Divorce imminent

I agree Tridev ,that you know best. All we can do is , post whatever options we have in our mind.

Well, I feel bad to say this but now there seems to be only one problem - you both don't have any emotions for each other. Whatever the reasons might be, you have moved apart emotionally. Now, the only solution seems to be a separation/divorce.

 

Tridev

You are an adult and you know what you are doing and you know what you want. So cant your wife choose what she wants??? you want to be with your mom and DD and she doesnt want it. Thats it. So accept that and move on.

Why trash her around so much? inspite of she making everything easier for you. Sometimes I too doubt, what is this total obsession of yours about? if she says YES you think she is manipulating, if she says NO you think she would put up a hard battle..Seems like nothing is going to make you happy, UNLESS SHE ACTS AS PER what you want!! This is what I could gather from all your posts here.

I wanted to say this initially..but was resisting saying it, If a man chooses his mom over his wife, you know very well whom you want to live with. and the message you sent to your wife is enough for her to make her decision.

We all know it would be painful, but if it was going this long and you went to India being prepared for a battle and now you know there is no battle, still you are upset that she is not making things easier..Please give her a break!!! stop talking about what her parents have to do or her siblings have to do. You CHOSE your mom and adopted daugther. WELL & FINE. BE happy with your decision and move on. Just like the way your mom /friends are supporting you, her parents and siblings are supporting her moreover doesnt matter whether they support her or not, finally she knows what she wants..thats what matters.Just like the way you have your reasons and for everything and anything you came up with a reason..am sure she too has her own reasons but she doesnt want to spend time going over them as she knows who your priorities are ..and this is going to be a never ending fight. so having accepted that might be she is taking this step.

Also you kept on talking about what the docs, lawyers or neighbours, friends are saying about her. Really care a damn about all those people as finally when your son grows up and you give him the same reason that you were separated because of all these external factors...prepare for the reaction good/bad you might get.

On the other hand, if you feel you are separating for no good reason..then put a hold on the decision. but if you think it is going no where, then move on. how many ever times you trash her, or her parents or her siblings or anyone else it wouldnt matter. Can anyone change your decision about your mom or daughter?? NO. Also even if you change your decision, now it would seem more like accepting someones demands and you would resent it through out your life. So dont even do that. Know what you want! and stick to it. and pls give respect to others decision also.Dont keep saying that your wife is makingyou do all this. There is no point in fault finding or blame game anymore. You are free now , you can do what you want, so be happy with your mom and daughter.
Also even if she changes or willing to change at this juncture, its too difficult for her to accept that you chose your mom over her, or for you to see any changes in your wife, as already your mind and heart harbored so much of pain and anger. When your mind and heart are masked, how can you see change in others? so I guess she made the right decision too..i.e to move on.

 

What are you supposeed to make out from her silence.. Or that she doesn't know what are her resentments against you.. enough is enough.. This itself tells that she is not willing to even take a step further to save the marriage.. Hurting her own children and abusing them is being very rude on her part.. Such people seldom realize the amount of damage they do to their own children.. For them their needs are ahead of anyone else's needs.. They dont care of what others go through..

What the heck is her problem with your daughter.. If at all she would have so many problems with your daughter, they why did she have to nod when adopting..

Regarding your mother, she can cut off her ties with your mother, but she cannot force you to cut off your ties with your mother..

On the other hand, if you dig the past, all you can remember is how unhealthy and abusive the atmosphere at home was.. Even if you agree to her terms and jeopardize your daughter's life, will she then be happy with you.. No, she'll have something else to make you walk on thorns.. I always would want to keep divorce as a last resort, but in your case i hardly see any ray of hope..

Trust me, after you leave such people, life will be far better.. You'll breathe a new lease of life.. Right now you might feel emotionally drained out, but you never know what destiny has in store, new horizons might open up once you put an end to the rotten relationship..

 

Tridev, I agree with Sri. Everyone has a right to chose what they want for themselves. Your wife doesn't want to live with your DD and mom. Whether her wants are selfish, mean, right, wrong... it doesn't matter. She is entitled to want that for herself, just as you are entitled to want to live with your mom and DD. Basically, you both want different things. Which... is fine! That is why marriages don't always left a life time! Sometimes people grow apart and start wanting different things.

I think a big part of the problem is also what Neha has said. The love seems to be gone. See, when there is love, often times the love makes compromising and adjusting with each other easier. Had you both still been emotionally connected, perhaps you or her would have come to an agreement on what to do with DD and mom. But... it is just not there! And that is why things have reached a standstill.

I think it's pretty clear neither of you will budge on the DD and mom issue. And the thing is, even if your DD and mom ceased to exist on this earth... would the both of you ever be able to love each other again and coexist after all this heartache? I think even more than DD and mom, the main issue between you and her is that you have grown far apart and can't find your way back again.

So like Sri said, if both of you have decided that you can't see eye to eye on issues.... MOVE ON. And if you feel there is still some hope and you want to stay married... WAIT. Those are the only two options, so no sense in getting caught up in what he said/she said or past events. I think you need to talk to her again, without her family around, just one on one and sort this out once and for all.

 

Tridev

Even if you want to wait, i would suggest live like a separated couple. Both of you has to know what does separation mean. Live like singles managing your own things, sharing the custodyof the kid as per what you both agree but have minimal contact. Might be slowly you both would know whats important in life. Sometimes after you grow apart and totally cut off somepeople look back and think ohh, i would have done this..so even if thereis a chance of changes in both of you, being together wont bring in those changes. Dont meet. Dont talk. Live your life for couple of years...UNLESS YOU ARE planning to get remarried again. then the whole scene changes. If not, then hold on to it, wait for couple of years and the message is not about waiting will bring change in her. Message is aobut to see if there would be change of situations/hearts. Even after couple of years if the same situation prevails and all you can talk about your wife is by digging the past, you know your marriage is to be doomed. Then go ahead with the process. Am sure you wont feel guilty at that time. and there would be less blame game and digging past at that time.

 

Really. He did not CHOOSE. No body chooses between a wife/mother. A mother cannot do what a wife can and a wife cannot do what a mother can. Every role is different. A man cannot love his mother the way he loves his wife, and similarly cannot love wife the same way he loves his mother. Same fact goes with the female counterpart. Please do not say that Tridev made his choice and hence his wife has no option. His wife needs to understand the above concept.

Its just not her that needs a break. I feel both of them need a break from everybody. He needs to chuck what her bro/family or his family says and drag her out to a distant place and spend some time. She might resist but eventually when no body is around and atmosphere is diff , i think any person would come around to speak their inner hearts. He is in India, he can make use of this oppurtunity going to a calm place (hill sttn). She might resits taking into consideration the events for the past 1.5 yrs, but she will like this change in atmosphere pleasantly for sure, she just not know the taste of it, hence i said 'drag' her, so please not say i am insensitive towords her feelings.

From what I read here of Tridev here, he is very accomodating.

Ones highlighted in blue are very true.

 

Perfect thing to do. Very well said.

 

Tridev, if you want to spend time alone with her, stop making EXCUSES and do it already! Seriously, you need to carve out some time to sort this stuff out. Not sure what you are waiting for....