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Do Parents Love Their Children Equally?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Sparkle, Oct 26, 2016.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sparkle, forget about big questions like equal/fair distribution of love, even the smallest of questions about parenting find us extremely vulnerable. Of course, there is going to be uneasiness. At least in my case, I cannot give a white and black reply for such questions. One year my older kid needed more attention. At the start of the next school year, when I was signing the pile of forms the school sends home, one was a 'homework contract'. My younger one, at 9, asked me, "so this year, will you look at my homework as much as you look at akka's?" Parenting, and being adult children to one's parents, is a series of such questions that come at your fast and with no warning. I thought he was more than happy if I don't bug him daily too much his homework.

    Maybe you meant 'have no expectations at all.' We can say what we want in theoretical disucssions. As I look at updating our will, I have choices to make that are hard. It can no longer be what it was - divide everything by 2. I can say 'have no expectations' to parent in a huff, but when push comes to shove, that is not implementable. I saw my father at 75 fall face down from his 6' height due to low bp. I mopped up the blood, washed the bloodied clothes, helped sibling check his jaw and teeth, and struggled to carry him to bed. I could have said I am on a short trip, have no expectations, I have to go to in-laws house. No. I shut up, didn't criticize the care-givers for their carelessness and not making house more senior accessible, just found semi-professional care that could stay with them 24x7.

    sorry to mixup your thread's topic with other stuff, but the quoted post was from another thread, so..
     
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  2. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you and yea it's one of those unresolved things I managed to put behind, not even my ex knew this. Actually the thread question lingered in my head since last week and I began questioning myself again whether it was sort of an act of tough love or not.

    Regardless, past is past and if anything, it made me stronger inside and gave me alot of freedom during my rebellious days.
     
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  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Moved to "Chatter", as more appropriate.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2016
  4. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    The big question is kind of important because of the weight-age its given. When a child asks the parent who he/she loves the most, the answer is usually the both of them equally. After they are adults, either the parent uses it as a tactic to push the child to guilt mode. Or the child uses it to his/her advantage to blame the parent. I am only coming from the perspective that such questions are way too tough for parents to decode, so why use i loosely around children who deify parents well into their adult life, sometimes forever.

    Yes, I meant 'no expectations at all'. Did not proofread my post.
    I think the other stuff and the one in this thread coexist. All is fine!:thumbsup:
     
  5. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    There is expectations and there is humanity.
    Expectations = rights
    Humanity = duties

    How to put a price on a child doing his/her duty because of humanity and love? If the child is performing an act based on a sense of duty, why is the child expecting something in return?

    Its mostly because of the unfair treatment from one or both parents since their younger age.

    Its impossible for a parent to tell a child to have no expectations at all, at-least till they secure a good life. Same way a child cannot tell a parent to not have expectations when the parent is very old and needs help. A balance of both will bring in harmony.

    The in-between years are the real challenge for the parents, the children and self.
     
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I read this article a few months ago. It's probably relevant to the thread.

    It talks about having a favorite child but being fair to all children.
     
  7. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Even though there might be some kind of differences in the rearing of kids, it doesn't mean that the kids are being raised under bias, atleast in most of the parents minds.

    Let me give some examples, not all the siblings are equal in intelligence or health and have entire different personal characteristics. So the parents are bringing them up taking these into consideration. For example a smart kid need less effort to succeed, whereas another with average kind of intelligence has to put more effort. So what would parents do, in such a situation? Won't they strive to uplift the one with average IQ to uplift his/her knowledge with more teachings etc. So what does the perceived opinion from the siblings would be here? The one who is smart would think that bias is occurring, whereas in fact the parents are trying to think both the kids as equal. So how to change the perceived difference discrepancies from the kids minds. By explaining if required. But once they grow up and still cannot understand the stance parents took, there is nothing much parents can do, except to talk if required or otherwise leave it as such, since it is their personal trait. However the traits do change when eventually the kids settle with their families, because the cycle of life continues and they become close.

    In our tradition how much ever we deny or don't like, the fact remains that the girls do get married off traditionally and as such parents do spend money on such things. In some customs it is quite significant but definitely is widespread. So the parents try to do their best for their kids. Mostly nowadays education wise the gender discrepancy is less, not sure but that is my feeling. So when it comes to distribution of property the parents try to distribute that taking this in accordance. A better understanding sibling, would never take these superficial aspects of life into account, but rather focus on the love and affection which is the most invaluable thing. The siblings understand that their parents are trying their best to give whatever possible in their capacity to kids. Such kids would understand parents perspective inspite of the perceived bias.

    If the kids are unable to progress beyond this and are stagnant in their thoughts there is nothing much we could do. It is just how life happens to be, unpredictable. Do what is right and don't expect benefits.

    Having said thus, I have not read all the replies, but there is always possibilities that the bias can happen which traumatize the kids. But since I don't have it even though I had seen in extended family, I will focus just on the one which I am familiar with.
     
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  8. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

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    i think yes but not in bad way... it depends on emotions :) some cant forget their 1st child birth and how he/she learnt to speak and all stuff some may get emotionally attached to 2nd or last kid of family as he/she is their smallllll kid :) and some may feel that elder can understand well and take care of 2nd and why i dont know because elder one have same feel behaviour as younger one rt...
     
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  9. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    Coincidentally, I shared the same link in a previous post of this thread.

    My current view about the OP is: All is fair in love and war. :)
     
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  10. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you for your detailed response Vaidehi!

    Yes, I agree.

    In the process of making the average kid level up with the smart sibling, the parents are trying to make the children equal, but the children can think its unfair. Some kids may not have a high IQ level, they may excel in some other area.
    My personal choice would be to appreciate the smart one for being so and also find the hidden talent in the average one and make him/her shine in that area. By this I am not saying that parents who strive to improve the IQ of siblings are wrong. Its a person to person choice. Parents do what they think is correct for their children, but there is always at-least 1% of doubt with the choices we make.

    How to change the perceived difference discrepancies from kids minds:
    Communication is the key, IMO. In Indian houses, these phrases are common: "See what marks your brother got, you also should do the same" or "See how you sister is younger than you, but she is very responsible and neat". The communication between kids can also be enabled in a way that they can discuss and resolve things among themselves. There is a possibility of the kids turning teaming up and turning against the parents too. :coldsweat:
    I think the problem will resolve eventually if the communication and openness between siblings is enabled in a positive way.

    I agree. Parenting is also a progressive concept. As society changes, parents have added challenged w.r.t parenting.

    :thumbsup:
     
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