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Do mothers stop loving their sons after he marries????

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shobhamumbaikar, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    [FONT=&amp]What kind of mother is she who is more than ready to jeopardize her own son’s health and life just to create and engage in family power politics and defeat her dil in that??? My mil does. She simply disregards anything about the dos and don’ts about her son’s food just because they came to existence at a time when she was not here and her son and dil decided on that on the basis of doc and dietician’s advice and it was her dil that started to cook in that line first. On the other hand she never tires of saying how selflessly she loves her son more than any one else in this world and the next because she is the MOTHER. I had posted my dilemma as to how to handle her, but in this thread I just want to express my utter surprise about her behavior. And want to ask you do you understand any rationale behind it? Is it not outright strange?? Do you have such things at your home as well?? She makes every point an issue to fight over. If dh says I won’t eat such and such things because doc said not to for my so and so problem. Mil’s only answer always is you got ill because you ate such and such things (things that I started to cook, like tomato kadhi in place of pakoda kadhi and dh started to like). Is it possible that she really does not understand the seriousness and thinks that all these dos and don’ts are just my way of having control??? How can I believe that when she has seen the very chart made by the dietician?? How come even after seeing all the reports and everything with her own eyes, all she has to say is "i know, why you say no to this, Shobha makes you do this as she doesn't like it and wants to have things her way only". If it is not, then how come she doesn’t mind risking her son’s wellbeing just for proving me villain??? Why is it that every time she cooks either she has to be forced to abide by the rules by dh refusing to eat some food, or most of the time dh is forced to eat things he should not. The very attitude makes me so sick!!! Why should it be such a scene every time???? Doesn’t she love her own son for God’s sake???[/FONT]
     
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  2. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    It has taken me whole one year to change the scenario.
    I dont know whats up with your MIL but my MIL is very much foody.She loves eating and feeding other different dishes and earn PRAISE.That is a main source of her self esteem.

    She doesnt believe on doctors because many of them have contrasting opinions.
    She wants to continue feeding her son different dishes because she think road of winning over man goes through his stomach.I forgot to mention she thinks if feed him i will have more control over son ans son will eventually stop caring for her.Its her insecurity.

    She resents me because she thinks i am preventing her son from great joy of eating.She doesnt get it that we both are not much foody.Although we enjoy food it doesnt make us sad if stop eating certain dishes.
     
  3. Khushi78

    Khushi78 Silver IL'ite

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    Some older generation ppl abide by the saying " After earning and settling well in life what is the point if one good meal also cant be eaten"( Good meal - read fried sugary starchy etc etc)
    Its not that they stop loving their sons and I don't know how they can be so ignorant especially with the current lifestyles and lifestyle diseases,but their self esteems or EGOs get fulfilled by sidy behaviors.
    No point fighting a battle against a wall. Only u will bruise urself. Coax your H not to eat the stuff at least he is on your side and ensure it is thrown. let MIL eat if she wants, mostly they cant bear food being thrown and create a drama that since so much food is being thrown we may face lot of trouble in future for food. Sorry for the devilish replies. I know its troublesome to have daily fights. My MIL also takes over the kitchen when ever she comes to stay with us. That day itself I relinquish it and only enter for specific purposes only. The day she goes I resume duties again . H n Kids also know only 4x4 items will be available for the specific days. My DD has started making fun also but MIL wont change her ways.
    All the best.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    What is your husband doing in all these mess?

    My MIL wants to feed my DH some sweet and oily stuff too. Sometimes, she strictly restrict him from eating non-veg or tasty stuff which cooked by me. As IGG mentioned, it is her insecurity that she believes the only way to win a man's heart is feeding him. She doesn't want to lose her right of feeding him, at the same time she doesn't want me to win his heart this way. Conflicts comes because of insecurity.

    You and your MIL can continue to fight this way till the end. It can be only stopped if your husband decided to act as a wise and loving person here. Do not simply blame MIL for her act, when you really don't know what is behind.

    If you really think that your H's health is at risk that he must eat certain food cooked by you as prescribed by your dietitian, then make your H understand this. Leave it at that. He is not a small kid to be spoon fed.

    If he thinks the food cooked by his mom or the restaurant food is not safe, then he would reject them. He would find a way to deal with this problem and his people. Take your head out from this.

    I read a thread sometimes before. Not sure who posted it. Where the H was suffering from serious acidity and the doctors advised him to eat simple and healthy food. But just because his mom forced fed him oily and spicy stuff, he suffered at the end. Come on... I too suffer from acidity, and I am the one who reject any kind of allergic foods to acidity because of the irritation and allergies afterwards. I do not need anyone to remind me that I have acidity because my stomach do remind me this often. Further, no one watches over my plate and compete anymore. Perhaps my mom and dad would have done this some 20 yrs back when I was a kid.

    Here the problem is a power game. DIL wants to win the H through his stomach, at the same time by showing her excess love and care for his good health. MIL wants to also over power the DIL by showing something extra.

    The man knows both are obviously overeating. That is why he is silent or ignorant. If he thinks his health is really at risk so his wife is genuine he would right away say a NO to his mom citing his allergy or acidity or any seriousness. Any mom would be shattered to hear the suffering of her son had this been clearly communicated to her by her son.
    Similarly he would eat whatever his mom cooks if he believes it is not a big deal if eaten once in a while to please that old woman, called mom. But again, he can't easily do that openly when his wife is upset or have other reasons to object this. So, he might pretend as if he was compelled (as if he was a helpless kid).

    Your husband is an adult. Perhaps an educated adult. Who knows his health condition and issues better than you both. Treat him that way. Stop fighting for him. It is probably your (both yours and MIls) insecurity. let him deal with his issue. He won't be eating unhealthy food knowingly if that is really affecting his health. So, chill.
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    My MIL cooks wonderful tasty food drenched in oil, butter and cream. Even salads will be swimming in a pile of fat.
    My husband obviously grew up eating this food, and loves the taste of it but we are no longer spring chickens. We have to watch our diet carefully.
    There were the inevitable tears and drama when he asked her to cook more healthfully. Oh, my son doesn't love me, this food is good for you, why are you listening to your wife etc etc. My MIL is a nice person, but this made her very insecure.
    I stayed out of all this. DH and I talked and we decided not to restrict her cooking when she visits us.
    What we do is to cook what we normally do, and serve it on the table with MIL's cooking. Then we take small bites of her food, and she packs lunch for DH. She will even make vegetarian food for me, and I always praise it and often take it for lunch as well. We do end up wasting some food this way but the atmosphere is more peaceful.
    The point of this story is that moms love to feed their kids, and are often resistant to new ideas at a certain age. If your DH also makes efforts to take charge of his eating habits, food will not become a battle issue.
     
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  6. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    To answer your question in short.. MIL-s just start loving themselves more than their sons..they can go to any extent to retain their power and hold over their sons and ensure that their own positions remain intact..in the process everything fades in perspective..even dear son's health....self-destructive love/obsession..
     
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  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Telling someone that her food is the cause for bad health of her loved one is recipe for disaster, in that event the concerned individual will make it her life's aim to prove other party wrong .

    is there nothing in your MIls cooking that is good for husbands health. Instead of saying don't cook this, don't cook that, it may help to switching to ' mom, I love this sabzi of yours , can you make it for me ' may work to some extent .

    opinion regarding what is good food and what is bad food is ever changing, earlier it was no oil is good, now it is being debunked. if you read food blogs , you will see many latest food fads who are including Ghee,coconut oil and spices into their diet as it is being said it is good for brain health .

    homeopathy doctors will say something, Ayurvedic doctors will something , allopathy doctors will say altogether a different thing, it is a matter of personal belief that matters.

    My sister has almost removed wheat and rice from her diet and replaced it with oats and quinoa, I don't agree to that and I keep arguing with her to not to go to extremes, it does not make me love my sister less, according to me she is just following a trend and being extreme. My sister tries very hard to make me adapt quinoa and oats and keeps citing her weight loss and other benefits it has. But we agree to disagree and carry on I with our own preferences.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    You are reading too much into your MIL's insistence on cooking unhealthy food. It is quite common among older people to not follow dietary restrictions unless situation is extreme.

    Your husband is an adult. Why are two women, also adult, fighting over what to cook for him and what he should eat. Cook whatever you want to. If there are more choices on the table, he should have the sense and spine to pick the healthy ones.

    You are making this your problem. A mother who cooks unhealthy food is his problem, not yours. It is completely within your ability to refuse to be a part of this power struggle.

    Your husband's health and what food he eats is his responsibility primarily.

    If I were you, I would cook healthy food, eat it myself, leave enough for others, and start to have my meals earlier for a while, and go to my room and listen to music or surf the internet while mother and son duke it out over the food choices available at the table. :coffee
     
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  9. noush

    noush Bronze IL'ite

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    I know she is your MIL and older to you b y age and experience and also you husband's mother.
    And you are married with all rights rituals into that family, to her son, and makes your his WIFE.
    all this is general knowledge and just the facts
    and for all the reasons above , you have all the right to
    - NOT TAKE EVERY SINGLE WORD SHE UTTERS SERIOUSLY
    - NOT TO PARTICIPATE IN ALL THE THINGS SHE TURNS INTO AN ISSUE. LET HER BE THE ONLY PARTICIPANT
    - boast that YOUR the WIFE and you love your husband more than any more.

    seriously man, mothers are always insecure, one of the main reason which is never revealed is because they (your MIL) was also a cunning DIL during her earl days of the marriage and thats make them extremely insecure.. coz wether they like it or not.. KARMA in the form of your= her DIL is here to bite her ass and pay for the pain she (your MIL) created and caused to ppl around during her early days :)

    hence dont break your head over it. and dont take your MIL seriously for everything, there are few things you can learn from her, just a FEW i repeat, not EVERYTHING!!
     
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  10. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    ha ha ha ha...sorry for laughing out loud, Thanks for your reply though. but you actually echoed my mil by saying that all my insistence on his eating healthy is actually 'showing excess love and care' and they are nothing but my way 'to win' him. No dear. It is not. We simply want to follow the chart that too not in a very strict way. And it was the two of us, not only me, who sat and decided on ways to adopt that chart to suit our daily routine. MIL was not a part of it at that time because she was not living with us at that time. though she knew everything about the illness, doc visits, tests etc. When she came back she was shown the chart, again by my dh and not by me and was told that we are now following this and was also asked for any minor alterations that she thinks may be ok without changing the basic pattern. She did not suggest any at that time and just handed it over to him. and continued to do things her way as if she had never known that there is something called some dietary plan.

    AS i said already it WAS clearly communicated by her son to her. But she WAS NOT shattered. She never cares. Even i thought any mom would be shattered. And that is why i am surprised and hence the thread. There is no question of 'both' over reacting. I never 'react' and say anything to him in front of his mom. I only remind him that he should not eat that,at least not for two three consecutive days, later. And that i do even when he at times feel tempted to have oily spicy, sugary stuff outside in some wedding or anywhere where the mil is not present. And that is not for wining him over or to get over my insecurity. This is just caring, just he he used to do when i was pregnant and at times used to feel tempted to have junks from roadside stalls.

    Yes he has said NO many times. I mentioned that in my op. and that results in big drama that her son does not love her any more and is being guided by wife now. My prob is not so much his not being able to say no, rather it is the reaction that it elicits from mil every time and how conveniently she imposes it on me whereas she knows everything very well.

    One will not be able to see through the problem till the false idea that there is some other reason and not health issue (read an 'insecure' dil), that is behind all the food restrictions, is not removed. But any way, thanks for your reply.
     

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