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Do You Pay For Your Parents Tickets To Visit You?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by delmed, Mar 28, 2021.

  1. whynotme

    whynotme Bronze IL'ite

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    You need to pay for her tickets.. it's not right to ask ur mom to do it...

    My parents visit us every year for a couple of months... They spend the summer with us and my husband pays for their tickets and takes care of all their expenses...
     
    chanchitra and Thyagarajan like this.
  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s surprising why your husband asked you after many years, that your mother should pay for her tickets. Reason for his change of mind? When he knows that cost of living and cost of healthcare is rising day by day and your mother is retired? If his parents can’t visit it’s all the more why he can’t afford to send money for tickets to your mother, as money is saved and atleast one parent visits.
    I think it’s wrong.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I think this is one of the tactics used by in-laws and husband to stripe off our support system . Like create a new issue and then blow it up and make mom stop visit . If I were you I will invite mom and spend as much as possible for her . We women need support system .
     
    bron, Meghaa, MalStrom and 3 others like this.
  4. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Honestly a babysitter is at times late, may not be too happy to stay back extra, can take sudden leave. They maybe more professional, but definitely they cannot be taken for as granted like family. So to me , pray your mum doesnt treat you like her employers :)


    You mom coming to your home is a win-win. She gets to spend time with her grand kids , with you , and it is a welcome change for her. You get to spend time with her, she will probably pamper you two , the children get to bond with grandma, feel loved and get some roots in our culture and values.
    Now finances - you spend for her travel and expenses, you save up on child care. here the money equation works out , the first two points one cannot put a price, so we shouldnt try to.

    Sometimes we get so lost in the argument that you lose sight of the problem. When you are attacking one another, there has to be a victor and there has to be a loser- what do you want him to be? . Now when you say something like we have to pay her fees for taking care of our children, what are his options - meekly accept your condition, or counter it ? he choose the second with whatever he could logically come up in that angered state of mind. If you dont want to have a loser in your midst, dont fight.

    Words said in the heat of the moment shouldnt be taken at face value. Instead of fighting, tell him you feel uncomfortable asking your mum to pay - one, you think it is not right, two, she does so much to help the family that putting a price on it is cheap, three, how she wishes to spend her retirement money is up to her. And since he feels strongly , you think it is best you do not invite her for now.

    But dont let the resentment build. Even if you get it your way, you dont want your husband to be grumpy/or treat your mum differently. You husband also knows that when his parents are here, how you treat them depends on you feel. You may see things very differently, you may not agree all the time, but you are one team. Either of you is unhappy, the resentment will build up.
     
    peddadas, Vaikuntha, VLR and 2 others like this.
  5. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    There is more brewing underneath. The real reason is something else..
    in my case- my husband didn't want me to work so would have never allowed my mother to come here to takecare of children...also PIL and husband- don't want me to visit..so I do not get a support system or a yearly break/ recharge that every woman needs.
    Once my parents came.. and he insulted them like anything...I was in tears..but I was back from separation- so didn't want to rock the boat (only gave baddua), but I feel it is very insulting to woman to watch our folks get insulted in the hands of PIL or husband- my husband and PIL tried it often and used to quote 80s Hindi movie where the daughter's father- put his pink pagdi in hands of ILs...

    Anyways... since you are working- I do not think he want you to quit- does he?
    He may be jealous of your mother being younger/ healthier? (my husband is jealous of me and my parents)
    He may be jealous of your bond with parents? (mine gets jealous of my talk with my parents/ cleaning lady- equally)
    You have to figure out (in your head- not discussion) what he is upto, why he is upset.
    Recent covid times has made many people crazy.

    I would suggest, you do not fight with him- since looks like- he is ready for full blown fight.
    You just tell him that you have asked your mother to pay for your ticket and ask your mother that he is acting crazy and for your families well being- she will have to pay..get her on your side..mothers will understand- ma bhi kabhi wife thi!
    Don't cancel her plan of coming here.
    Deal with the debit in your mothers account at a much later date- when this storm of your husband's evil intentions- blows over.
     
    vidukarth likes this.
  6. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    We always paid for my parents visits. My father came, then my mother 2 births and my parents together once.
    My mother had come to help with child birth. However, my H did tell me, that his friends mom paid for her trip, i do not care for him.
    Also, my parents brings ton of stuff.
    for couple trips, my parents did transfer money but I never asked.
     
  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    I think this is not a situation of do not rock the boat. If you're financially independent, you should just go ahead and buy her ticket, and when she comes here, if he treats her badly, both your mother and you should give it back to him. I think even calculating ticket expenses against childcare cost is not correct, since the value of a grandparent's company is much more than mere childcare. Even if my parents are here, I usually end up sending my child for at least 1/2 day to daycare/camp because I feel even they need a break!

    My parents could probably afford to pay for their travel, but I will NEVER expect them to. What they have is for their retirement, unexpected medical expenses and other things. The purpose of their coming here is because we want to spend time with them and for our convenience, we pretty much ask them to pause their lives for how much ever time we have them visit here. If the parents themselves are willing to pay, then it is upto the child of the said parent and them to deal with. Your husband should really not stick his nose in this!

    Gosh, some men just make me so angry that I want to come and give him an earful for you, with you, by telling him his sucky attitude is being judged by a bunch of internet strangers and that I am going to tell all his friends what a big jerk he is!
     
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  8. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Gold IL'ite

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    Few of my Indian friends have shared the same problem. When the husband's parents get old or due to medical issues when they stop traveling, all of a sudden inlaws flight cost seems a burden or he realizes inlaws are getting pension could buy their own tickets, my parents are not coming why her parents should have that luxury of spending time with grand kids and own child. I don't understand what would the they get by saving those flight costs. I feel it's inconsiderate to ask parents to bare that cost as it is too much for a retired person. I don't have parents but every time when my mama mami visits here, we share the cost with my cousin(their child). I have seen a few of my white friends too taking care of their parent's expenses if they are flying from another state/place and other similar costs if they reject gift it during special occasions. One of my Indian friend could not turn the things and her mother ended up paying for her ticket as she was not working at that time. We can suggests things but only you know how strong and firm are you in terms of taking decision individually or convince him. All I can say is don't let your mother to pay and later don't let your husband disrespect her.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  9. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    I really don't understand what the point of all this education and staying/living/working in a foreign country. You would think that the exposure would have knocked some progressive sense into their numbskulls, but no! I am so outraged.

    I really feel you should casually mention this to your common friends, that your husband thinks like this. If he shouts at you saying why you're telling your friends all this, ask him if he is embarrased. And if he is, he should probably not be behaving like this. Or else, at least probably his fear of his peers judging him will knock sense into him to not behave like this. We women take too much burden upon ourselves to present a happy face that we put up with too much nonsense! And what is he, some street rowdy to threaten you like that? Grrrrrr....
     
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  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the crux and I think sometimes better to set the standard and tell him point blank that you are paying her ticket cost . What can he do in this situation ? He has little or no power to control this situation .
     

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