Do I have to take the initiative every single time?

cheenu123 · Jul 17, 2014

I am married for almost 1.5 years. I stay with my DH and MIL. MY FIL expired 4 years back and since then, my MIL has gone into her shell, as per my DH. This is because she was entirely dependent on my FIL. In these 4 years, my DH and MIL have developed a very strong bond which is highly appreciable. However, I have a throbbing problem these days because of which I am really tensed.

My MIL NEVER EVER takes an initiative to have a candid conversation with me. She is at her best when I am the one who is always asking her what is to be cooked, what is to be done, what is to be bought, how is your health, how is the SIL, etc., etc.

However, there are days (like once a month) when I too feel low, because of PCOD treatment, work pressures, tiff with DH etc. During those days I become a loner because I require time to resuscitate. She notices this but never offers her help or consideration, rather she also detaches herself from me.
I highly detest this behavior of hers.
Does being elder give her a right to be always demanding. Does being elder is it not her duty also, sometimes, to help her children when they are down in dumps, does she not feel like asking me or helping me to come out of my problems. Why does she become so indifferent. On top of it, she even complains to the DH that why is your wife avoiding me, when she should be asking that why am I avoiding food, office, DH, etc.

beingloved · Jul 17, 2014

Try reaching out to her whenever you need her support. Tell her your feelings at that time only and ask her for guidance and support. There are high chances she won't disappoint you!

Reesha · Jul 17, 2014

oh...i dont know what happens to some MILS, they are not at all try to form bond with DIL. dear OP, dont think about her even for 1%. No need to take initiation. your lucky is you dont have FIL. so you can use her as per your need. already you are most initiator. so make her orders that, i am sick today. so take care todays cooking work. dont show any courtesy on her even she seems to be tired. even u put lot of efforts, you will not get good name from her.

Why you are asking her on everything like cooking decisions & other needs? why you want to confirmation/ permission from her? do your self on your own decision.

see hear,you need to to take two safety precautions when ever you need her help.
1. dont complain/discuss with DH about your MIL lazyness. he is having strong bond with her than you. mind it. so he will shout on you only.
2. dont ask before of DH and if she complained, just reply to him that i am also person like her. i too having tiredness & health problems. i too not getting single help & love from her.

if DH shouts any thing....ignore him. it is your life. not DH's & MIL's.

Iamagoodgirl · Jul 17, 2014

why do you expect emotional support from MIL?Why cant from your mother close female friends?

yellowmango · Jul 17, 2014

She may be suffering from depression.When you need help....ask her for it politely.You both may not be working on the same frequency and may need extra help in understanding each others need. Similarly...you can tell her that you stay busy with your work and other problems...hence if she needs something or some help,she should tell you and you will do the needful.

Anamika99 · Jul 17, 2014

What you feel now from MIL, i feel it for 15 yrs, and my FIL is there. I am trying to make a point what if that is just the way she is. (it could many things, but this is a possibility too )

Do not expect her to do things for you, but i know we are human being and we need reciprocation so only thing you can do is reduce your initiative...just do the needed ones - no beyond call of duty , and for your need, connect to somebody else, and also get help with maid or something for those days.

hugs, i know how it must feel serving all and not getting anything served.

cutesmile09 · Jul 17, 2014

Dear OP,

Hugs to you! Firstly, pls concentrate on ur health instead of breaking ur head reg MIL, it's not worth it, I am married since 7+yrs in my exp I can tell u a MIL however good she may be can never be your Mother, just stop expecting care from her, why r u looking for emotional support frm her, No never, pls know her food preferences for once like some May not eat onion, garlic or brinjal or some dal& prepare food accordingly, no need to ask her every single day, u plan the meal menu& hire a maid if she doesn't offer help for chores,speak to your Mom/Sibling/Friends/Good neigh our when you feel low or want to relax, Most imp thing try to get close to your DH, Stay Happy& Blessed!

sunshine1970 · Jul 17, 2014

Hi this is a common thread in all MIL, do my pooja and sevai and I owe you nothing. Till this day my MIL expects me to ask about her health, ask her if something needs to be done for her, ask ask ask. The minute you stop because maybe you are tired or have something to do , all hell breaks loose. Do what you can, and don't care about the fall out. Let her complain. I would reduce what you do for her, so she can slowly get used to it, the more you do the higher will be her demands.

anmolhai · Jul 17, 2014

I agree with above posters about why are you looking for emotional support from mil? No matter how good mils are they can never take the place of your mom or other close females in your life.

Its sad but the truth of life.

Ragini25 · Jul 18, 2014

Iamagoodgirl said: ↑

why do you expect emotional support from MIL?Why cant from your mother close female friends?
Click to expand...

do u realize MIL also lost hubby and possibly may be in depression. Not that her behavior is correct, but people hardly diagnose depression properly in India.
I am sorry to write like this, but sometimes your posts in certain threads comes across as "my needs are to be put first" type.
Sorry, and I dont mean to accuse, but wanted to state that it came across that way honestly based on reading various threads.