Do all indian men hit and verbally abuse their wives?

neekita1984 · Aug 4, 2014

Hi,
i am posting on this forum because i desperately need answers. I am of indian background but not born in India. I met an Indian guy and we had plans to get married. However he has a strong personality and so do i. We had numerous fights in the past, he told me he cant deal with emotional pain. Being in pain myself i could not stop letting out my feelings and kept dragging on things. After two years, it has now reached a stage where he will slap me, hit me, throw things at me, spit on me (rarely), choke me. I told him many times that i cannot live like this. I was not raised in this kind of violence. In the begining i would go back to the relationship because i felt it was not life threatening. Two months ago it became worst and worst. I would struggle to breathe when he would choke me, he would pull my hair. He would slap me. One day he asked me why i am quiet, why i seemed changed. I only told him quietly, 'the way you treat me when you are angry, do you think i can be happy'..
he started abusing me with all kind of words, (i forgot to say that he also abuse me a lot verbally). i kept quiet for this time (usually i dont). I went to sit on the side as my tears started to fall, suddenly he started throwing things at me. I was SHOCKED, because his temper would escalate in a fight, but here, there was no fight, it was just a conversation; what did i do? I only answered his question! I got angry and threw things back at him. Finally he got up from the bed in rage. I knew i had to get out as i knew he was going to attack me again. I locked myself in the bathroom. I was too scared. I actually feared for my life. I could not believe that the person who loved me so much and whom i loved so much actually made me scared to death. He tore all my clothes with a knife in the room. I never contacted the police before, I did tell him before that if he continues i will have to call the police. He used to say to me, call the police so that we can end this relationship. I called the police that day. He was shocked. He said in his culture, no woman calls the police to put their husband out. I did not press charges, even though the police kept asking me if i wish to do so.
I said i dont want to press charges, i just want to be safe. My friends told me that he would be happy with a submissive woman. Please help me understand. Do all women in india have to be submissive and accept anything and everything? He said in his culture noone calls police to throw husband out. Did he expect me to wait till he kills me and still not do anything for my safety? If i could defend myself i would not have called the police. But i am not strong as a man. Why does not he understand that? Doesnt he feel bad to attack someone who cant defend back? Does not he realise how much i suffer from his attacks? Because apart from his anger, he is the most caring and loving man that i ever met.
Thank you.

sdiva20 · Aug 4, 2014

OP it is shocking the way your "caring and loving" husband treats you. I am an Indian who grew up in India and let me tell you that all Indian men do not treat their women like this. It is no different from any where else where some men are vicious and violent and most others are not.

I am amazed that even after such treatment, you call him a caring and loving man. I don't see any love or care in a man who abuses his wife physically or verbally. The first time he raised his hand on you, you should have called the cops. He has rage issues and if you continue to keep quite, he will one day kill you in rage. I mean I don't personally know anyone why would choke his wife or raise their hand on their wife.

Please get out of this toxic relationship for your own safety.

seekingbless · Aug 4, 2014

in my 15 years relation (including 6 years marriage), my dh have not even hold my hand with his strength. no verbal abuse or violence at all. both of us are malaysia born indians.

in ur situation, ur dh's act is not normal. get help asap.

neekita1984 · Aug 4, 2014

Hi,
Thank you so much for your replies. The reason why i say he is caring and loving is because he really is loving and caring in all aspects of our life when he is not angry. I did not think the choking was life threatening because when he would see i struggle to breathe, he would release me. I have never been able to get out of it by myself. I am very attached to him. I have my share of insecurities. Whenever we argue we will get back with each other within a day or two, maximum 5. So i have not learnt to live without him. I really want to make this work. I know you will all tell me that i am stupid and beyond belief, but i still have hope that he can change. In the past some men do these things but then as they mature they change, dont they? I was told by one of my friends that with a submissive wife he would not have these issues. With me, i cant let go of an argument that matters to me. So it keeps on dragging, leads to verbal, then to this. I should also tell you that previously when he could not deal with the emotional pain when we argue, he would cut himself with his key. Basically trying to make me stop talking. Then it progressed to him putting his hand on my mouth. I told him i cant breathe even though he is not blocking my nose. Then it escalated to slaps and the rest. He told me that i make him angry and i kill his mind. I thought him cutting all my clothes with a knife was scary too. One of my friends said he clearly just could not handle the pain and did everything to release the pain he feels when angry.

Ragini25 · Aug 4, 2014

See people have written you clear suggestions, now its your turn, you should put in some effort to get yourself out of this situation, rather than IL-ites spending the next 5 pages with essays on "please listen to me", "girl, we are telling you all this...".
You know it, you know the danger, and you know that he is not gonna change much.
Instead of waiting for IL-ites to plead and make you see reason, you are an adult and you can and should read the above posts again, and act on it.

mansimahi · Aug 4, 2014

Dear OP...in a nutshell...he is a sick man and needs psychiatric help. No man Indian or otherwise will raise his hands on his supposedly loved ones. And ...stop making excuses for him that he is loving or will change if u bcome submissive etc and get out of this relationship pronto for ur own physical and mental safety.

Shanvy · Aug 4, 2014

a victim can be helped or really wants to get out only if she realises that she is one. as long as you try to say caring and loving in the same post as choking and hitting and shouting, it is very difficult to get out.

no submission will not help. don't take wrong advices.

and no men do not hit. neither my husband hits nor would my son hit. because that is how i am trying to raise my son. respect fellow human and women. show respect to other women as you would like other men to show respect to your mother and sister.

abusing is not because he is a indian man. it is more to do with his character.

you op make me think of ABCD - abroad born confused desi...

guesshoo · Aug 4, 2014

OP, normal men do not do this. Nationality doesn't come into it. Since you ask, NO! INDIAN MEN DO NOT TREAT THEIR WIVES THIS WAY.

Your husband is sweet at times because that how emotional abusers work. Their intention is to retain their prey with their sweetness before another bout of abuse begins. havent you seen the movie sleeping with the enemy? Also read Maddy's post here about the psychology of abusers. http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/222203-psycology-of-abusers-manipulators.html

Oh! And I'm sure he makes you feel you are the reason for making him abuse you. Wrong! He chooses to inflict physical and emotional abuse on you.

There is no point engaging with him. whether he sees that you are being or not is irrelevant. He is a psychopath and you need to leave him NOW.

Find a support group in your locality and leave the house now with your important stuff. Press charges. He will act sweet and sorry and promise you he won't do it again. Don't fall for it. Get a restraining order for your safety and get yourself some counselling to undo all the effect of the mind games he has played. You must leave NOW. He won't change ever.

Shanvy · Aug 4, 2014

I am of indian background but not born in India. I met an Indian guy and we had plans to get married
Click to expand...

is it only me who feels it is the bf and not her husband. and that she is on a yo-yo in this relationship. she gets back to the guy inspite of the abuse...

yellowmango · Aug 4, 2014

No Op....most Indian men don't .Nor do most Indian women tolerate such abuse.Only men who can get away with such vicious abuse are the ones with women who call"choking,slapping ,hitting ,spiting ,attacking with knife "as non life threatening behaviour.Only men with wives who find"choking ...but letting go when she struggles to breathe"...as loving behaviour.

I am sorry OP....looks like you thrive on this abuse. You are an enabler and choose to be with this abuser.

No, not most Indian women are abusers because thankfully...most Indian women would not put up with this degree of abuse. I think you need to see a counselor and work on your self esteem .

Will he change?????.....No he will not. Not unless he finds someone who will give it back harder the first time he raises his hand.....or someone who will call the police and send him behind bars for a long time.

A piece of advice....get rid of this friend who seems to find excuses for this criminal behavior and get yourself some friends who care about your well being.