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Do you resort to silence and acceptance just to maintain peace?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by divs, Feb 24, 2010.

  1. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    During arguments with your husband, do any of you sometimes prefer to just accept the blame, apologize and move on, just so you can have some peace and calm in your life? Even if you aren't entirely to be blamed?

    Especially in case of issues pertaining to the in-laws, where it is almost next to impossible to make your husband agree with you (well, at least that's the case with me), do you ever consider it wise to just shut up instead of waging a (losing) battle trying to make your husband see some sense? What do you generally do? Look forward to hearing from you all about your approach.

    Divs
     
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  2. libra4164

    libra4164 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Div,
    I would fight the battle at the frontier rather then at home. Be very calm and peaceful at home;but if someone triggers you give them their share straight off.
    Why bother poor hubby if you can tackle it yourself.
     
  3. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]
    yup !!! For the moment to cool the anger/impatience I take the blame entirely...control my anger (if any)...and let him cool down....may be for a 1-2 hrs we don't speak ...and later when he cools down/calms down...I make up with him.... laugh together a bit...and bring the topic in cool manner and let him know the actual point... then may be he says sorry for blaming me unnecessarily...and say we discuss root cause of problem and try to solve it.... if at all its solve-able we solve it.... or else come to common conclusion (may be say either of us compromise ) . This is in general applicable to any problem

    I am no saint..sometimes i loose patience and get angry too ...but IMO one of us has to be calm ...because in anger people say un-necessary things easily
    [/JUSTIFY]
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Divs, for me it depends on the person am dealing with...

    1) If I know that this person will do more damage to me (physically/ mentally) I'll prefer to remain silent and leave the place but never buy their false allegations or answer back to that person. Eg: InLaws.

    2) Also it depends on comprehension levels of that person, if he/she is capable of understanding my point of view... if they cant then I wont waste my energy on it & let them come back to me when they're in peace and capable of listening to me as well. Eg: SIL

    3) With DH, I know that he's civilised enough to let a lady talk (I guess this is all he saw in his life :crazy.. sis + mom) .. my bro is one of those with whom no one can have an upper hand in any argument:bowdown.. he is the only winner.... I applied startegy 1 with him.

    ok so coming back to arguments with DH.. .I answer back to him fully to put my point forth. I apologise only for things I was at fault with & nothing more. If he's under less influence (of MIL/marijuana :crazy) he tends to accept his side fault... we settle down the issue.... however soon after dicussion with his mom (on call) he takes a U turn acts wierd, claims that he still can get normal and tries to prove that his parents were never at fault... and it was my acts that provoked him/ them.

    We seldom reach the wildest argument level... 2-3 times in these 6 yrs .. this happens when we keep answering each other in a very high tone & attitude.... and no one can listen or understand another's view.. only once we cool down and in a position to sort out, we're able to diffuse a lot of drama his mom does as an aftermath to separate us.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2010
  5. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    as long as i know i am talking sense and correct i wont give up.if i agree to something which i dint want to my dh will take me for a ride.

    for past 2-3 days i am not in talking terms with dh because of his mom who wanted to know gender of my baby and was giving a beuatiful suggestion of killing an innocent child if required..my dh still says that was just a word she dint mean to kill a baby..after a big fight and one tight slap on my face i stopped talking to him for past 3 days he is trying to console and convicnce me which wont happen anytime soon
     
  6. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Hey indeed an important topic!

    Yes at many a time it would be hard to make others understand our context they would be staunch in taking their own stand with their own understandings and would be closed mentally to receive anything else than what they believe.

    Its wiser and better to be silent at times because further arguing or talking would only take away our energy and spoil the left over mental peace..

    Many a times its diffifult with inlaws issues.And as far as inlaws are concerned it takes atleast a decade to get proper understanding and a very amiable situation in the family.
     
  7. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Good Discussion...
    Well talking to DH when he is his peak of unreasonable temper is baseless and useless... especially when it comes to topics regarding In-laws it gets a bit touchy and in that state I prefer to back out and keep quiet as invariably the attention will shift to my mom and how bad we all are in that family.... so I prefer to shut up.....
    Discussing anything about his mother is something i don't entertain as my views are not wanted if its not in their favour... these are forbidden territories where only my DH monologue is appreciated. This trend I'm noticing more after in-laws have shifted to Kolkatta and FIL passed away...
    the rest of the topics are discussed/ trashed out... both of us being extremely volatile in our temperament we do tend to have huge outbursts... sometimes I keep quiet sometimes he does also... but most of the times we both stand our ground... cool down and make up (which is the best part of the argument).
    K
     
  8. GirijaRamesh

    GirijaRamesh New IL'ite

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    Silent and peace are important to be, I Always analise the situation and if other person is not in a positon to listen and will just be cool and control my self all for peace
     
  9. Cool1

    Cool1 New IL'ite

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    Initially I used to reply back, argue and end up with no peace in my life..So I learnt my lesson slowly...Almost all the time I take up the blame when we fight. He is very possessive about his family so I hardly interfere on that front.. His ego satisfies and things get back to normal. I love the peace in my house so I really dont mind:)..And I do this coz he loves me dearly..
    Hmm but if I shout back then its when I am prepared for the consequences..its like I decide whether I want to shout back or not..In a way this has helped me control my own temper:)
    In-laws topic with my DH is a NO NO for me.. If anyone says anything to me I hardly react..They have also understood that I am not listening to them..
    But I have observed that though husband realises that his wife is being wronged by his sisters(In my case my MIL is very sweet), he will not say anything.. Though he also gets uncomforatble but tries to mend it in other ways. Only one simple "shut up " from him to his sisters would have mattered but guess this is how most of the men are...
     
  10. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    When it comes to resolving differences between couples, it is much healthier and better to get it out in the open immediately and reconcile the differences than keeping mum about it and blowing up one day. Keeping quiet and being passive does not work in reality and it just adds up like a magma chamber building pressure and the volcano waiting to erupt violently one day. But here is the key. Pick your battles wisely and do not get into an argument about every silly little thing. But if it is a recurring issue that keeps bothering you, you need to get it out in the open and get resolution. Being passive or keeping mum does not help much in those instances except to get you frustrated more.
     

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