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Divorce imminent

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Tridev, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Riya there is lot of sense in what you said. I guess lot has been said and done on this thread and now it is upto me to analyse and act , wait or file for divorce..give time, or finish it ....


     
  2. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev - your wife doesnt seem to be the manipulative or controlling kind. if she were you mother would not be livign with you now and you would have been divorced the day your mom started living with you.

    you still remain quiet as to when DD appeared in your life. Was it prior to you being married to DW or after? If you bothe adopted DD together then is it really true that you DW is abusing DD? Many parents spank their kids, that is not abuse. And she does have a smilar parenting structure with your DS as well. So her behavious is not specific to DD alone. She may have some parenting issues and with all the stress around her its aggravated. But she certainly doesnt fall in the wicked mother bucket

    She seems to be very hurt by your constant decesion to pick others over her. You can still take care of your mother when shes not living with you. I think just leave her alone for some time and do what you promised - move mother to a different place.

    as for putting DD in a hostel - I wouldnt do that if it were my kid. Unless its extrememly spoiled and putting it in a hostel would do her some good. If I had married a person with a child then I would expect that he would always choose his offspring over me. There is no question about that. But if DD is your DW's offspring as wel i dont see how she would not want to see DD. Just from a mothers perspectiv - I may not want to see DH but could never separate from my kids - adopted or biological.
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    pscyh, it seems you are new on IL. I have been discussing more than a year and old timers are aware of all the problems, you need to do search to read my threads from last year rather than saying I remain quiet and all. Hope you take it in right spirit...

     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tridev

    I know what I am..so I dont have to explain my thoughts on who is actually a MAN. But in your case I had to use the word CHOOSE because even during the divorce talks and patch up decisions, you still are haivng this background issues of what about my MOM? I cant leave her? what about my daughter etc..understood you have responsibilities you have to take care of it, but I guess the way you are communicating your thoughts is all messing up the whole situation.

    Remember this..if me sitting miles away can just feel that you are choosing, what about someone who lives with you day in and out?

    Basically when you are talking about divorce or living together, first of all you ahev to talk about you and your wife. Why talk about all those people who didnt live with you all this while? Either you talk about your mom or you are talking about her parents..who never lived with you all this while and dont know whats going on ...even if they know its just one side story and half cooked information (just like what we know here from your explanation).

    I guess you want to handle every issue using this SITUATION. which wont help. i.e you are making it a point that you are divorcing for she not being ready to change, she not beign ready to let you live with your mom and DD, she not being ready to do what you want...but might be she also has the same reasons. this is what I was trying to say.

    Sorry again..but in every post of yours you have a reason and you fight it out saying ohh she didnt let me do this thats why this problem, ohh am I wrong in wanting to take care of my mom??? So do you think all the men who live out of the country are not taking care of their parents? how many of them live in the same city as their parents? so lets not make parents as a reason for separation (thats what my point was intending to say)

    Fulfilling responsibilities means balancing out the life and people we are with..not saying ok if you dont agree I would quit. However in your case you and your wief have hit the dead end, because iwth the kind of resentment you have for her, the negativity in your thoughts, doesnt make me see any hope in going forward in this relationship,..,as both of you are in your own world..with your own hurt and upset feelings.

    Anyways I dont know your wife and I dont know you personally so you know very well there is no point in taking sides. But we have to think from the other perspective also right/? what is the fun if I keep say yes to what all you say, we would run in the same circle, not thinking out of the box. I know the points I stated might be wrong..but atleast it would help that ok we have analyzed and covered those points isnt it?.(so I appreciate if you stop making statements about me and if you think I am wrong I would stop posting my comments..no hard feelings )

    Just wanted to add this

    When you talk about patch up discussions...usually any woman would love to hear / be asked about

    what about us?, what about our kid? do you love me? do you think I love you?, would you be able to live away from me? do you think you need more time? shall we stay apart from some more time?why do we have to raise our kid in a dysfunctional family? if you can point out a reason for yoru dissatisfaction what is it? (I can come up with thousand such questions..with no talks about parents...)

    I really dont know what you spoke to her..so I wont make a comment on that..but if someone says ohh you didnt respect my family/you are not allowing me to take care of my mom, you dont gel well with my bros family..these sound more like allegations than reasons. JMO
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  5. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    DARN !! Extremely sorry!! So so so very very sorry!! That was bad on my part. very bad! I am indeed new. So so so very sorry.

    Moderator please remove my post as its not valid.

    My apologies to you Sir !!
     
  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    My mother has not lived with me for more than 5 years, and my life is hell. She used to visit but that was also a punishment. And it is not My DD alone, it is our DD, my wife and mine, someone who takes responsibility by signing cannot just vanish away saying no no I dont want now and all.. I am not really messing your interpretation probably is giving that outlook....I can leave my mother even tomorrow and have her live alone, so what about DD? now you will say it was your brothers daughter, so then why did my wife say yes and adopt? was it right to do that and then neglect the child? was it ok to see all that she does to child and still agree to her terms to save marriage?

    Sri if you read all your post from previous I feel you go in rounds , first you wrote that when you knew your wife is not good with your DD why you had another baby with her. These does not really help to analyse or solve the issues..

     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Tridev,
    Sorry to hear about all your troubles. Its both sad and devastating when a marriage comes to an end. There is no magic formula as to what works.

    However, at this point its not important whose fault it is. Just move on with your life. You would not want to stay with someone who alienates you from your DD. You have some responsibility towards her as well. At this age she needs a home environment more than anyone else.

    I hope you find a better solution than I could come up with. Good luck.

    FL
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev, I was just wondering...

    ...do you still love your wife?
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I know I am also not able to pin point your dissatisfaction...see you say i can leave my mom in one post..in the other you would say i will put my daughter in hostel...and again you would say i have to take care of my mom how can I leave her...So where is the confusion ???

    Thats what everyone is trying to say...HANDLE ONE issue at hand. What is more important now? Marriage? Moms health? Daughters hostel? Which is in bad shape? handle that first..doesnt matter about the rest for now...Take one at a time. Am sure your mom would also agree on this one. I have read in your posts that she is a very sensitive person, SoI am sure she wouldunderstand if for a while you are concentrating on your personal issues in marriage (i guess all this while thats what you have been doing too)

    I still would say ..when you ask your wife lets adopt if she said yes, that shows she is a good person..if now she is saying no...I guess might be she is feeling threatened that she is not your priority anymore..(doesnt matter how many ever times you explain it to her..as might be she doesnt see it being consistent in your actions)

    Even before you established a good marriage, you took on too many responsibilities. Yes I would still say having another kid, when your adopted daughter is treated badly was a wrong step.

    Tridev..You wanting to separate is your personal choice. You dont have to justify it with reasons...your mind and heart know it well why you want to do what you want to do..simple. So lets keep it that way..rather than trying to dig the past is my suggestion. Because yes we can go round n round with no solution as for this marriage to stand back again..needs 2 of you..that too with a open mind, totally willing to forgive n forget and it would surely take lot of time and patience...which are lacking in both of you as you both feel its high time.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  10. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Tridev,

    Are you trying to resolve this situation because you want closure? Why the hurry?

    As I mentioned before, both of you need time away from each other to introspect and reflect on a future course.

    Take a year and spend time with your mom and daughter. Interact minimally with your wife and meet with your son on a weekly basis. Do not try to convince her for the time period. Once you have the issues with settling down in India, schooling etc figured out think about it.

    Sometimes people need time apart to reflect on their priorities and compromises.

    Update: I have seen the temporary seperation go both ways amongst friends and relatives. However it is still better than hurrying into the divorce.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010

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