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Do You Have A Choice Or Do You Have To Tolerate ?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Apr 23, 2021.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I understand Self worth.

    It is very important to know you are worthy and deserve love and kindness.

    However..no matter the self worth, is it worth being in a negative environment? especially if it is family?

    Sometimes..I BADLY want to walk away for good! but as of now am keeping limits.It keeps me sane.I have decided it is better to be alone than be around negative people.I do not want to fight with them but surely need mental peace.

    similarly, am sure in an office environment..one might need to meet variety folks and many are not good for our mental health no matter how strong we are!

    Not everyone is ready for a fight or strongly fight back.We have to accept that.It is very easy to say one needs to do this and that and face the situation..but trust me it is not that easy for many.People who do it ..kudos to them but not easy for many due to or mental conditioning and many other factors.We all want to speak up and say NO etc. but there are many who get extremely aggressive when we speak up and even use cuss words..it gets very ugly ,blame game,gaslighting happens etc.

    Then we keep limits and quit.but how about many who do not have a choice ?

    @Needtobestrong ..I take inspiration and actually dedicate this thread to you coz I FEEL YOU.I really understand your pain and know how the suffering feels like.Been there but I have a choice coz am away from inlaws. I know how tough it must be for you to be around them every single day and get triggered.The pain that you want to be understood by your loved ones .I really want you to be okay.

    Anyways..People silently suffer even though they know they are worthy of better.


    What is the best way to deal in a negative environment and protect our mental health? Should one tolerate by getting mentally tough or exercise the right to leave..

    what about people who do not have a choice ? when all doors feel closed?
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2021
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  2. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    I have felt this myself many times... Have been in a situation without any choice but for the sake of going on or moving on have kept quite... Keeping silent doesnt mean it is a sign of weakness.....

    Sometimes the situation becomes difficult to explain and feels like how long can we fo about pretending everything is normal or have we started to accept that this is the new normal....
    I feel sometimes, either we are not left with a choice and other times we do not have enough strength for anything in life. Trust me at these times, just to stay alive is a biggest blessing... This is where practicing gratitude has helped me a lot. Reading books about self enquiry is another thing which helps me.

    I am not sure if i am writing about myself here or in general because they both seem to have interlinked.....
     
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    True..sometimes our mental conditioning that we have to respect elders else we are bad people could be a reason..our conscience pricks etc..

    Respect is based on character I feel and not age.
     
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    When girls in a marriage have the trust, support and affection of their husbands, nothing else would/should/could matter. When they lack even a smidgen of that trust, support and affection, everything else is zilch. That is about the size of it.

    Poet Rumi puts the concept out in allegory:
    [​IMG]
    “Come to the orchard in Spring.
    There is light and wine, and sweethearts
    in the pomegranate flowers.

    If you do not come, these do not matter.
    If you do come, these do not matter.”

    ― Rumi

    Of course Rumi is utterly useless when it comes to solving the "what is" when he goes on about "what should be".

    Everyone who had done the gap analysis and has come to even the fuzzy conclusion:"there is something missing, but I cannot exactly put my finger on it" is entitled to a fix. For those who know exactly what is missing, the fix could be easier to define, not necessarily easier to deliver online.

    People who have real-life cohabiting in-laws should be entitled to grade-A misery, and the level of empathy that is entirely their due. People who have in-laws living far away, and could only offer threats on zoom conferences should be relegated to grade C misery. In both (and every other level of separation distance between sufferer and sufferee) cases husband's posture of support ought to be a grand correction factor. The OP has rightly recognized this in dedicating this thread to a high level sufferer.
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    That is a million dollar question.
    If #1is a graduate level #2 is a response from master & #4 is from a member finished Doctoral many decades ago. I feel dumbfounded to add anything more here like a novice or still wet behind the ears!
    Kudos to all of you.

    Thanks and Regards.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  6. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    No choice. Just tolerate and tolerate more each day.
     
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  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    If am not wrong , I understand your answer is stemming out of some frustration with inlaws.totally get it.

    A small voice inside me says we all have a choice but don’t know how to implement it.

    feels helpless..environment should also be helpful and one needs support system or unbeatable mental strength
     
  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    So true..

    people take advantage of our niceness thinking we are weak.

    If we decide to stand up..they cannot do a thing about it!

    However..sometimes our conscience and niceness acts like a blockage.

    At the same time one needs it..else world will be in total chaos!

    need to find a balance somewhere..
     
  9. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    This post is literally reading my current situation except that I am experiencing with my own people. Experienced worst scenarios from inlaws and somehow moved on way away from them and it's a ongoing war put on hold for sometime.

    Now I'm talking about the current situation with my own family.
    I am trying to have a distance but I am blamed for that. Right now going through silence treatment from the other side. I dont know what did I do this time to go through this silent treatment. I am losing my sanity over this and couldnt think or do things beyond this thought, "what did I do to receive this treatment?"

    I am tired of trying, pleasing people who constantly creating one or other issues to lose my sanity.
    Last year, when I stood up for myself, a big fight broke up and my mother took my sibling side and called me names, cursed me, degraded my character for questioning her or my sibling but hailed her for her character, her achievements and so on. I moved back to my house (i was there for lockdown only)and somehow managed things alone. Sorted my fathers help only on emergencies as I have a toddler. Few months later, my mother started talking to me but she never changed her perception on me. She still have low level thoughts on me and high level thoughts on my sibling which reflected in emotional, personal, financial support. I am okay with it as I thought I atleast get to speak with her or see her once in a while. Also her health issues has worsen a bit. So I want to help her as much as I could without going close.
    But the constant indirect finger pointings, scolding me indirectly like scolding someone and creating reasons to stop the help that I receive from my father towards me by saying some so called genuine reasons.
    And important thing to mention is, she behaves normally when she visits me as if she is perfectly fine with me but behave totally opposite when she stays at her home, then I realise my sibling visits her everyday as she is very close by. Then I understand the reason behind this behaviour pattern but couldnt do anything beyond it. She consults with my sibling about all our conversations and I realise my siblings makes every single move to upset me through her. My mother doesnt question her even though she knows it's not fair. My sibling has complete control over my mother on me.

    I know if i reason this with my mom, she will create ruckus like before. I am undergoing this constant behaviour changes every single day. One day I receive nice words the next day I receive silent treatment or indirect accusal or stopping others support. It's like every day I am fighting a invisible war.
    I dont know exactly what I am dealing against, whom i exactly deal with or the reason why I need to deal this. But I somehow passing every day for my toddler.
    Life is terrible when u live in a negative environment. I think constantly fight with my emotions to surpass this negativity the negative feelings that gets created in ur mind when u realise that the one person whom u respect and love most and from whom u expect the same from is the one who makes u lose ur sanity, especially influenced by others it's a terrible situation that cannot be expressed enough here.

    Whenever she talks normally to me, one part of mind will warn me that it's not gonna last long and another part literally longs and pray to have this positive thing for lifetime.
    The one and only environment I have with me is so negative that i find myself all alone in this entire world but still surviving it.
    Sorry for the long post but I totally could relate to this as I realise I am trying to find the balance line somehow like how anika said in her post
     
  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks dear..for dedicating this thread to me..
    Was just checking IL at the end of a tiring day and saw this...
    It is total chaos here in India..hearing sirens of ambulances so often..
    Scary news reports..
    In laws who cancelled their travel plans to go their native due to second wave of Covid..
    Job opportunities and job offer which got cancelled..
    Irritable in laws who love travelling but stuck indoors and want to enjoy life by relaxing , sleeping and eating variety of dishes but will not be bothered if I’m happy or not....irritable hubby who will talk to me nicely only if he wants some favour to be done else will talk to me rudely...every day getting scared and praying we stay safe..
    Praying to God that pls keep my MIL in good mood today so she doesn’t criticise me..
    Ya, helpless and stuck in this situation but mostly helpless due to Covid pandemic...
    I cannot walk away from this relationship for many reasons..
    I just hope my goodness pays off and I’m blessed with good things in future..
    Sometimes I feel too saturated to fight and just ignore.
     
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