1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Do such DILs have the right to complain?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by meena2, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. divs

    divs New IL'ite

    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena,

    Each one's family situation is different. Being frank and straight-forward might work for you, it need not necessarily work for someone else. If a lady acts polite in front of her ILs and 'complains' behind their back, I am sure she has her own reasons to behave so. Perhaps she keeps mum in front of her ILs/ husband because reasoning out with them will only make things worse. Or she does it for the sake of her kids or for her own peace of mind..really, the reasons can be anything! We can't make any generalizations here. Everyone needs an outlet to vent their frustrations, and occasionally venting out to a trusted friend does not make one a 'whiner'. JMO.

    Divs
     
  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    10,317
    Likes Received:
    25,381
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    See Meena, this was exactly what I was trying to get at with my theoretical question. You feel you are doing no wrong by posting details here. Some, including your friends, might feel that even without names being mentioned, it is not like a good friend to share your friend's in-laws issues here. I am not saying you should not share such details of their lives here or that you are not a good friend. What I am trying to point out is that in your opinion, sharing such details here is OK since you are not using names. Your friend might not think so. Similarly, cribbing about in-laws behind them while being goody-goody in front might seem OK to your friend, but not to you.

    I thought some more about this. I think it is OK to complain behind in-laws if it helps the woman in any way. I have friends whose in-laws sit in living room and watch Indian channels the whole day. My friend has a choice to speak up and say that she wants to watch her channels for a while too. That comes with it pros and cons. She can sit and watch her programs, but in the sidelines there will also be two long sulky faces, and it will also be conveyed to DH in mid-day phone call. She prefers to crib to me, I listen, empathize, invite her to come to my house and watch TV or suggest online sites where she can watch her programs.

    Basically, some battles are not worth picking, and in such cases, it helps the women to vent. Most probably, they are not looking for a solution, and just a sympathetic ear.

    We complain about traffic, but don't carpool. Does not carpooling take away our right to complain about traffic? We complain about dirty roads in India, but we don't take a broom and try to clean up. We complain about bosses or managers behind their backs, but do not always speak up about those issues in front of them. Does that take away our right to complain about the boss or is it that we are being sensible and weighing the benefit of telling boss what is wrong with his/her actions or attitude?

    -Rihana
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2010
  3. desidiva

    desidiva New IL'ite

    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena,

    Rihana said exactly what I was thinking.

    On a slightly different note about what you said about your experiences, I think you may also notice that just because you have spoken your mind you have gotten into some friction that could have been avoided. You yourself mentioned that your ILs and relatives think of you as short tempered and arrogant. See, you don't think you are arrogant but that's exactly some of your actions are coming across to other people. I used to be a straight talker and spoke my mind most of the time. To tell you the truth, it bugged me to not let the other person know how I felt. I would get mad when people would act nice but have their true feelings hidden inside and not show it to other people. But with time, I realized that always being upfront in all situations is not the right thing. You have to dance according to the tune. Otherwise, you are out of sync with everyone else.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2010
  4. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena i gave you an example of a friend of mine who tried to be frank and everybody were against her including her dh. I also had a fight with my dh because of this frankness. When my inlaws came to U.S. to visit us, once my mil told me that my hair is so thin and also that my eyes are not proper. I told her frankly that ok my hair is thin but about my eyes nobody has told me that in my entire life. Maybe you are only seeing it. Also i told her that actually everbody tells me that my dh is lucky to get such a beautiful , fair and good looking wife like me. But i actually didnt go on looks and selected your son thats my dh. That night beacuse of this topic me and dh had a fight. So what did i achieve being frank.

    Now i feel that when my mil told me about my looks , i should have acted diplomatically and told her oh mil i am not that good looking as you so what can i do. God only has made me that way. I should have told her that in a joking manner.

    So my point is frankness is good as long as there is peace in the house. It is very difficult to be frank with inlaws who dont appreaciate the frankness but only frown and complain.
     
  5. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Just wanted to make it very clear to some posters who seem to think that I am talking behind my friend's back and that since she is also a woman like me so I need to cut some slack for her etc etc etc..................

    I am not here to crib about this particular DIL (my friend).....PERIOD!!
    She is just an example that I am citing here. There may be numerous others like her. What I say here is I just dislike such attitude where you want to be all goody goody in front of inlaws and earn some brownie points but the truth is you simply wanted to say a big NO! to their unreasonable demands and you don't do it since you feel you will be called a bad DIL.........

    How is this right way of approaching a problem? Has it ever happened in the history of mankind where you can disagree but still be called polite and good especially by inlaws....:)............then why not speak up for some minimum rights atleast???????

    Seeing some of my friends I feel........... you want to keep the cake and eat it too????????..............how is that possible????????

    Hope I made sense. For DILs in this forum who are like my friend, this may sound rubbish and I pity them!!!

    There is more to life than getting into the good books of inlaws. You need not strive your whole life living pathetically for it!........strictly my opinion!!
     
  6. vennelaaaa

    vennelaaaa Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    35
    Gender:
    Female
    I may be the only one to give a totally different reply here...
    and I know its not even about the question Meena asked...
    but in my opinion, any man has every right to make his parents happy...after all they must have done so much for him...and you are pointing out that the amount was indeed not huge!
    ofcourse, may be not taking his wife n kids, etc., need out a little working around like planning a trip with everybody , etc

    so i think its better that your friend does all the cribbing on their back than stand up and hurt her DH's or in-laws feelings

    What's is wrong with any person making an attempt to pay back his parents? after all the years of slogging for children, they deserve some good times too!, what say?
     
  7. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Infact, you achieved nothing because IMO you chose the wrong person ie., your DH, to be frank with, while you were supposed to tell straightforwardly to your MIL and not raise this topic with your DH anytime later.
    Poor guy! What can he do when it is his mom who was unreasonable in commenting on your looks. You should have told your MIL very frankly not to comment on your looks and you do not like that.

    One time, regd something else, I told my MIL these exact words....."Don't talk to me like that I don't like it" and you know she immediately branded me arrogant but at least she never behaved that way later. She complained to my dh and when dh brought this up I said...."Did I bring it up with you? Then you also please do not get in between us. We are 2 adults and we do not need anyone's help on this. We can sort it out amongst ourselves".
    That's was all that was needed to keep dh away. For more than a year MIL did not talk to me but later she came around. But, after that she was careful what she spoke.

    As a friend and fellow ILite I can say only this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2010
  8. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Vennelaaa.........is this any kind of asset or investment that we are thinking of paying back?

    Inlaws have NO RIGHT to hurt DIL just because they gave birth, raised her husband. And if they do, then IMO DIL should give them back with words and stand up for the sake of HERSELF and HER SANITY.
    She should not take all crap just because they are her husband's parents.....JMO!!!
    And only then will lot of problems be solved in relationships! Else, it is one person.....THE DIL.....rotting inside always!!
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2010
  9. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I simply DO NOT WANT to be this kind of friend to her. Simply hearing her stories patiently thinking I am doing a great favor by letting her steam out,vent out......and that's all!!

    I WANT TO really help her deal with her problems by facing them and not escaping from them.
    And that is why, I try to advise her to face it and not just vent it out with me.

    Just letting the steam out does not solve the problem and so if I cannot help her face her situation then I don't see that as being true friend/friendship.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2010
  10. Dilchahtahai

    Dilchahtahai Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Meena,
    I agree with Rihana, Shurti and SriVidya. My first thought reading your post was: 'what kind of friend is this who is talking behind his friend's back and telling on internet the things her friend might have told her in good faith? Isn't she doing the same thing that she is criticizing her friend for? talking behind back?'

    Every body and every situation is different. If speaking up and being frank was a solution to everything, trust me.. we would not have so many wars in our history and half the world's population would not have been sad.

    Everybody does not take everything on face value (something I learnt when I was 15 year old and went to boarding school). If everything in your life is sorted out by 'just' being frank and wearing your opinions on your sleeves.. good for you. Honestly, half the ILs would not agree to it. Personally , I don't think your friend is doing anything wrong. If by being quite, she can maintain peace at home and happiness in her relationship with her husband, what';s wrong with that? And she is just doing it while they are here. So she also knows in hearts of her hearts that her husband is not doing anything wrong by spending on them. She is just cribbing about it because it irritates her. If it was bothering her to the point she could not take it, I am sure it would have been obvious...and Inlwas and husband would have understood it. Minor irritants and major issues are different. Minor irritants are not worth creating trouble in house, if one wants to whine about it a little, I guess it is ok.
     

Share This Page