1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Do I Need To Trust My H ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by b86monica, Sep 29, 2020.

  1. b86monica

    b86monica New IL'ite

    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Ladies,

    I need your valuable inputs for a serious problem that I have with my husband here

    I've been married for 14yrs and have a 12 yrs old. Both me and my H are working IT consultants.

    My H is a total control freak. All at home should obey his orders kinda guy. However, he is a very good father and known as very calm and nice guy to his family and friends.

    This incident happened couple of weeks ago - One morning my H was so stress and came to confess something that happened to him that previous night . He told me that he is in a complete mess involving with a lady and police.

    My H said that he met this lady X in some public gatherings through a common friend. The common friend introduced X as a single mum and she need some help in finding a tenant to share a flat with her as she is struggling financially. So this common friend suggested my H to help her as my H have good contacts in a place where she lives.

    Since my H has a helping nature, he agreed to help her. She used to approach him now and then for pity things asking for a help. My H helping her was happening without my knowledge.
    I have never seen or met this X. I'm just pening down what husband has told me so far on her.

    My H says one night she pinged him on a FB messenger and started to chat in general asking as how he doing etc..the chatting with her went on till midnight. When I and my daughter were in deep sleep my H has gone to meet this lady at her flat(all this happened without my knowledge)

    He told me that she instigated him to go meet her as she was stressed, depressed and need a shoulder to cry for. My H went to meet her at her flat in the night without my knowledge. She gave a glass of wine to him and tried to seduce him by pulling him to dance. She was taking a video all this while and then all of sudden she started to blackmail him by demanding him the money and If he failed to do so she'll send the recording to me and post the video in social platform. My H was petrified and tried to convince her to delete the video but she started to act weird asking him to leave the place. Therefore, my H snatched the phone from her hand and came home quietly. In the morning, he again went back to her place to hand over the phone back to her and to his surprise, the police were already taking the statement from her. He had a brief conversation with police there and explained what happened and handed her phone to police and was back home.

    After he coming home he so scared and nervous as what's going to happen next! He quietly came to me and started to tell me that he is in a complete mess and told whole story of what happened asking sorry for what all happened. I was in total shock and was in tears to learn all this happening behind my back. My H did confess to me saying he used to chat only once or twice a month with her only when she start the conversation and he says he hardly knew her otherwise and was trying to help her that’s it! When I asked his show the FB chat history he says he has deleted everything including her contact number.

    Now incident happened 2 weeks ago and luckily there was no call from police. Looks like the lady would have withdrawn the complaint.

    After learning that this won't become a police case , now my H acts so normal as nothing happened and back to controlling nature.

    He expects me to forget as what happened and be normal.

    I feel he is so manipulating. His actions still haunts me as why he has go in the mid night to meet her if he hardly knew her? I’m mentally disturbed and have no respect for him. I can’t be the same to again.

    Also I need to say that few yrs ago I caught him chatting with some other lady and he promised then too saying he won't repeat again.

    Do I still need to forget everything and trust him again?
     
    Loading...

  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    759
    Likes Received:
    1,068
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm really sorry for what your going through.
    Looks like he is hiding something to put up act as a control freak and to outside people he looks like good man, devot dad, nice friend.
    He is deceiving.
    Pls don't trust him anymore before
    1) going to marriage counselor
    2) passwords for all social media , all devices.
    3) finance under your control. He has to contribute for household and child education expenses.
    4) should be available for kid's needs, kitchen, cleaning , laundry duties
    5) give him a ultimatum you would tell all his friends, family if he does this again.
    Tell him you can't act normal will he act normal if you had done this to him? Ask this question Every single time when he says forget
    It's not grabbing his peace. It's to restore your sanity & marriage.
    So much happens in background going at midnight when wife sleeps... What kind of person does that. He hid everything, if it's for a friend no need to hide or sneak out like teen at midnight.
     
    Sreevidyaa likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,378
    Likes Received:
    2,885
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Agree with @Vedhavalli . Its hard to believe..Do you know who that woman is.. is there anyway you can talk to her to know the truth?

    Don't go back to ideal wife mode soon. Let him face some consequences.. do this till you get clarity and transparency.

    If you go back to him soon, he will think its ok for you and consider its ok to do similar things behind your back. He knows how to manipulate the situation. He don't respect you. You have to demand it. Even if he is controlling, dont yield to things you can't agree. You deserve better treatment.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2020
    Sreevidyaa likes this.
  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    219
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Have an open talk with him .Control your emotions ,no crying,no blame game,no fight.Gear up and tell you cant take nonsense from him anymore.He needs to be transparent and address all the emotional issues you are going through.
    Take decision based on his reaction and your state.
     
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,651
    Likes Received:
    2,106
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    police came to her home? for what?
     
  6. b86monica

    b86monica New IL'ite

    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Because she gave a complaint to police that my H took her phone.
    On the night when my H went to her house, she secretly recorded and she then started black mailing. So my H snatched her phone and came home. However, next day morning he went to her place to hand over the phone and that's when police was already there at her house taking a formal complaint.
     
  7. b86monica

    b86monica New IL'ite

    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Vedhavalli, DDream, Appu Mom,

    Many thanks for taking time in responding.

    Yes, I have absolutely NO respect for him for what he has done. For the first 2 or 3 days when this incident happened he was so worried where he will be arrested as the lady had filed police complaint for snatching her phone from her. Forcibly snatching someone's phone is an offence and he might be jailed for that if she had proceed with the complaint. My H was so stressed the following that he might have to attend interview with police etc ... he tried contacting solicitors to seek their advices aswell. An then after learning that she withdrew the complaint he acts as though he is clean and no fault of his and started to behave normal. He started telling me that he is very innocent and all that he did was trying to help her. His acts pissed me to core. He never even thought how I felt he cheating behind my back. I couldn't see any remorse in him for what he has done. He screams and yells at me if I take out this topic of he can do this me.
    I've broken inside and every day kills me for he playing with my emotions.

    I'm sure he wouldn't have told me anything if the lady wouldn't have given police complaint.
    I have no details about this lady. I donno who she is. I feel like meeting her and learn the truth. I know this is not the whole truth. I can't share this with my child too.
    Should I tell this to his parents ? their parents think that they have a perfect son!
     
  8. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    57
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    He is lying. It’s real hard situation. You need to give ultimatum regarding this issue. Don’t give up. He will take you for granted if you start believing his lies. They tend to blame the other lady and put the entire blame on them. Affairs break most marriages and you need to be firm and have a good discussion with him. His parents will never accept that he is wrong. So no point in taking this issue to them. But do you have parents or siblings who can help you in this time. If so then seek their help.
     
  9. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,651
    Likes Received:
    2,106
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    May be there was a bigger thing in her complaint, otherwise police wouldn't come to her home I feel.

    Other than police complaint and your H got scared, everything else is half lie, if he is not interested in taking advantage of her situation, why he will go there in the midnight and drink wine with her. And still not his fault but she only seduced him? He didn't?
    Meeting her and knowing will give more pain to you as she also will tell only lies mostly. So put your energies in how to be out of his mess and how to avoid his future coming up mess
     
  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    927
    Likes Received:
    1,512
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I am really sorry what you are going through.I hope you have supportive parents/siblings/financial independence.

    Sorry , I dont think you should patch up with him or give him another chance. Because what he has done is not at all acceptable . He has just spun a story and put the entire blame on that lady. But his going and meeting her at midnight, while wife is sleeping- is worst thing. Dont even think of trusting hiim.

    I find it hard to believe a single woman will simply involve police unless something major has happened. You never know the truth could be something totally opposite to the story he said. It could be he has lied to her about being married - it could be anything at all.

    You dont deserve this kind of mess in your life- you must take help of parents /siblings and get out of this There is really no point involving his parents except to inform them- they will support him this is the reality. Why your teenage daughter has to suffer in this family? Its not good in the long run.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2020

Share This Page