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Do I talk or not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anushka2009, May 18, 2010.

  1. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Anushka ... I may differ with some of the fB you've got....
    after 16 years of marriage and dealing with a near to deranged MIL let me tell you that confronting will lead you no where... How much ever you would want o avoid them please remember they are your DH's parents so you can't cut off from them forever... they will be a part of your future how much ever you would want to deny....
    Also whatever action we do set an impression on our kids... so be careful on the path you tread....
    My advise to you will be interact to the bear minimal... expect nothing.... when you feel like blowing your top rush to the bathroom and scream at the walls..... let go of your past don't keep that bitterness in our heart ( very difficult I know)... try hard to forget and harder to forgive ... you will emerge a better person...
    Don't let your in-laws empower your life ......
    K
     
  2. sheetz1

    sheetz1 New IL'ite

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    Anushka,

    My situation has been exactly the same like yours.
    When we got married my parents and I were treated like crap.....
    Insulted accused badmouthed name it and they did it all.
    They even asked my husband to just leave me in the airport and care a darn.
    They always differentiated between me and BIL's wife and they still do.
    We both do the same kind of things but when i do it is a problem and whens he does it is not.
    They tortured me when i was pregnant and they still do altough it has come down quiet a bit in the last 6 years.
    But I will never forgive them ...it is almnost impossible...so i understand your dilemna,.....for most part they live with us and just to keep peace i am nice to them but everytime i am nice to them a part of me is like dying coz i HATE THEM to DEATH!
    sucks that you are in the same situation and have to deal with the BS.My advice would be put an end to it while you can because if you keep trying to be nice for the heck of it it is going to grow on you and you will master the art of acting but at the cost of hating yourself each minute as you are being someone you r not. Trust me it is not that hard...slowly stop calling them and reduce your calls and the length of the conversation ...they will complain and abuse...but hey they do that anyway! So why not do what you want and get hated instead of trying to please them and still get hated in return.....
    Hope it gets easier for you!
     
  3. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    I feel that regardless of their status as your husband's parents, your relationship with them should strictly depend on how they treat you and your individual dynamics. I personally refuse to have ANYTHING to do with people who have hurt me in someway - but that is my personality. Once I'm done with someone, I'm done, period. No ifs, no buts, no second chances. It takes a LOT for me to cut someone off but once they've burned that last bridge with me, there's no looking back.

    This has worked quite well for me. There are some so-called 'close relatives' with whom I have NOTHING to do. Nothing, nada, zilch. I don't talk to them, I don't ask after them, I don't acknowledge them when we do meet and I don't even voice any concerns for / about them, EVEN if I am told that they are ill / in trouble etc. They have done an awful lot for me to be so indifferent to them, but I'm done with them now.

    So, if you feel depressed talking to them and if you REALLY want to have nothing to do with them, then by all means CUT THEM OFF. You don't owe them a damn thing. They are not YOUR parents AND his parents are HIS problem. Don't let anyone think that you are a doormat and to laugh at / about you and think themselves smarter than you. If they cannot respect you and treat you well, then you don't have to tolerate their presence in your life, in your home, in your circle. Abuse is abuse - whether it happened today or two years ago. So, don't condemn your feelings and try to dismiss them as being 'over-sensitive', 'hyper-reactive' etc. I would not advice you to brood on these feelings, mind you, and stew over the injustice they perpetrated against you but I would NOT advocate you forgetting and moving on, acting with your in-laws as if nothing has happened / gone wrong between the three of you. The memories should exist - not to cause you more and more pain - but to remind you to be on your guard against these people at all times, and to never let them hurt you again

    I'm sorry that this got so long and rambling but your post brought back some memories and I felt bad at you labeling YOURSELF over-sensitive and needing a thicker skin, when, in reality, you have EVERY right to feel wounded and resentful against these people who once tortured you with words and barbs.

    Hang in there and do whatever it takes to never let them to do this to you again. If that means that you never look at their faces or talk one more word to them ever again, then do it. You are (or should be) the person whose feelings should matter the most to you. Not your in-laws, not your husband, but you.

    Hugs.
     
  4. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Anushka2009,You said it all in your previous reply about how you should approach inlaws.
    In all your posts I see an eagerness to know how others can get over the past and bitterness and maintain amicable relations with in-laws.I don't know either because I too have given it a lot of thought but just find it tough to reach that state.
    But I can tell you one thing from my experience that has helped me.
    I try not to feel bad for feeling bitter.Instead concentrate on what is the correct behaviour at that moment and go on.
    I call my inlaws on occasions/if its been a longtime we spoke/or just something important to convey.
    My kid and Hubby can talk frequently.I have no problem.
    I think if the relationship is minimal this way,when my inlaws age and need to be takencare of I won't have a lot of baggage with me and I can be cordial at that age because most parents atleast try to mellow down by then.
     

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