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Divorce or live together?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by drjp, Dec 12, 2007.

  1. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    DRJP

    It's good to know that you are leaning towards separation. Divorce is never a "good" thing and no one wins when it happens. But, it is something that cannot be avoided in certain situations like your's.

    Unless your husband is a "bad father," taking kids away from him is not a good thing. Someone might be a bad spouse, but still can be a good parent. Unless you can prove that he is a bad father, you cannot really take the kids away from him......especially if your kids are US Citizens. No court will allow you to do that and your divorce process will be a long drawn one!!

    If you are a permanent resident/citizen here and have a job, you should consider living in the US and giving your kids an opportunity to have both parents in their life.

    It might seem easier now for you to move back to India since you have your parents' support........but think in the long term as to what is best for your children.

    If you have specific questions for single moms, then ask away!! I will be glad to share my experiences with you.
     
  2. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    YGINCA.....

    I am so proud of you for the strong person you are!!
     
  3. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Divorce or live together? Good dad?

    YGINCA is indeed very strong, definitely inspiration for me.

    Here is my question for all the women that are following my story
    who is a good dad? Indu...raised a good point - he can be a bad spouse but a good dad.

    Who is good dad?
    - a good babysitter
    - a good role model
     
  4. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Continuing the last email,
    he is a good baby sitter, my son will 7 soon - so will not need a baby sitter in a few years.
    I am not sure if he is good role model, he obviously is not trustworthy and he is also not self-disciplined.
    On top of it, his family is the worst family anyone can have (trust me I am not the only one that says this, every single person that knows the family says this).
    My reasoning for going back to India is:
    1) we were planning to go back in a couple of years anyway
    2) if he is committed to kids he will follow, he is in a career that will not be affected by going back to india.
    3) I will have strong family support there, that irrespective of divorce status I will get the help I need.
     
  5. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    DRJP

    A good dad is definitely someone who would be a great role model.....my son's dad has some things in him that I hope my son never learns from him, but at the same time, he is a very dedicated dad. Everytime he has my son with him, he is totally dedicated to him, knows exactly what he is doing in school, knows all his friends at school, takes him to playdates, does a lot of physical activity, etc. So, I trust him to be a good role model for my son.

    In your case, if you both mutually agree for the divorce, you HAVE TO still sit down as a family and discuss what approach is best for the KIDS. Your son is 7. He knows what a divorce is and will have a lot of questions. In addition to going through this, do you think it would be OK for you to put him through another major change such as moving to another country?

    In my humble opinion, I think you should approach the divorce first, take care of that and start living separately. And if he is a responsible dad, he will plan with you about going back to India and you can plan for that in the next year or two.

    A lot of times, we end up making decisions that suit us and we expect our kids to automatically adjust to those changes. That's wrong and it is very hard on them. Put them and their needs ahead and involve them as much as possible in your decision making....

    Good Luck!!
     
  6. geeta_sathish

    geeta_sathish Senior IL'ite

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    Dear DRJP,

    Everyone has given you some important points to consider.

    But I just wanted to add the following:

    Before you think of separating, won't you want to know if there is any truth in this paternity case? In a paternity case, these days, the truth will come out with 100 % accuracy. When would you know the status of this case?

    Also, he has cheated you once before (I am still hoping and praying that it was only once, and that this paternity case is a set-up as he claims) and you have been generous enough to live with him after that. At that time, what was agreed upon between you two?

    My suggestion would be that if this paternity case proves to be correct, then you have to leave him for sure. He cheated you once, you gave him a chance and he still didn't change. But if at all this is a set-up case, and if you leave him in haste, you don't want to regret for it later. As you have kids and as you feel that a father figure is important for them, it is better to think and decide about separation. Again, please think if he is beign a good dad or not for your kids, even if he is not being a good husband to you.

    Take care and whatever happens, don't lose hope. A husband is important in life, I agree, but your self respect comes first.
     
  7. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks again for all your emails.
    Geeta, he has confessed to the one night stand... I think that is enough for me more than paternety.
    I am very concerned and confused about how to bring this upto the kids. Husband is not in favor of Divorce... I am fighting an uphill battle here. He is not even talking to me about our future, all he says is he wants to deal with one thing at a time. I am not convinced with that answer, because that to me is a stalling attitude. You would imagine a responsible person would make sure that homefront is taken care of first.
    I had given him a chance to start a new life....... he is not responding atall. To summarize, he is not for divorce, he is not giving me any encouragement to live together.
    I feel very miserable, he has been in my life since I was 18, and now after 17 years of knowing each other things are here.
    I am not sure how to deal with this?
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    He seems like one self-consumed person. I would say instead of deciding anything pivotal you need to give this man taste of what his life would be without wife and kids.
    He is definitely not in terms of thinking from your angle. I think part of it is because he has taken you for granted for way too long. And it has become his second nature.

    Why dont you give him some months off family? And Also give yourself and your kids some time off his mess. Plan some 2 weeks vacation to Hawaii or some nice place, you would not generally go. Treat yourself with some happiness. Also sometime distance makes people understand tougher lessons, which our presence can never teach them.

    You can always tell kids that he has to go to different city for some months. And then I think he will come down from his own world.
     
  9. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Ria,
    Thanks for encouraging email. Just this morning I decided to take to kids and go to visit my cousin for a couple of weeks. At this point I have almost decided for separation, I am only trying to make this as smooth as possible for kids! It is a shame that he is not even considerate of that factor.

    Yginca, Induskr
    Any tips on how deal with the anguish of leaving a long term relationship?
     
  10. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Thats some relief.
    Have you thought of taking up counselling to help you cope up the stress? Good counsellor may just help you priortize and figure things out. Mostly it may be covered by health insurance here. no harm in trying it.
     

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