biscuit, I could not buy the one she asked for and so settled for another brand. She was furious and asked me to stand outside the main door !! When I asked her why, she said, that is what appa does to her. I was totally shocked. Apaprently her father used to tell her 'Velila thalli kadava sathuven!!"

 

Pon - thats a good idea. i seriously want to put a check on my temper. usually not short-tempered, but i am still learning how DD perceives things at this point.. i am yet to figure out when all she gets irritated. i am sure she would start off some attention-seeking tantrum when i hold my DS, when i feed him, when i am on phone calls, when my DS pulls my hand/dress.. but this list is not complete.

Krithika & pavarun - tried your idea yesterday. last evening was another bad one coz i did not get the taxi back home on time. reaching home late, there was so much of catching up to be done. wailing baby, food getting reheated in m/w, found that the landline was not working - so was moving around the handset here and there.. now DD started off. so i stopped the 3rd activity for DH to handle later. had to start feeding DS engaging DD in some cut/paste activity. but DD wasn't happy with my divided attention and started screaming with no reason.. no talking, just crying. it was distracting DS from feeding. so i locked myself in another room. she started banging the door with louder cries, and i had to come out. the minute DS went off to sleep, she was a darling again eating by herself, playing all by herself not seeking my attention. and.. that point i really felt like spanking her, though i did not.

so pon.. it was successful yesterday inspite of a messy evening. but i was getting completely worked up.

 

Hi guys.. like most of you I also run out of patience with my kids.. esp when they throw up the food which was being sent in spoon by spoon with great distraction & a minimum of an hr.... however I can't raise my voice or hand with DH around else it takes a v ugly turn.. he just cant stand it... not that he can be of any help..

Its only when no one's around I spanked them once or twice to see my fingers printed on their skin and then me running arnd for creams and massage to ensure that those marks fade off b4 my DH notices them. I was in extreme guilt.
I discussed it with their creche incharge & she told me following things:
1) Hold the shoulder very firm.. glare with eyes & raise your volume on someone else or an item & not the child but look into the child's eye. (logic not clear to me.. but she's an expert from 35 yrs of exp)
2) Never appear irritated (which to date I cant help).

(1) worked most of the times.. however when the child was still out of control (Eg public places esp while shopping) I would just pinch on the diaper (non padded area). This was cleaner non violent way of telling the child that I really dint like your act... and more peaceful between me & my DH..... Else my child would go to the extent of lying on the floor in mall & completely out of control to even hold...

Asha.. I also end up like your situation most of the time & finally learn that the issues were mostly abu getting undivided attention however with too much on my platter am not able to do that until atleast 1 sleeps.
I also realised that we can hit them cos they're weak.. we really cant imagine hitting someone big since that person is equally capable of hitting us back ... as you sow shall you reap.

 

Asha, if you keep practising this you will find your threshhold for irritation becoming higher and higher. I still do lose it with K, today our man did not sleep again (he needs the pm nap still). He was very sleepy when we were in the bus, but fought his sleep off. Unfortunately, we were at a shopping centre a good one hour from home and K had a meltdown after some woman pinched his cheeks. (For one, I hate it when people touch this child on his face given how prone he is to infections. The other thing is it is too violative of a child's private space. The woman had some attitude which needed re-adjusting somewhat drastically - so I wont go into it here.)
K felt very validated after that and was behaving like an angel from the next second. Validation seems to work really well for me, now that K's verbal repertoire is becoming larger. When he was screaming, I told him "I know you are feeling bad because that person did not ask your permission to touch you, I would not have liked it if someone had done it to me too. That person would not like it too, but she is just being very argumentative now." He rubbed off his cheeks on my dupattah and was a model of good behaviour after that.
Shilpama, Why is it that children behave the worst in malls and shopping areas? I am sure there is something there to look into. Vomiting is clearly an indication they are overfull, let your children eat to their fill and not finish up the plate. Maybe their behaviour would change then?

 

Girls, Even my threshold seems to have increased after this thread. )

 

Yes krithika, pon.. my threshhold seems to be increasing after this thread.. and i had a heart-heart with DH too on how we should handle DD. since this was new to both of us (handling 2 kids i mean), we thought we should decide on a common principle of discipline and stick to that. DH has been a good boy ever since. when rarely he is on the verge of losing out, i run to his rescue and relieve him of his duty.

shilpama.. public displays of tantrums is one thing that gets me exhausted too. the other day, at the paed's place, DD was creating such a scene that, at the end i didn't remember who her mommy was, the whole lot there disciplining her. i was like "when will my turn come".. and fled the place the minute it was over. DD was bent upon catching everyone's attention there.