Do People Return Favors ?

abc00 · Sep 8, 2021

I would like to know how you deal with people (friends/relatives etc) who take favors but never return but also expect more ? I have handled this issue very well so far but would like to get better. This long distance friend used to be my college mate and we keep in touch many years later. Once she backed out when I needed her the most emotionally. She said she cannot understand what I'm trying to say whereas I felt it was not rocket science. I told her it is easy to lend an ear to the person in need , which she found it hard to do. Based on our friendship, we used to devote time to each other no matter what. That incident made me question the closeness. I find myself moving away from her ( I know she has sensed it too but doesn't express). She has this uber-cool show off attitude that she's a cool lady in the most tense situations, whereas I believe in confiding true feelings with few close ones. Our phone calls frequency has reduced now. Recently, she was in a tense situation - what to say - exactly as I was earlier - I tried to help in the best way I could over the phone and she immediately became clingy indicating she would need me for advising her. I totally do not get this. People forget they cannot give to others but so easily switch to being on receiving end as if its their right , forget about returning favors.

anika987 · Sep 10, 2021

Lot of people are like this.Been there.Lot of heartbreaks but good lessons learnt and life makes us stronger.

Some things that help me..

1) I still help people if am able to but have zero expectations.So even if they backstab,am like “ok! This was expected” and no disappointments.I am just emotionally better prepared and take responsibility of my actions.

2) For me,I have friends who call me only if they are emotional.I take it as a compliment that they remember me and consoling them makes me feel like am doing a good service in my own way.They feel good venting their emotions and am glad am able to relax them.

3) I call people when I want to talk.The “time”they spend to talk to me itself makes me feel gratitude.This is huge at this day and age in my life.No other expectations.My time is well spent too.

Make small mind shifts.Life looks better

abc00 · Sep 10, 2021

@anika987 thanks for locating this thread and responding. Reg 2nd point, I'm ok if this is once in a while but some specific friends do it always and I began to feel drained out because 3rd point never comes into picture with them. Don't you think there should be a balance b/w 2 & 3? How to achieve this ?

anika987 · Sep 10, 2021

abc00 said: ↑

@anika987 thanks for locating this thread and responding. Reg 2nd point, I'm ok if this is once in a while but some specific friends do it always and I began to feel drained out because 3rd point never comes into picture with them. Don't you think there should be a balance b/w 2 & 3? How to achieve this ?
Click to expand...

Point 2 does not bother me at all.I try to help them out but I do not personally get involved in their problem.I listen to them and my goal is only to calm them down and make them feel better.They need to make their decisions.I do not get attached to their problems and glad to help them sort out.So I do not feel drained.I take it as a compliment that people remember me in their tough times.

Point 3 I call and talk to them generally but I do not confide my problems all the time nor do I expect them to listen.I generally talk to them just to rejuvenate myself.the time they gave me itself is a bonus in my life and am thankful.

No expectations
Mental detachment
look at the positive side

Your only expectation should be that you are quite comfortable to have them in your life.that is all.

WannabValerie · Sep 10, 2021

abc00 said: ↑

She said she cannot understand what I'm trying to say whereas I felt it was not rocket science.
Click to expand...

Well, I do see some like this.
Give and take is fine but some peoples agenda is taking only, when their turn comes they 'dont understand' because that not what they signed up for... they only signed up to take.... giving is out of their contract.
However they still keep you in the 'givers' list because they know we give...

You did the right thing...just get off her wagon and lose her.
There is joy in giving ;but to deserving people. There are people who happily reciprocate and both parties are equally involved ( read caring). You are not expecting attention, you are asking for help when you need it; how hard is that to get?. Sometime we wont be able to help but we still give them other things to hold on, because we feel for them
I mean who says 'I dont get it'.. really?

abc00 · Sep 10, 2021

@WannabValerie thanks for your inputs. You are so right in saying that some people dont have giving in their contract. It's like one way traffic with these people. Instead of cutting off I give them one more chance by openly telling about my expectations. I cannot stay detached without any expectations because my time is valuable as well

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