1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Divorce or live together?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by drjp, Dec 12, 2007.

  1. Sumathy

    Sumathy Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    137
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    This is probably the most naive reply you'd get but I want to write this to you as a 'woman to woman' note. I cant give you any tips on how to cope, etc but My heart goes out to you in your battle and wish that you find peace in your decision.

    As somebody else wrote, you seem to be a well-grounded person and I feel you have introspected enough and decided on divorce. The best, I feel. Now, you need to get comfortable with that decision by telling yourself that the 'core' value of the 'marriage' has been sacrificed and that you are doing the best thing for yourself and hence your kids. I am sure they would understand and actually admire you for your decision.

    I think there would be support groups for separated Indian women over there. I also feel that you should not come back to India immediately as it would be 'two' major changes in your kids' lives.

    Take care, believe that you are doing the best for yourself and the kids and try to enjoy 'your' life. Pamper yourself with a holiday, go for shopping binges and enrol for some dance, music class, etc.

    Cheers,

    Sumathy
     
  2. PoonamSri

    PoonamSri New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear,
    you already have lot of suggestions. I am of the opinion that it's never late. This guy has experienced your gullibility. Time to show him that he is not the world. take the kids and give them a life they deserve. MIL can no longer dictate. Make your own life. and remember in life there are no suggestions. Take your own decisions. Every decision is right.

    God bless you.

    Poonam
     
  3. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Ria, Poonam, SS, Sumathy
    Thanks a bunch for your encouraging words, greatly appreciate it.
    My story is a good example of how a beautiful fairy tale like life could be ruined by combination of mommy's boy and possessive MIL. It started like a fairy tale, he was best husband anyone can ever ask for, got married after 6 years of knowing each other. After the first 2-3 years MIL did not like the son completly ignoring her...mind you she is a well educated lady. Her jealousy and insecurity was imbibed into the DH and rest is history.
    These messages have been my friends now, and I look forward to these every day.
    You guys know more about my thought process then even my parents. During this hectic married life, I lost all good friends... nobody to confide with :((
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey Come on Strong Lady

    Cheer up. You are one dynamic and throughtful lady. Life can never be aloof for you. Just pull this phase through. There will another happiness waiting in some corner. And Dont feel alone. If you want , you could talk to me on phone too. I will pass on the number. If that helps a bit.
    Never feel alone. If no one, atleast God is always watching us. Whenever life hit bottom low, thats just an indication of another upcoming swing in future.

    In my dad 's words... We make our lives , sometime others , sometime misfortune, sometime our own actions destroy our heavenly place. We have no control over outcome of our faith,our actions, our dear one's actions. But we have control over is, how we will build it back from there. And mind you, that building back journey will make you stronger and more charming person. So just lie low, let the tide go over. And do consider havign a full time cousellor to help you deal with it.

    Its like living without one important of body here on.. But later on you will realise that part was rotting for long time. Hence for you to heal faster better way was to let that part be cut.

    And about fairy tale and MIL's involvement. I would say, blame should lie 100% on your husband than anybody else. Because he is adult, educated guy, if he wants his mom's advice to kill his family life. Then also I would blame the guy totally.
    For you to heal faster, I would say, Just dont even think who did what. Because more you think in that line more you are holding yourself in that mud of dead relations, failed trust and self-consumed weeds.
    I may not have seen this tragedy, But I have seen quite a few. And each time u rebuild your life, you will just get better. I remember a quote a stranger white old man told me once. I was sitting on bench on aloof train station and crying hard. He was some 50-60 years old elder COP. He came over and asked, is there anything I can do for this crying beauty. I looked up and with teary eyes said.. No there is nothing you can do. He said okay I will just sit next to you and watch those tears roll over. I was still busy crying. It was about a problem at my parents 's house. After 15 minutes of sitting there, He just said one line.."I dont know what makes cry so hard..but all 60 years of living this life taught me one thing.."No matter how low it gets, no matter how painful it feels.. But Life only gets better."
    And I think thats very true. Dont wallow in pain. It will not help you. Live through pain, start collecting your lfie back, piece by piece , day by day.. and You will know your strength had increased. Whenever you find yourself immersed in thought of past and blame game. Busy yourself in something real, which needs to be done.

    Best wishes
    Ria
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2007
  5. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    47
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear drjp,

    All of us here are going to be with you to help you overcome this challenging phase in your life. You will emerge a winner. No doubt about that.

    Everyone has provided such wonderful advice. Induskr and Ygnica have provided the “been there done that” advice that I think is extremely valuable and will help you hugely.

    I wanted to point out one thing which I sensed in your reply and which I think is important for you to clear up in your mind.

    From this particular reply of yours I sense that somewhere you are still ascribing a large part of the blame for your husband’s behavior to your mil. Is this true? One thing I think you must clear up in your mind is whether you hold your husband largely responsible or not? Sorry if I am telling you something that you may have already done.

    But ultimately your basis of breaking this relationship and moving on is going to be that your husband is incorrigible and no matter how much you try to mend, he is beyond correction. You have to know and believe it firmly that this is the case. That your husband cannot be worked with. Only then you will get that killer instinct to take on the second part of the journey – the rebuilding process. So don’t leave any room for doubt.

    Ria has written a very nice reply that will help you a lot. Surely there is no other way than to put up a strong fight and believe that life can only get better from here on.

    I don’t want to say much because I feel everyone here has already provided such fantastic insights that there is not much left to be added.

    However, I would like to suggest a couple things.

    Do “assign” some time during the day to grieve. Assign may be 20 mins or 30 mins in the day to grieve your loss, to feel bad for what happened, to sympathize with yourself, whatever. Grieving is a necessary part of the moving on process. But too much of it will prevent you from moving on. So put a time limit on it. This way you will not feel like you are being forced to suddenly forget everything. You have lived with it for 12 yrs so it cannot be forgotten so easily. So give it its due but don’t submerge yourself in it.

    This one that I am about to write, has been suggested by some friends already. However, I wanted to emphasis on it again.

    Think about your “individual” emotional needs too. Of course you will do what is needed for the kids, for the family but think about what are the top 3 individual deprivations for you right now. And actively find ways to address them or at least make them less painful. If we are not feeling good about ourselves we cannot function for too long, we are bound to go down the depression spiral all the time. So do take yourself very seriously and listen to your heart about what it wants.

    I believe in the adage “it is never too late to mend”. You can never go wrong in correcting something no matter how late in your life it may be. It will always help you.

    Keep faith, seek out help and call on us anytime you need us. God is great and he always helps. I have never been disappointed by Him no matter how big or small my problem was.

    Wish you all the very best. Take very good care of yourself.

    SS

     
  6. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Ria and SS
    Thanks a lot for your encouraging and supportive reply. Your nice words instilled a sense of confidence in me. To answer your concerns on who should I place the blame on, in the end it is DH. As Ria mentioned, he is an adult should be able to deal with situations by himself. However, I am extremely bitter about MIL situation because she made sure to add enough fuel to every possible spark we had in our life. Obviously, my decision is separation is not based on the MIL's actions, definitely DH's actions.
    SS,
    I am not sure if DH is corrigable.... not sure if things could get better with him. strong reasons for me to separate now is to let him know that

    1) I will definitely not be able to forgive him completely.... I will not be able to go to him without wondering where he has been last night!!
    2) This attitude will definitely reflect on the kids......
    Greatly appreciate your help.
     
  7. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi DRJP:

    My apologies for not responding sooner. Never got to check this site. I am so glad you have moved to your cousin's place. Just going some place where you feel "cared for" and where you can vent makes a huge difference.

    Just remember, it takes a lot of guts to do what you have done and the first step of letting your husband know about the separation and actually showing him that you are serious about it is the most difficult part and you are done with it.

    Since he is not with you on this divorce, do you feel safe about going back to where he lives? That was my biggest fear when I left my marriage. Though we had discussed the separation, mine did not believe that I would actually DO IT. When I did, I filed the papers in the court and when my attorney told me they were in the court system, I left the house and went away to a cousin's place. I called him from there and told him I had left for good. The reason I did this........

    1. The courts will take it seriously if you take a child out of the state and the dad can file a complaint saying I ran away with a minor. I would never get custody again. To avoid this, I had to file papers to let the court know that I was going out of state with a child born in that state. I knew he would not do anything, but I wanted to do everything right.

    2. Statistics show that when a woman tries to leave a marriage, it increases her chances of getting hurt or worse, killed, by 10 times. He had never hurt or hit me, but you never know what one is capable of. So, I wanted to leave the house and never go back to it until he left the house and moved out or until I made sure a LOT of people knew that I had left the marriage. The point is.....to make sure as many people as possible know what the status of your marriage is.

    I know all this sounds scary, but hey, I wanted to LIVE and wanted to be there for my child, so I had to be safe. I found a good attorney who gave me the right directions, so a lot of it was done legally right.

    As for as "dealing with the anguish" of leaving a long term relationship, I don't know what to say to you. I was married for 8 years and when I left the marriage, I think I was so ready to be happy again, that I really did not miss out on anything. The "fear" is the worst part. Once you get over that and use the first few months to set a routine for yourself and your kids, things will start looking better.

    I feel for you, when you say you don't have any friends. I was the same way. I had let go of all my friends, and work and home were the only things in my life. I have slowly built things back. Just by not having all the drama in my life, there is more free time to do stuff. I started doing things that I liked to do before I got married......like reading books, working out, I volunteer in my son's school, I volunteer a little bit in a local hospital, go out once in a while with my friends at work.

    How old are you?? 35??

    I am 32 and I feel this is my 2nd chance in life to do what I WANT TO DO. Not many people get this chance. So, run with it. :party


    I feel like I lived the first part of my life for my parents, then for my husband, now, it's all about me. As long as I am a responsible and loving mother, what I do with my life is my own thing. I don't have anyone to explain to and it feels great.

    I miss having a "companion" and when my son is not with me, I don't like walking into an empty house, but this feeling only lasts a few minutes. You have to learn to be happy "by yourself and with yourself." In just this year of being by myself, I have learnt a lot about life.

    On a lighter note.......I am not saying you have to do this.........I went out on a date recently with an American guy and it felt good to know that when you are HAPPY and start enjoying everything life has to offer, people will find you very attractive. So, I know that when I feel the time is right and when I am ready for it again, I will go out and start meeting more people. This time around, I will be armed with more knowledge about men, life experiences and even if I make a mistake, it will be MY MISTAKE :)

    You seem to be a strong woman and I am sure you will do the best for you and your children. Just be safe and know all your options before you do anything.

    As for him "dealing with one thing at a time"....he is just a selfish ass and he needs no more chances. Move on and you will be much happier without him in your life.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2007

Share This Page