1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Do I talk or not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anushka2009, May 18, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    365
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Anu,

    You asked about our individual inlaw problems, so here is how I handled mine....

    I went through A LOT of inlaw problems. My mil is very manipulative and caused SO much problems between me and my dh. But he is on my side and supported me in almost everything.

    1) The first time my inlaws came to visit, they were extremely abusive and degrading to me. It was horrendous. But after they left, I still kept FULL contact with them thinking they would change and eventually settle down. In fact I tried to butter them up by calling them 'mom' and 'dad', sending cards, emailing, sending pics of my dh (thinking I would kill their anger with love). But no, they caused problems again, so then I....

    2) Started limiting my contact. My dh agrees with me that with his mom, less material is better else she will use words to twist lies and make up stories. So I went along with minimal contact for a while.

    3) Then she started spreading nasty lies how my dh was so in love with his ex he tried to kill himself. I IGNORED it. But my dh found out what she said and so I finally told him all the other stuff she had said when she was here on the first visit. At that point I told my dh I can't live with this drama and he needs to chose what he wants in life. He blasted his mom for her nasty lies that she said and we both broke off contact from her for about a year. No phone, no email, no nothing. After that she got enraged and emailed my mom and bombarded my mom's facebook account with so much nastiness, my mom had to take her account down just to get away from my mil.

    4) After some time, I told my dh to at least contact them to see how fil is doing. Slowly they got back in touch. My dh never calls, but they call him. Which is fine with me because dh absolutely does NOT tolerate any nonsense from them so I don't have to worry about their 'influence'.

    5) Dh told his mom it would be nice if she could send me a few emails and show me her good side. So Mil sent me few emails, which were nice in nature at first. Then slowly I got to see what she was doing. Every night she was asking me what I was cooking, and then she would send an email straight to my dh saying "You are not eating right, don't eat this, don't eat that." She ridiculed my cooking, so I gave it back by writing her sarcastically "Yeah, (my dh's name) is rolling on the floor crying every night for your dal bati. I just can't live up to your legacy. So I do the best I can feeding him whatever scraps I have around the house." She went wild and complained left and right to my dh. I told her firmly in an email to back off and what she was doing isn't right by saying one thing to me, one thing to him, and that if all she wants to do is ridicule me, well then we shouldn't stay in contact. My mil then demanded that my dh divorce me and that they were going to indian embassy to complain about me :)rotfl). I asked her point blank what her problem with me is and both mil and fil said "We just don't like you. We have never liked you." When I ask why they say "We don't have to tell you. We have our reasons."

    That is the point I cut off all contact from them. Zero. I haven't spoken to them since about October. And unless my dh stuffs me in a monkey cage and forcefully takes me to India and plops me in their house, I don't think I will be talking to them again anytime soon.

    I gave lots of chances, tried lots of times. But breaking off contact from them has been the best thing I've done for myself. Life is better, my feelings don't get hurt, and now my mil has no material to spin lies. So you see, coming to a decision on how to handle inlaws or how much contact to have with them, can take a long time to figure out. I've been with my dh 5 years, and I'm just now starting to get the knack of how to handle them. There's really no magic button.
     
  2. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    788
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    55
    Gender:
    Female
    Anushka,
    If I were you and considering my relationship with them, I will be happy if they did not call to wish me on my special days and ruin the rest of my day.As long as you have support from your dh, accept the fact about the kind of people your are IL's are and move on.
     
  3. choice

    choice New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I completely agree with suggestions posted here. Just KEEP DISTANCE....this is the key word for happy life. I agree with 'Asuitablegal' ....DO NOT try to confront them out. This is my personal experience. I confront them once (more then a year ago) and they narrated their one side of story to everyone in family that they are most helpless, poor fellows (Bechare maa-baap) and I am worst DIL in this world. My SIL and BIL stopped talking to me after that. After that they called my parents to tell how badly I dis-respected them. I never talk all these InLaws problem to my Parents because I don't want them to unnecessary worry.
    But thank god my husband understand things. Its not that he is just taking my side because I am his wife but he knows I am right.

    I learned this lesson in a hard way but now I know where I am standing right now. When I got married, they keep telling me "you like our daughter ....you can share anything everything with us....any problem any concerns". But these things are just show off nothing else. TRUTH is they can never treat me as their own daughter.

    You are lucky that they live far away from you.
    I am not saying you should not take stand for your rights but as they don't live with you AVOID as much you could.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear,

    Yesterday I saw in one of the news channel that 15 years old raped and killed by sex offender and that mom was telling she decided to forgive that men and move on.She said,she don't have any peace for last 15months becuase of that.Now he gor prison sentense and she also talk to that guy and she did whatever she could.Now she wanted to move and forget the past because she wanted to have peace for her own sake.
    So we need to forget things and move on for our own sake and mental peace and not for the sake of some one.
    To keep peace in your own house,you need to wish your husband parents otherwise he won't be happy and if he is not happy you will not be happy.
    So ocassional wishing is good and forfget the past is also good for own sake.Remember it's for own good and not that we are doing favour to someone else.

    Just my 2Cents
     
  5. sonpari1000

    sonpari1000 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Anushka, truly its never easy to act normal with someone who has caused so much pain and hurt to us especially when you havent given back your piece of mind to them. In my opinion, as long as that is the only hurtful episode and your inlaws respond to you well if you talk nicely to them, then you should not be keeping a distance with them because of something that happened 2 years ago. You should definitely try to extract their positive side by trying to be good to them. It may so happen they may start to realise their mistake. Only if that does not work out and after a few failed attempts should you go in for the "distancing act".

    Dont worry that they are laughing at your back - If at all you are able to overpower them with your love (even if it is simply an act put on) then YOU will be the one to have the last laugh.

    If you are so distressed, I suggest you just yell your heart out imagining you are talking to them, the next time you get some alone time. Believe me that works :cheers and that will surely calm you down.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  6. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you friends for sharing your genuine thoughts with me. I read each and every one of your posts. I always wondered how people stayed happy in midst of issues, now I know!

    I have learnt a lot here from you guys today, the most imp thing to do in life is to keep yourself happy, everyone around will be happy anyways. Try to ignore and forget the person if you cannot forgive, that will only give YOU peace of mind and some happiness. Be the bigger person and let go of what they said, but never forget the lesson learnt, dont be naive and let it happen to you again. If you cannot let go, keep some distance if that makes you happy. The end result of all this should be you should be happy. Life is too short to dwell over such things, not every thing works like you planned or want, you have no control over what people has to say or behave. You cannot make everyone happy and they never will be how much ever you try. Accept this!

    I feel much more positive today, and i will try to stay this way.

    Thankyou so much everyone!
     
  7. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    OP,

    This comes from personal observations of both mils and dils.

    Mean inlaws love to dish out crap to sincere dils cuz they know that she feels the hurt and gives them that control/sadistic pleasure/importance ..whatever.

    My suggestion is to put the ego away and play the 'role' and move on. Eventually they give up when they know that you are on to them and you are telling them what they need to hear. They know they are not able to hurt you and stop their activities after trying a few different ways. Often I have even noticed them showing respect to such dil as they know she 'knows' the game and truly accept her in the 'fold'!
     
  8. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Sarma,

    I never thought from that perspective, but you are absolutely right, now when i think, yes she(MIL) is a control freak, dominating, in every aspect (i always knew). As you said, Creating a scene and lashing out probably makes her feel important, gives her some kinda satisfaction, superiority feeling. She does that with several other people I have seen. Like dominating in kitchen, not let you touch things, modifying the cooking I do, always giving her opinions and saying what she thinks is right and what we think is absolutely wrong. She thinks I am over educated, arrogant, proud, and whatever i do is wrong - reason : she has more experience, knows what is right and wrong better than anyone. :bonk

    I think more I understand this behavior, more maturely can i handle it in future, and more can I grow as a person. Also about the EGO part, you probably are right, but there is some self-respect i cannot fall at her feet now. The other day she told me, my kid is very intelligent bcoz she got it from me n DH, thats one thing good in you..i dint know if i should be happy or sad at the statement.:idea ?
     
  9. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Just to be dramatic, if you are offered this role on broadway, would your self respect come in the way? I do a lot of things thinking exactly that. Every one deals with their share of control freaks and jerks!
     
  10. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Do you really act in front of your MIL like you are acting in Broadway?.. Hilarious! I cant help but imagine myself doing so :biglaugh

    In my situation I would be at the recipient end of hearing the heavy emotional dialogues and MIL will be leading the show, everyone else be given a dumb (one who cannot speak) role. Story of my life!
     

Share This Page