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Do husbands appreciate stay at home wives?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by smart_soul, Apr 8, 2010.

  1. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]I don't know if husbands appreciate. But whenever I complain about work stress etc to my husband...he says "happily leave your job and stay at home...why do you slog"...well he preferred non-working woman...but I told him before marriage I would like to work entire life :) . He just left it to me if I wanted to work or leave it . It doesn't mean he wants women to stay at home and not be financially independent......its just he feels women are stressed out with work and family.
    But in future if I prefer Stay at home wife/mother for sometime I would not ask him to help in household chores myself. Anyways he even doesn't help me now in household chores (he helps me in all other matters except this [​IMG]) but I sometimes nag him to help. Might be then I will not nag him..He might be already stressed out with office work
    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2010
  2. vennelaaaa

    vennelaaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SS,
    I cannot answer the first question, but trying the answer the rest two...
    I am married and working. My husband helps me with the chores. I have a friend who is not working and her husband never helps her with any chores, he does not even do his own work. She tried to ask him a couple of times and raised the topic that my husband helps me with chores. he answered that he need not help because she is not working and is at home all the time. Anyways, this is just an example...nothing can be generalised.
    Coming to managing time at home, there are hobbies.
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    SS,
    I am working mom with 2 kids and DH doesn't like to move even a spoon by himself.
    My mom has been a housewife thruout & dad helped her in everything since me n bro were toddlers - ranging from waking us up, morning chores, getting us ready, teaching us while getting us ready, taking for outings, shopping, cutting our nails etc etc.. .. mom's job was cooking/ dusting & arranging house and feeding us.. this was a huge job in itself given that we had too many pets as well in the house :)... also then the time my dad went to job my mom had time for her hobbies rather than just working like a servant.. as I do :spin.

    They also shared cleaning and drying & folding of clothes equally without any argument or pre-decided act.
    Dad loved her the way she is and same for her and expressed to her in several ways... mine doesn't .. so it depends on person to person...
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear SS,
    Like Shilpama said it depends on person to person.

    My opinion if you value yourself no one can de value you.No matter whether you are working or at home.

    If you stay at home you are still working so don't need to fret.

    FL.
     
  5. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear SS,

    I go with both Shilpama and Foundlove. It is upto the person to person. Also if you value your self, no one can devalue it.

    You are not going to relax at home, rather you are only changing the type of your work.

    Earlier it was working with computers, colleagues in an office, now working with cookers, spoons, and kids/ DH, at your home. Both jobs are respectful and highly appreciatable.

    Both my mom and MIL were home makers, but their respective DHs never treated them equally.

    My dad used to help my mom with house hold chores, parenting, gardening, grocerry shopping, teaching their kids, etc..etc.. He even cooks and clean the home whenever my mom is sick or tired. My dad used to wash his cloths, and sometimes washes my brother's cloths (when he was small).He respected his wife as an asset and loved her like anything. Hence all the supports.

    But my FIL treated my MIL like a servant lady only. He never helped her in any house hold activities. Cooking, cleaning, gardening, parenting everything should be done by my MIL. He never prepared a cup of tea at his home. Never washed his plate, never washed his cloths. Also never allowed his children to work on their own.
    My MIL is now 52 yrs old, but still she is doing EVERYTHING at her home alone. No help from anyone. Reason being, my FIL never loved her, never respected her value.

    I used to be a working woman since begining, but due to some family reasons, I resigned from my job recently and just started a new life as a home maker.
    For now, I don't see a reason to disturb my DH for helps in house hold activities or shoping, as I have too much time left to do everything, and I like to be engaged all the time.
    I cook, clean, wash, do shoping, take care of bills, EVERYTHING. My DH never volunteer to help me, but I too never asked him as I feel I am perfectly all right to do everything alone. Moreover, I help him with his office works (as I too worked in the same field before) during nights.

    I have my own saving, and I get monthly interest from my savings, so I no need to wait for my DH to do anything. So, I really enjoy this break very well.
     
  6. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you all ladies for your responses.

    Earlier when I used to stay home, as SriVidhya said, I was/still on H1B. But this time I will go on H4(if I decide to quit). Also last time I wouldn't call it 100% of his fault as well, for there were times, I lost patience and raised my voice (mostly valid ones) which would trigger a big fight and would end up with you are not making any money kind of words, that would certainly hurt me (for I had never depended even my dad for my expenses right from the time I was out of school). He helped me very little for he was busy with work. So it didn't bother me then.

    In my house my mom was a home maker and my dad treated/still treats her with respect, helps her with almost all the household chores which gave my mom her time for her hobbies, friends, relatives (as ShilpaMa said). Same with my MILs family too. And my DH never questioned me for any of my spending even when I was not working. He was/is very liberal and trusted/still trusts me when it comes to money matters.

    But as SriVidhya said, it could have been very well the initial days of marriage problem that kind of blew up in size at times. And yes, this time I quit I know what I'll do to keep up my sanity . :thumbsup
     
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    It varies from couple to couple..
    My DH is the same caring person whether I work or on a break. He treats me with the same love and care whether I work or at home.

    He helps in household (except cleaning which he hates - luckily I love cleaning) whenever he can. I ask for help whenever I can't (do by myself) which by the way is not so often whether I work or not. It is a mutual understanding - if he is busy I don't disturb.. If he can he never hesitates.. no ego there.

    Spending - he gives total freedom regardless of my work status - But I hardly ever spend. He bugs me to buy things infact.

    I take breaks at my will.
     
  8. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    I totally agree with those IL's who said it depends. Yes, it depends on the attitude of the husband. I have seen people with both type of attitudes.
    Those who appreciate housewives and help them in the kitchen after work and help them with everything and I have seen working women treated like trash because either they didn't earn enough or depended on their DH for getting them into this country, later helping them get a H1 and a job.

    Personally.... I think it's always good for a woman to be financially independent irrespective of how her DH treats her.She should be able to stand up for herself. I have personally seen cases where the wife still continued a marriage with an abusive spouse because she is financially and emotionally dependent on him due to visa issues and has no place to go to. On a personal front being financially independent gives me a sense of security and immense freedom. If I want to buy something or invest in something I just do it. I feel having a job irrespective of the pay gives me confidence and I feel my education is useless if I sit at home and turn into a scumbag for my DH to kick around. I can't stand stuff if tomorrow my DH says I brought you into this country, got you a job, got you a GC so it's my way or no way.It's was the main sole reason I pestered my father with my mom's support to come into this country as a student, get a job and be financially secure, and file for a GC as a primary before I get married. If tomorrow I have to walk out on my DH due to personal issues I should be able to do it without a second thought-instead of thinking about my financial situation, my dependent GC, going back to India to depend on my parents etc etc...Just my personal thoughts..meant no offense to anyone
     
  9. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Smart Soul, Nice member name!!! Coming to your query, it depends on husband. I was working until very recently. I quit due to some personal reasons and have been very happy. When I was working (in IT) I had very little time for my family. I used to work late (depending on deadlines, project launches etc) and spent more time at work than home. This was affecting our family life, especially our son. So we decided it is better I am at home so I can give him full attention. This has made such a big positive difference to him. Before, he was a withdrawn, quite child, now he is brimming with self-confidence! I am not saying that this is only because I am now a housewife but I do attribute 90% of this change to my being there for him, being able to listen to him / talk to him, spend lot of quality time with him etc. I volunteer at his school too and got to know his teachers and friends. It is just amazing how much an at-home parent can help / support their kid(s). In my case, my husband was fully supportive of my decision. In addition because I am now no longer working I am able to spend my summers in India with my parents and inlaws. Previously, the grandparents only used to see their grandson for 10 days each as we would go on 3 week vacations. Now they each see him and enjoy him for 1-and-half months (3 months / 2). I don't know if you have read my stories here but anyway my parents are going through very tough times so they appreciate my presence there for 1-and-half months with their grandkid. My inlaws are gems and are getting old too so it is good all around. Main thing is, I am happy with my decision. I recently got an offer from my previous employer asking if I can work part time but I refused. My son really needs me so I won't be even thinking of going to work - full-time/ part-time until he graduates high school and is on his own!!!! Just my opinion. Have a frank discussion with your husband and come to a consensus. If he does not feel comfortable with your decision to quit, then see if part-time work will be good compromise for you. Both of you should be happy with your decision and net result will be that your kid(s) will be happy too. All the best to you! Being a housewife rocks! :)
     
  10. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you all ladies for your responses

    Wow Anuradha, thank you for your response. I really like your perspective of staying at home wife. This is something that I really have to put my thought into.... Self-confidence of the little ones. I seriously didn't think that far, for my baby is not even 2 now. But definitely will take that aspect into consideration as well. But as a question of fact, do you/would you ever look at working women and go "Wow.. Look at them.. they have such interesting life and also $$$$ in their account", etc., etc.,

    I had a heart to heart with my DH yesterday and he is open to any of my decision (work or quit). But he did ask me the question I asked you. I said confidently that I won't look back (because if I go on H4 obviously coming back to work status is out of question) . But then I asked myself this question multiple times and I felt a slight glitch there.
     

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