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Do I talk or not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anushka2009, May 18, 2010.

  1. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

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    Hello Friends,

    How do you behave with inlaws on an ongoing basis after they have done much harm mentally to you?
    I just cannot come to terms to what they said to me and to my parents. They verbally abused me infront of my husband and after going back complained to my parents about my bad behavior (???) about my upbringing being wrong, i having no manners (in spite of me listening to all the abuse and not back answering or saying a word to them). I on the other hand think, why did my parents listened to the b###...and not give them back, they know me better than anyone. My parents are getting over it slowly and still manage to talk to them at times. But I am having a very tough time getting over it. I cannot help but hate them and talking to them. I dread weekend times, birthday times when i have to talk to them. Why is it so difficult to get over it for me? I spent most of my adult life in US, and you learn to self-respect, everyone around respects you for who you are, and it just comes natural to everyone here. I just feel i have lost my self -respect somewhere in this journey with Inlaws, they abused me, insulted me and now me talking to them pretending everything is okay, they probably are laughing at my back, thinking how smart they are and how they taught me a lesson. I hate myself when i have to talk to them, and feel depressed later on.
    I see other DIL dealing so well, i just wonder where i am going wrong. How come they are so easily able to forgive n forget and get on with their life still managing an okay relationship with inlaws. I do agree I am getting very sensitive about this now being 1.5 -2 years that the abuse has happened. How do i become thick skinned? How do I become strong? Should I tell them that I will never forgive them for what they did?
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    No, I don't think you should come right out and tell them anything, because they will cause a big scene (like before). Telling them directly would not go well.

    Instead, I would slowly ween off contact from them. Rarely call. Eventually your contact with them will be very minimum and that way you will have more peace of mind. If your husband is on your side, just tell him you are limiting contact for your own peace of mind after all that happened between you and his parents. And when you do talk to them, don't push yourself to suck up and act sugary sweet. Just talk to the point, give your 'well wishes' and pass the phone back to dh.

    If you are still having so much mental anguish over their behavior 2 years after it happened, then the healthiest thing is to distance yourself from them due to the bad memories they trigger.
     
  3. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

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    Hi asuitablegirl, thanks for your response, i really appreciate it. I thought about it and i think you are right, saying anything to them will again cause a big scene, its better to stay away than suffer later, becuase they always have something to say back, i am the one with tongue in the cheek.

    I have tried not talking to them over phone but on special occasions you do have to talk, but some things make me very uncomfortable, like they do not wish me for my occasions and expect/force me to wish them. I think like you said i will slowly cut myself off, but how much should i cut off, do you think i should absolutely not talk? Also, I say they making fun of me behind my back saying they taught me a nice lesson, is not my imagination, as thats how they think, i have seen them saying it on multiple occasions with different people. Inlaws are kinda people who like to raise their voice and fight.

    Any other options? Please ladies kindly help.
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Anushka2009
    From ur posts i understand that u talk to them only on special occasions...u cannot cut them off completely...they are ur dh's parents...he is going to want to keep relations with them in spite of ur dislike for them...U have to become strong...sometimes after marriage we have to keep relations with people whom we do not like...it is a sad reality...anyway the bare minimum like talking on the phone once in while will do no harm.

    I have also been thru bad times with my in laws...but 2day i talk to them only on special occasions...if there is anything they call dh in his office nd talk to him coz they also r not fond of me:bonk...it is "kahani ghar ghar ki"...i got viral recently nd they never asked how i am doing...if my dh sneezes while talking to them they get worried...

    so cheer up...don't bring these thoughts in ur head...u r only harming urself by thinking about them...keep smiling!
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Anushka, my approach goes this way..
    When bunch of dogs bark in the night/ day they feel they're doing a great job.. & they're the king of jungle... you can either choose to sleep peacefully overnight or sulk how to sleep in midst of barking.

    Always remember that you can't burn your bridges with people who'll remain a preinneal part of your life.. no matter if you can get along with them or no, they're your DH's parents. Keep in tch and call on special occassions.. keep discussion minimal but if you CUT off it shall turn into EGO game and result into TIT for TAT, whether its applicable to your parents or no.

    So in all I would say RECIPROCATE, and remain in touch with inlaws.. what appears a problem to us might be a regular practise or "minimal expectation".. and definition of necessity to luxury varies from person to person.
     
  6. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Anu,
    You can not completely cut them off they being your DH's parents. And knowing their nature, it is very hard that they'll change their ways. So, try to see things differently to make yourself happy.

    E.g. You say that they do not wish you on your special occasions. I would say, in a way, it is good. Why do you want to talk to them (in case they call you to wish) on YOUR special occasions? wont it again remind you of old bad memories and spoil your mood? So, its better that they dont call. It is further limiting your interactions with them :)

    Also, next time if you come to know that they are quoting 'We have taught her a good lesson and hence she is forced to talk to us', you should have a big laugh for their immaturity. Is there any fun when you know that a person is wishing/talking to you FORCEFULLY and not from his/her heart? So, i guess, it is them who are fooling themselves with a thought that they won by forcing you to talk.

    Remember, the key to your happiness lies within you. It is not depending on others and certainly not with the people (like your in-laws) who dont care for you. So, relax !

    ~S.
     
  7. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

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    To everyone, Thanks for all the replies, i appreciate them wholeheartedly. Thanks for caring and replying to me.

    I am reading that you one way or the other all of you have had your share of inlaws problem. Were you able to forgive and forget? One of the things i asked in my original posts how are you girls able to do just that (forgive) and get on with your life? I wish i can become the bigger person like you girls (sending you all Hugs). Please share some of your wisdom.
     
  8. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Anu,
    Well, I dont really have any in-laws issue, but like any human being, me too have some people in my life who have caused me hurt and anger. I wont say that I have 'fogtton' those things, but I have always *tried* to 'forgive' eventually.

    All this is not because I am a saint but due to pure selfish reason of keeping myself happy. I believe (and have experienced) that bitterness/resentment/hatred harms us more than the person we dislike. Hatred sucks on our positive energy and fills us with all negative emotions. End result - we ending up as unhappy person in life. and morever, it causes no change in the person we hate (what an irony).

    Here is what I practice:

    1. I try to 'forgive' people for their actions thinking that they are naive and dont know how wonderful it is to be nice to everyone around. In fact I pity them that they are deprived of this nice feeling. Once you start pitying a person, the hatred feeling fades to an extent!

    2. If the -ve feelings are more, I try to be distant from such people (minimal communication and no proactive interactions). However, I respond (with neutral feelings) if they proactively contact but do not restore the relation to its old charm instantly (unless and untill I am sure that the person has realized the mistake and is trying to genuinely patch up). While such interactions I try to keep on instructing my mind that 'It is only for a short time that I have to tolerate this person. The talk will be over soon and hence no need to be upset'. This assurance that 'it will be over soon' keeps me going on my talk with the person in a lesser stressfull way.

    3. Sometimes, I maintain cordial relationship to those whom I cant stand but can not completely cut off as well (e.g. manipulative office collegues). In such cases, it creates some stress (of acting against our inner voice), so, I try to remember some good thing about that person (any small good thing) and concentrate my attention there for the time being (for the time I am actually interacting with them). It helps me distract my mind from the bad memories associated with that person and makes it easier to communicate cordially.

    And last but not the least - always remember that life is too short for all these ill-feelings and thinking over bad past. Make most of good memories to keep yourself happy. I know, it is easier said than done, but one can at least make an effort to practice this :)

    ~S.
     
  9. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    What I am talking about here is not specific to IL problems.. but problems in general. I try not rewind and replay the bitter past. So in due course I even forget what was the problem. I just shut down my mind when bad memories, hurt words, crude actions tend to do a 'cat walk'. I will just distance the persons caused/causing hurt from my mind and maintain cordial (but not close) relation. I do not know if these actions fall under 'forgive and forget'.. may be 'ignore and forget'?!
    Whatever it is, I for sure move on with my life with less baggage.
     
  10. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    well for me...i take it as lesson learnt...every time i meet my in laws i learn something about the best way to deal with them...bcoz they create new issues on every occasion...so now recently i have come to the conclusion that i shud give them and their beloved daughter the royal ignore...:idea
     

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