Do you resort to silence and acceptance just to maintain peace?

During the first yr of my marriage, I did accept the blame to maintain peace and harmony at home. I don't like arguments or fights with anyone.
My DH always took advantage of this mentality of mine. It was his way or no way. I was fed up with his attitude. One fine day I decided to fight back, and argued till he realized his mistakes. Result: My DH realized that I don't just sit back, accept the blame and cry my eyes out and apologize to him in cases where the fault was not mine. I still put on a good argument whenever he tries to push the blame on me. It has worked in my case !! Apparently Silence is not golden anymore in my case.

 

you must never apologise for anything that is not your mistake, If you keep quiet, let him know that it is only to keep peace but not accepting a mistake that you have not done.

 

Vimala,

I learnt it the hard way !! I was naive and he was super smart...

The thing is he confuses me whenever we have issues ( yeah !!, somehow I was dumb:bonk). He projects it in such a way that the mistake is mine. I quickly apologize because that was my nature then , later on I realize an just shut up to avoid another argument. He took advantage of this.

Thinking back about all the stuff he subjected me to...I don't know if I should just quit, adopt a kid and get back to my happy life...

 

I do not apologize if I am not to blame, but off late I do keep quiet when the argument is reaching a point where it's getting serious. I have learned this is effective especially in my case because I am notorious of blurting just anything in the spur of the moment just to get my point across! I have sometimes rendered my husband speechless by something I have just blurted out in anger.

Now, both of us have learned to just turn away quietly at least for a few minutes lest we end up saying something really nasty and hurtful. Once the moment passes, we're both in a better mental state to be able to talk calmly and disagree calmly. Especially since our efforts through TTC and now with a baby on the way, we are all the more careful of not arguing or unnecessarily yelling!

 

Hi Lavii,
So sad to hear what you have undergone. I really wonder why women face all this. Really I find no reason to believe that God exists.

 

coolpani,

I know how difficult it is. Women live lives like that, totally with a surrender. Even after a silver jubilee of anniversary, they are still slaves. I have seen a lot of women suffering this way. And I can figure out that women are afraid of arguments and violence and that wish to maintain peace makes them keep quite. The atmosphere at such times becomes so tense and fearful that the woman cannot see anything beyond that incident and feels relieved when the tension is averted. She does not even realise that this kind of her behaviour would bring negative impacts on the children.

Things must change. Keeping all good values and virtues is one thing, which we must maintain, but tolerating false blames and behaviours is totally wrong. And the earlier one understands this, the better it is for herself and the children in the family.

 

Lavii

As another expectant mother, the advice everyone keeps giving me is to be happy. I know it is extremely hard to follow that advice under the circumstances you are in. But please, please try to tune out all the negative people from your life at least for now and think only about the little baby that will be there soon.

I listen to this album called "Chants of India" that I find gives me a lot of peace whenever I listen to it. It's available on the internet, try it if you want to. I will pray for all your problems to vanish and for you to have all the peace.

 

I am sorry to hear this part. Does this practice still go on in India among educated people? Sex Selective abortions?? If so, that is very sad. I cannot believe your MIL would even suggest this or bring this up and your husband is taking her side. This is a really abominable and despicable social practice that has devastating consequences for entire generations in a country. I would completely lose respect for the person who even dare suggest this so I can imagine how you feel about your MIL.

 

dear
vimala1957,peartree &Malavika81
thank you so much for your concern and replies dear
ya i know everyone says you have to be happy and so baby will be
but i am in a very tuff situation
i am trying to come out of it but ya once again go back to thinking phase
i really dont even want to see my mil for few days because a thought of her existance is making me mad ..and i am hating my dh for what he said he was aplogising for past 3-4 days but this time i am not melting as i used to do before..i cant stand him any longer
i am missing my dad as i lost him 8mnths back..now my mom will be going to her native for few days..this time its my worst birthday which is going to come soon with out my parents
hmmm i guess we call this life..i am still happy when i find my LO moving inside my tummy..that feeling itself makes me get a smile on my face

 

Lavii.. sad to hear about the slap part.. never wanted to emphasize on it earlier to avoid further damage, but I guess there are some warning signals and dont entertain these physical assults especially at this stage.

There are still many great indian families who feel that DIL/ wife is weakest when preggo and give her the worst then (to teach lessons or to prove their point).. .which she never forgets... remain strong.