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Do We End Up Being The Very Person We Detest

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by SuiDhaaga, May 16, 2021.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    I recently read Neopolitan Novels, and the series is now on HBO, My Brilliant Friend

    Several characters had horrible parents and they tried not to be like them.

    But despite their education and hard work they ended up being like them.


    1. One girl ended up getting out of the gutter and being a lady of a great city, only to cheat on her husband and live in with her boyfriend. She didn't care about separating her daughters from her father.

    2. The boyfriend had a father who was a womanizer and chased skirts. Even though he got out of the gutter and became member of Parliament, he was the spitting image of his father.



    I heard this happens in real life to. For example you hate a boss, and you end up having the personallty of that same boss.

    Or you had an abusive marriage, and you start acting abusive towards others in future relationships.

    Thoughts?
     
    sandhya2020, Rihana and KashmirFlower like this.
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    SD, interesting question and what you have stated is more common than we think.

    Discussing this becomes less stressful if we move the focus away from the person we detest. Better to talk about the acts we detest, talk about the wrongness of the acts, maybe reflect on why the person made those choices. Instead of saying "people become the very person they detest", let's say "people repeat the very acts that they detested in their parent/ boss / spouse/ friend".

    Rephrasing the questions slightly:

    People suffer through horrible childhoods, vow not to ever become like their parent(s). But despite their education, awareness and hard work they end up making the same choices as their parent(s) did.

    A person manages to overcome growing up in a highly dysfunctional household with a chronic cheater parent. The person achieves success in personal and professional lives but ends up repeating the parent's mistakes.

    A person comes out of an abusive marriage, knows how bad that feels, but goes on to be abusive to others. Why?

    After all that rephrasing, here's what little I can venture w.r.t an answer. I'll pick the easiest one -- why do we (or people) repeat the things we detested our parents doing. One reason is that we unconsciously model our parenting on what we experienced growing up. I was not allowed to wear jeans etc. I vowed my daughter would have full freedom in dressing. All was fine till 8th grade graduation dance came along and I saw for the first time how short the dress was going to be. Dark school forum filled with 13-15 year olds. No 8th grade parents allowed as chaperones. My imagination went wild. : )I was like "no way!!! " until better reason prevailed. : )

    I know that is a trivial example but still ...

    Another thing I have observed is that we can also become caught up in over-correction. I took the "treat boy and girl equally" too far, for example..
     
    ranju5, SunPa and SuiDhaaga like this.
  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    It is when I turned into a dad, I realised how my dad was always right . Until then, I was cursing many of his ideas.
     
  4. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    So these acts are unconscious? Are we destined to repeat themselves?

    How do we break out of this viscous cycle? Or is our brain circuitry traumatized and set?
     
    sandhya2020 likes this.
  5. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Silver IL'ite

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    The more conscious we are in the strong ground of "not to repeat the family/behavior' cycle. The more we'll be repeating both knowingly or unknowingly. I am a strong believer of "What you seek is seeking you"
    Jen Sincero in his 'You are a badass' book chapter 1 talks about My subconscious made me do this,
    1. "
    All this is to say that it’s not your fault that you’re fucked up. It’s your fault if you stay fucked up, but the foundation of your fuckedupedness is something that’s been passed down through generations of your family, like a coat of arms or a killer cornbread recipe, or in my case, equating confrontation with heart failure"
    2. "
    Our subconscious mind contains the blueprint for our lives. It’s running the show based on the unfiltered information it gathered when we were kids, otherwise known as our “beliefs"

    Changing patterns will be highly challenging esp when you stay in the same env in which you want to fix things.
    Nothing will happen over night. Breaking a viscious cycle, starts with acceptance "This is what it is, but I will respond in my way"
    Either way we should find way to live it up during the process.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2021
  6. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    Interesting.

    I know someone who started thinking positive thoughts. Her face brightened up, even without makeup.

    Few months later certain things happened in life, almost as if to challenge her positive outlook. Nearly 10 years later she is trying to get her courage back.

    She struggles to think and feel positive.

    I think you are right when you say, "What you seek is seeking you"

    How to get away from the blueprint?

    My friend was in household where mother was toxic and argumentative. When she married her abusive EX she never stood up for herself because she didn't want to be like her toxic mother. Abusive EX stepped on her further.

    Friend is forced to stay with her toxic mother during lockdown. She is trying to do this (it is very hard, she gets upset a lot). Friend hopes she can come out of this.
     
  7. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Silver IL'ite

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    One can develop positive thoughts but staying positive always is not possible. Life is non-linear and so us. Acceptance will help us get through hard times.
    There is no one size fits all solution to keep distance with those blueprint. Your friend should take her stance be it the mother or the x y z, if not she who will! She should be aware but not to be fear of what happened in the past. There is a huge difference between thinking "I dont want to be like my mother" and "I'm not like my mother". The former is a fear, the later is the awareness.

    Remember the roots are always stronger,it's upto one's self to stand strong to break the dysfunctional patterns. Have your way,have your say!
     
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  8. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    As soon as you are positive and feel you are attracting good things from the Universe, fate throws in a wrench!

    I tell my friend to thank God for Today and ask God for Tomorow.


    Fantastic. Just fantastic!
     

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