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Do Majority Of Them Consider Their Mother’s As The Care Takers Of Their Kids By Default.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by viki123, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. viki123

    viki123 Silver IL'ite

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    This question arises many times in my mind since the baby care question comes up with any one (including my DH). Yesterday I had a conversation with my cousin she is 5 years elder to me and her second DD is 3 month younger to my DS.

    Cousin: We just sold all our baby stuff as we have no more issues coming up.

    Me: Oh!! We did the same last month

    Cousin: Why? Are you not planning second one.

    Me: No, I don’t think I can take care. Since I was diabetic and 30 plus it would be high risk and I have to monitor daily. I don’t want to go through that again. Moreover I will not have any help this time and our budget doesn’t allow hiring a full time help.

    Cousin: Why no help? Akka (She is referring to my mom) can come

    Me: She has no leave left and more over she is arthritis patient and traveling between bang and hyd now. Coming & helping me would be difficult on her health too.

    Cousin: Akka retires on 3 more years, you can plan then.

    By this time I was furious and wanted to say, “my mom is not my kids ayya and after retirement what she needs is rest not unnecessary burden of her grandkids baby care“. But for my sanity I kept quiet and hanged up giving some other reason.

    Not only her, I get these kinds of suggestion from everyone, why doesn’t your mom come. Even my DH blamed that my mom gave importance to her carrier and left after 3 months. I really don’t understand. My mom was fulltime working and took care of her 3 kids without any parents or IL’s help. Now that all kids are almost settled, its time for her to relax and enjoy, I don’t mind if they willingly come and help out their kids, but demanding is too bad according to me.

    Most of my mom’s colleagues are facing the same issues. Their kids are forcing them to take VRS just to look after their kids. Sometimes I wonder as kids did we forget to respect our parents life & their happiness and just seeing as someone to help us keeping their life’s aside.
     
    nakshatra1, sindmani, DKI and 9 others like this.
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, such adult-kids are self-centered, and selfish.
     
    viki123 likes this.
  3. Katakam123

    Katakam123 Silver IL'ite

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    Issues sounds familiar.....

    Here I do not want mil to look after my kids, but dh don't agree for daycare
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If the parents forced the kids to get married, and then kept pestering them to have kids, then, the kids forcing parents to help with childcare, is par for the course. If parents did not do such forcing, then, kids should return the kindness.
     
    Laks09, MalStrom, SGBV and 1 other person like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Generally many parents willing to take care of their grand-kids as they too love them dearly, and do not want to leave those vulnerable tiny kids in the hands of some unknown people.
    They feel responsible in a way, and also feel they have some rights towards the upbringing of their grand kids.
    Just that, the old parents rightfully expect a place in their kid's home as a resident and not as a guest. Plus they expect a life time support from their children in return for their favor.
    This way, they feel useful and needed in their children's life by helping their children when they are in need.

    The word family has different meaning in different part of the world. In our part of the world, it is not always about the H, W and Kids, it is inclusive of the old grand parents too.

    There are parents who feel suppressed, and never wanted to support their children voluntarily. They may sight career or whatever the reason not to help. This way, it might look bad to ask them any favor.

    However, there are many parents who really want to help. They go out of line to help their children and grand children to ensure they are doing better. They are selfless, and supportive.
    They feel so connected to their children's family and often feel needed there.
    They also enjoy this.

    So it is not actually using them.

    Good example is my mom. She has her own house. Savings in her bank and a maid to take care of her in her native place, where she can independently live with her surrounding.
    She chose this life at first, when all the 3 of us had different lives elsewhere. But she could never breath relaxedly or feel normal all by herself. She became physically and mentally weak.
    She had so much hobbies, but she did never touched anything.
    Had my dad was living, things would have been different. She would have felt otherwise. But her widowhood and loneliness made her situation so worse.

    Soon after my pregnancy, she joined me in the pretext of looking after me. My kid has made her a different person altogether. She is no more weak, no more sick. Despite of growing old, she feels young and energetic. She has changed her priorities and everything is now her grand-kids. She enjoys with them. She loves being surrounded with people.
    Now she has too many hobbies, and often needs break from the kids to relax, rest and enjoy her hobby, as she has a mood for it.
    But she is often ready to lend her hands when her kids or grand kids need her.

    There are so many moms/parents like my mom only. They happily look after their grand kids, and often do that rightfully. They love their grand kids more than their own kids. The bond between a kid and his/her grand parent is so special.

    This is why people often generalize that " all grand parents are same" "All are ready to help, and love their kids unconditionally" But in fact, not all... Some have different agenda too.
    It is not wrong either.
     
  6. viki123

    viki123 Silver IL'ite

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    @SGBV
    What you have mentioned is 100% true. For grand parents grands kids are more dear to them than their kids. Even if I miss a facetime for a day, my parents would be worried for their grand kid. But at the same point they have other proprieties too, and can't keep them aside to come help me in baby care for 2-3 years. I completely respect and understand that.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. mercyanburaj

    mercyanburaj Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah it's wrong to force our responsibilities to our parents and it brings misunderstandings between siblings too. Yeah once they take care of elder child's children other siblings would also expect such help. Also parents helping to take care of grand children is one issue and they taking full responsibility is another thing. Even in our places it has become common that people leave their children with their grandparents and visit them once in a week. There are lot of complications involved and not good. Whatever may be the age all women want to be financially independent and in most cases job is like a stress buster so even our moms need job just like us. If mom is homemaker and she is willing 100% to stay with her child to take care of grandchildren is ok but otherwise definitely it is selfish to force such responsibility.
     
    viki123 likes this.
  8. nomad24

    nomad24 Senior IL'ite

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    Very Selfish of people to use grand parents as nannies and child minders. It shouldnt be forced. Grandchildren are doted upon by grandparents and that feeling should always be cherished. They are part of the family. Also such people will not even let grandparents bring up the kids their way - they will even enforce their own ways.
     
  9. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    MY 2 cents- I recently went through postpartum by myself coz my mom couldn't take off 3-month of leave. She did come after the baby was born and stayed with me for 1 month. My mother has always been a highly career driven women.
    Yes, I think it is very selfish if I ask my mother to take care of my baby during her retirement. If the same question is asked to my MIL. She will be very happy to do so. I believe the grandparents have a strong say in this matter rather than to be pushed into it unwillingly.

    My siblings and I were raised by my grandparents. While growing up, didn't matter much. As adults- both my sis and I feel very less connection toward my mother. We love her, care of her. But its not the same... we feel for my granny or grandpa.
    I would want my mother's help for initial help during post pregnancy period. But I would let my mom or my MIL partake in my child's upbringing. I will want my mom and MIL to visit/ get to know our DS apart from pampering and nice warmth of grandparents.
    I don't want to take my mom or my MIL as a free nanny! Although my mom is a bit hesitant my MIL is very eager to play the mother role. I don't want to encourage this.. coz nothing is free in this world not even MIL's free nanny service. It all comes with baggage.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
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  10. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    I think it should depend on situation.

    In my case, my mom was left with a lot of time on her hands as soon as my dad expired and she was feeling lonely. My second one was a boon to her. She forgot her worries while caring for him.

    Even now, there are days when I take care of my second one, she lies down alone in the room listening to songs and feeling sad. I hate to see her that way. So I push my second one towards her and she literally forgets every worry when with him.

    however, I don't force her in staying with me just for the kids. She's free to go anywhere and do what she likes as long as she is happy. She visits my sister, her mom and sometimes she comes back even when the work there isn't compelted just to be with her grandkids here.

    I think what we all need to do is to ensure each generation is happy in their choice. Forcing anybody is not good.
     
    sindmani and viki123 like this.

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