Do you expect your husband to discuss the house contract before signing?

Dear,
I fully sympathise with you as more or less I have undergone through these experiences,but truly speaking to you my dear as you must have heard the saying that if u want respect u need to givr first.Keep patience and if you want to n'joy every ocassion and feel that your husband wihes each sweet moment of your's than first you need to take a step first you wish him on every occasion make each and every moment of his happy without complaining and appreciate each of his activity including TV watching.see,dear this is a mail dominating society and however advanced we girls are but still are a victim of male dominating society so if u want to live happily with your husband feed his ego,motivate it for sometime and a time will come when he will be totally your's,but it will take time this is the only sol'n as i am also a housewife and have been through all these experiences and that's why i am suggesting you.If he has not taken you into interest regarding house matter appreciate this effort also and say what u have done is right,see the change he will automatically involve you in every matter.If he says night for day say yes or vice-versa.Don't think that i am talking like typical housewife but dear this is the key for your husband's heart,moreover life and choice both are your's .BEST LUCK.
ANJALI GAUBA

 

Its really heartening to see so many good replies and everyone seems so wise. I am impressed.
if its any consolation to aaruni, I am not in the house contract too. it just so happened that way and i dont mind a bit. i have now been married for 23 and 1/2 years so i know my husband really well. there are always teething problems but will smooth out provided we work towards it with a good attitude.
i'm sure things will work out. good luck
anandchitra

 

Aaruni:

Here's another idea for you, to fix your husband.

Tell him you are really depressed with everything that has been going on and you want to see a therapist as soon as possible. Tell him that if he does not find one fore you, you will find one yourself and you will share everything with the therapist and for anything that happens after that, you are not responsible, but he is!!

Tell him that if he does not want you to talk to a therapist, he better mend his ways, starting acting his age and pick up some slack around the house.

This will show him that you are not just complaining, but are serious. If your relationship means anything to him, he will turn around. If not, as I said earlier, think hard and decide what is important for you in life and make your decision.

God made all of us. Your husband is nobody to decide who is beautiful and who is not......unless he himself is a Tom Cruise
look-alike

Good Luck!!

 

Dear Aaruni,

I completely understand your problem, having gone through myself whatever you are saying. Even now my husband is no different. So my suggestion would be: -

(1) Keep your mother / father / sister / brother / atleast one friend informed about what is happening in your family life. It is always good that somebody knows that these kind of problems are there in your life. But don't bring them into the scene.
(2) You say you resigned your job to take care of the baby. How old is your child? If the child can be put in a Daycare - do it. Financial independence gives a lot of confidence. Concentrate on your career instead of worrying about your husband not talking to you.
(3) When you get a job don't give your salary to him completely. Save money in your name - atleast some of it. It will definitely help you in the long run. You can take up your own house (without your husband's knowledge ).
(4) Use the husband however you want - don't get emotional with him. To learn this and adapt this to your life will take time. But over a period of time, you will master the technique.
(5) Don't get into arguments with him. If you are hurt about something, tell him but don't expect him to accept whatever you say. This is the mistake that I do most of the times and this one leads to unhappiness all the time (Guaranteed).
(6) You start your own social life - make new friends, mingle with people, don't depend on him for anything.
(7) Your happiness is in your hands. Nobody can make you happy. If you want to be happy, you can be. But you have to work towards making your life happy.

There are so many people out there, who are less priviledged than us. We should really be happy for whatever we have. We are all so fortunate to be living so comfortably. So many women are being abused physically, sexually - we should be thankful to God because we are not one of those victims.

Remember everybody's special. Physical beauty is not a part of it at all. He doesn't like your physical beauty - don't bother about it. He will open his eyes and see your inner beauty one day. But for that you need to have patience, courage and use some tactics also. Be smart to bring him into that line - don't get emotional. Use your brain, not heart.

Take care of yourself and your son.

Best regards,
Amitha:2thumbsup:

Only for your information - your husband atleast made the house agreement on his name. My husband was ready to register the house that we bought on his brother's name (without my knowledge ).

 

I totally agree with Amitha. You can't get better advise than this....even if you pay someone for it

Please do keep someone informed about your situation. I made the mistake of not telling anyone a thing, until the day I made the decision to walk out of the relationship. It came as a shock to my parents. As Amitha said, there is no need to involve them in it, but keep one of them posted.

My attorney told me how lucky I was to make this decision and be able to start a new life on my own without missing a heart beat......just because I had a job, a decent salary and some support from a friend. A lot of women go everyday to the battered women's shelter and then return home to the abuser because they dont have the education nor the finances to support themselves. So, do focus on finding a job.

Financial independence is the key to your freedom and this freedom is worth EVERY pain and trouble you go through!!

 

Hi,

Actually to tell you the truth i am sailing in the same boat as you. But in my case i do all the decision, as my hubby has left everything on me.

And yes it is very much necessary that both party (husband n wife) should have equal share in property.

Now for my advise:
As your husband have signed the house contract without even informing you. What you could do is tell him that you are angry with his decision and would like to go back to India for good as you feel no importance in his life.

And you should go with your child. once you are there do not keep any contact with your hubby, let him know that you do not accept his behaviour.

If he cares for you, he will either stop you from going or may call you back after you are gone. This will help you know that he has love for you and cares equally for you.

If he shows no interest then there is no use of this marriage. You are just wasting time on an ediot.

All the best :2thumbsup:

Diana


P.S. I have recently tried this on my hubby and he was very upset and asked me not to go back. I am happy :-D . Atleast now i know he does care for me. Hope it works for you too.

 

Hi aaruni, i have read all the posts and couldnt help contributing my 2 cents. I really empathise with your situation.

In this sitution what you need to concentrate on most is your JOB. Pls help regain it. Get back your confidence and financial independence. Challenge your husband. Sometimes men need some good whacking. I know the women in majority have the tendency to adjust and tolerate way beyod the limit. But you should know when to draw the line.

What if you are not signed in for the contract?? If only you had your JOB you could have got A NEW HOME FOR YOURSELF. If you think you still need to be included in the house contract and as it is your right why dont you see an attorney on this and get some legal advice???

You tell your husband that you wish your name to be included and if not then you may have to take some leagl action. Pls dont be afraid to confront your husband when things are not going right. Not for everything but for things like these you should be definetely be taking a strong hold.

I wish you all the best in getting back your life on track and for you to lead a very happy life with or without your husband. And please see to it that your son is not affected in anyway and he is not brought up like his father who in turn will turn out to be another headache for another girl.

In sum just be your strong, assertive and confident nature...everything will fall in place...dont let your husbands action hamper your self esteem. and pls pls try to get back into a JOB. These days financial independence is very very important for a woman and you are no less equal to your pigheaded husband.

All the best.

cheers,Anjani

 

Hi Aaruni,

I read all the posts and understands your position completely... But you are not alone in this world, experiencing this kind of a situation...

I have a close relative who had to stay away from her husband for not caring her at all... In your case, you and your husband are living alone with ur child... But my cousin was living with her in-laws also... Her husband will not go against his mother's wishes... He will not stay away from them... Also he is also not interested in anything as your husband.... For the sake of her child, she tried to adjust...but all in vain...she is living with her parents now and the important thing is she has a JOB to support her... So she is supporting her and her child... So as many others told you, try to regain your JOB... that is very important for you...

Also, as Amitha said, keep someone at home informed about what is happening in your life.. so that they won't be shocked and blame you even if you have to take an extreme step... But that should be your last option...

And about the house contract, you have the full rights to be on the house contract. Your husband should have made the contract in both your names. Try talking with him about that again.... Tell him that you are not happy with what he has done... It is not just you felt bad about what happened...

Your husband is finding fault with your looks. How was his attitude towards you from the day of marriage? Did you had any vacations recently? If you can convince your husband about the need of a trip somewhere, it may be good.

Try to keep your child out of your arguments with your husband... He should not get an idea that his parents are always fighting, if he is of an age to understand... Since everything starts from experiences at home, your child may imitate his father and can pose problems in your life later also. How is your husband's attitude towards your son? Do he present him with any gifts or toys? You told your husband is attending his friend's parties and b'days. So it is not that he is not interested in these things...

Keep in mind that many of the Indian men are like your husband... You can not argue with them and win... Even I do not get any help from my husband in household chores... If I ask for any help he will tell he is working all the day for me and my child only... But whatever help I do in his work doesn't count at all, at times...We both are working from home... I am doing all the house work as well as the business work...

We all can give you advice only... It is 'you' who have to act... If you have any close families in the place you live in US, try making someone talk to your husband... I think you are a strong woman...You are able to adjust to the situation to an extent...So tell him that you cannot continue like this forever...

All the Best... and act immediately...

 

Dear Aaruni,

Looks like a very unhappy relationship from what you have written.
The only way to deal with it is to make a lot of friends, find a job, mayb partime and take care of your son. if your husband doenst care for you, why bother pampering him?
just do the basics..dont go to great lengths to please him. looks like hes a selfish person. you take decisions on what is best of yourself and your son. You decide which school to send your son to, buy jewellery, clothes for yourself and your son, etc...stuff like that....
Organize for a birthday party for your son if you want to. Decorate your home for any festivals, you do things that you will feel happy about. Dont wait for your husband to do everything if hes not interested. As you say, life is short. live it - for your son's sake. You enjoy life..y shud u let ur husbands pessimistic attitude spoil your enthusiasm for life???

Well, including your name in the contract is not really necessary. as his wife, the propery rightfully belongs to you even if its not written down anywhere. the indian law says that any property that is in your husbands name belongs to the wife - they are equal shareholders. UNLESS he has written a will or made any agreement including his parents or siblings names. If he has only his name, dont worry, you will an equal share holder.

Take care

 

Hi Aaruni,

Wow I am really happy to see the huge response rate.

Many people have given many ideas so I am not goign to repeat them again. I agree mostly with Amitha.

I am in my 9th yr of marraige now and I know the stage you are going thru as I was there myself about 2 yrs ago.

I did manage to come out of it though. thanks to my best friend and my dear sister who helped me thru out the way.

The main thing I learned about life is, most of our partners are not goign to change and I think they stopped growing mentally at the age of 13. They just don;t know how to be happy and deal with life or respect a fellow human being.

the one and only tonic you can give them is your own happiness. Get your job back and never give a cent to your husband. Open your own personal account, and save all the money. Get your friends back on track, go to shopping, movies and do what makes you feel the best in the world.
Forget that there is another human being (your hubby) that is living with you in the house. Your husband is not blind, he can totally see the change and you being happy is the only one thats going to throw him off balance and think that he may have to do something to share that happiness with you.

don;t worry about the house contract. It is done deal right? fighting on it and pondering on it is not going to bring you any more happiness.
But do save your salary and do not give your account access or passwords to the hubby, if he asks you can give the same reply as he gave you saying that you do not think that it is necessary and that should teach him something

Just try to be happy on your own. try to spend weekends shopping or with friends or movies. If you have nothing to do, just hang out in the mall. Do all your house wife duties like cooking and cleaning that you have to do so that your hubby can slag in the house and then go out by 11AM to have a blast yourself. Take your son also with you. so that he does not suffer in the house.

Good luck and be brave. once you find happiness on your own, you'll be surprised how life will change. And children know what their parents are goign through. your son will never be like his father. He will be a mom's baby.

-Swathi