Divorce or live together?

DRJP

It's good to know that you are leaning towards separation. Divorce is never a "good" thing and no one wins when it happens. But, it is something that cannot be avoided in certain situations like your's.

Unless your husband is a "bad father," taking kids away from him is not a good thing. Someone might be a bad spouse, but still can be a good parent. Unless you can prove that he is a bad father, you cannot really take the kids away from him......especially if your kids are US Citizens. No court will allow you to do that and your divorce process will be a long drawn one!!

If you are a permanent resident/citizen here and have a job, you should consider living in the US and giving your kids an opportunity to have both parents in their life.

It might seem easier now for you to move back to India since you have your parents' support........but think in the long term as to what is best for your children.

If you have specific questions for single moms, then ask away!! I will be glad to share my experiences with you.

 

YGINCA.....

I am so proud of you for the strong person you are!!

 

DRJP

A good dad is definitely someone who would be a great role model.....my son's dad has some things in him that I hope my son never learns from him, but at the same time, he is a very dedicated dad. Everytime he has my son with him, he is totally dedicated to him, knows exactly what he is doing in school, knows all his friends at school, takes him to playdates, does a lot of physical activity, etc. So, I trust him to be a good role model for my son.

In your case, if you both mutually agree for the divorce, you HAVE TO still sit down as a family and discuss what approach is best for the KIDS. Your son is 7. He knows what a divorce is and will have a lot of questions. In addition to going through this, do you think it would be OK for you to put him through another major change such as moving to another country?

In my humble opinion, I think you should approach the divorce first, take care of that and start living separately. And if he is a responsible dad, he will plan with you about going back to India and you can plan for that in the next year or two.

A lot of times, we end up making decisions that suit us and we expect our kids to automatically adjust to those changes. That's wrong and it is very hard on them. Put them and their needs ahead and involve them as much as possible in your decision making....

Good Luck!!

 

Dear DRJP,

Everyone has given you some important points to consider.

But I just wanted to add the following:

Before you think of separating, won't you want to know if there is any truth in this paternity case? In a paternity case, these days, the truth will come out with 100 % accuracy. When would you know the status of this case?

Also, he has cheated you once before (I am still hoping and praying that it was only once, and that this paternity case is a set-up as he claims) and you have been generous enough to live with him after that. At that time, what was agreed upon between you two?

My suggestion would be that if this paternity case proves to be correct, then you have to leave him for sure. He cheated you once, you gave him a chance and he still didn't change. But if at all this is a set-up case, and if you leave him in haste, you don't want to regret for it later. As you have kids and as you feel that a father figure is important for them, it is better to think and decide about separation. Again, please think if he is beign a good dad or not for your kids, even if he is not being a good husband to you.

Take care and whatever happens, don't lose hope. A husband is important in life, I agree, but your self respect comes first.

 

He seems like one self-consumed person. I would say instead of deciding anything pivotal you need to give this man taste of what his life would be without wife and kids.
He is definitely not in terms of thinking from your angle. I think part of it is because he has taken you for granted for way too long. And it has become his second nature.

Why dont you give him some months off family? And Also give yourself and your kids some time off his mess. Plan some 2 weeks vacation to Hawaii or some nice place, you would not generally go. Treat yourself with some happiness. Also sometime distance makes people understand tougher lessons, which our presence can never teach them.

You can always tell kids that he has to go to different city for some months. And then I think he will come down from his own world.

 

Thats some relief.
Have you thought of taking up counselling to help you cope up the stress? Good counsellor may just help you priortize and figure things out. Mostly it may be covered by health insurance here. no harm in trying it.