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Divorce imminent

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Tridev, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for replying to my post Tridev.
    By wanting a separation you hurt your DW ,obviously it would lead to a divorce which she did not want but you insisted.
    During her stay apart from you she has made up her mind to a divorce and now you dont know what to do. You too have done a lot of groundwork for the divorce , now whats the problem ?
    You have been checkmated ! You wanted divorce, she didnt , now she agrees but you are having second thoughts.
    I think her cool attitude is giving you jitters as the deed is going to be done. You thought that she would weep and come crawling back to you , instead she has accepted the divorce and maybe moved on. She seems fed up with you, your DD and mom. Your ILS too seem to be sick of your problems and want closure.
    I think you have burnt your boats my friend . There could be some other reason which you are not revealing .
    Or you are waiting for her to initiate the divorce for obvious reasons.
     
  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Tridev,
    lemme answer the above where you were left dubfolded, you're thinking like a typical Indian man who feels a woman looses everything if she refuses to go as per the male tunes... yes this is your outlook and many more men like you... however the reality is...
    Your mom has not eaten Sanjivani buti, Your daughter has not decided to take up brahmacharya and you will get old too.

    Your wife will get old as well and has moved to India and its in best interest for her to separate now since she'll get the son's custody, she'll have son's company for a bigger time.. till he turns into teen and gets married and since he's your son he'll stick to his mom in thick and thin and divorce his wife if she cant get along with his mom.
    Even if you re-marry there's a little sureity if the next wife will get along with your mom.. however she doesn't need to cos she's got your clone in your son.

    I hope you have a clarity who shall be the looser........
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    It is beyond my means to explain my situation... If I had used it as a weapon why would I tell her we can try to put DD in hostel but at least I have to take care of mom.. She is old and if I just keep bending down for what my wife wants then where is the end? what is that she is giving in the relatonship then?

    You are right I wanted divorce she resisted, but if she did not want divorce she would have made a attempt when we met along with her family members to show that she wants to live and want to sort issues. what good is that one resist divorce but does not work on marriage? May be she wants to live seperate for some time but will things improve on their own? She is not open to any ideas? She does not propose anything in terms of better ment of married life ever ...

    It was not a weapon but I was so pissed that I surely felt I want to get rid of those tensions. I have lived past few months with stress and so called traumatic problems after tensions... It is not easy....to describe..

    However I do agree that divorce was not to be used or said unless one is sure of.. I was not sure what else is the solution either....I am not negating your view as many men do that , I was also instigated by a friend to file divorce and that it will be actually a weapon in US and she will becomg straight or you will lose her anyways and that will be good only. I did not do that, I did not file divorce...In my mind I was 100% wanting divorce , I was very sure.. I am sure even now to great extent that our relationship is not going to work. It is not working and what good is a partner who will just push me to act in certain way and then wait and say yes rather than trying to pacify or even console to the extent required.

    The emotional bonding is absolutely not there.. I cannot describe or narrate what I have gone through.. But when I was thinking of divorce or even today when I think I dont regard it as a weapon because by force I will never want someone to stay with me, it is only by mutual respect and love...I gave her enough opportunities in last 5 months but got a zero satisfaction out of the replies and reactions..

    Bhuv what are duties of a husband ? She was with me for so long and without fulfilling those duties a lady like my wife will be ok? but she will have her own complaints as a human being or a spouse. we all have. No one is perfect. ....

     
  4. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    To me it looks like there are some underlying issues concerning your mom and/or DD for which your wife has been hurt in the past. I don't remember your previous posts. I"ll write whatever I think based on this thread only.

    I think that your wife is not able to forgive something and probably you are now saying that you want to be with them(all of you together) and she is not able to accept this. She is not even the manipulative types nor is she doing anything for money etc(from your posts it appears so).

    I agree with Beeamma, that she is a little innocent types. Is it possible for you to make some arrangement for your mother till you can settle down things with your wife? I agree that we are responsible for our parents in their old age but spouse issues need to be addressed too,isn'it? You don't need to give in to her Tridev by keeping ur mom separate forever. Just talk to her and find out what is it that is exactly bothering her. It appears that you both don't even know the issue and there is lack of understanding.

    Why don't you try telling your wife that you are ready to live together with her? Take the step from your end. Plan everything in your mind like where you will stay,how long you will give the relationship in that stay etc and tell her. Can't you initiate it? She may be scared to initiate things from her end. Give it one last try friend.

    I completely agree with Shilpama too,your wife seems hurt as well. She is so hurt that she does not even want to fight the battle of divorce.You seem to be wanting to fight the battle just for your son. IS it possible for both of you to think back and see if you really have fulfilled each others' needs rather than going ahead with the divorce now?

    Was your wife consulted before adopting your DD? She may have signed on papers and done all other fomalities but was she really interested? May be , that resentment is showing now in her...
    To me it looks like you just want to end the relationship and take custody of your son.

    Good Luck
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Great Analysis, Let me tell you I had read on IL that a lady wrote , I cannot pull that message, that she was so head strong and so stubborn that when she changed she got all that was there but she could not see and if she was not changing she would have lost her family life. If my wife feels she is not losing anything then she better not be my wife, because if one cannot cherish what one has what will one lose ever???

    There are many men who abuse their wives, dont give money, so much problems with in laws from all side. But when one does not get them, one creates own problems....

    Are you in bad mood today??? please see what you are writing .....

     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  6. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    tridev, have you tried marriage counseling together with your wife? The underlying issues might surface there easier in a neutral surrounding.... Maybe counseling while you are in India now could be the last resort and it would be better than in the USA, because the Indian counselor might understand you both better than a westerner. If that does not work/help, than my friend, you know what to do...
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Neha, it is not that only she is hurt. She has hurt others so much that I cannot describe. It is not a one way street... She has abused everyone verbally, and DD physically too left and right.. Who is seeing all this..

    Anyway I cannot reply each and everyones doubt because it is very tough to keep bringing some details... Dont go by assumption. I for know the facts...

    For a second forget DD And mother. our problems multipllied when we had our son .. the way she used to treat , hit the child and talk, that became a problem too in our life.. even if no one was around, there is no surety my life with her would be easy and smooth.
     
  8. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    I proposed that to her brother and he said he will talk to her. What happened I dont know. I have very less faith that counseling will work unless both are wanting help. She is going for therepy and when I asked can I meet the doc, she said the doc does not want to meet you, only when problems are resolved she can meet. Now how are the problems going to be resolved. It is very tough... Initially she was giving me some options that is in Feb that I am seeing a therepist and all and I am working on stuff like Anger and all. But as I could not digest easily how she treated, how she left US and all. I was not able to calm down, no one will be able to calm down.. given what happened.. But anyway thanks for your suggestion...

     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    Sorry to hear that your marriage has ended up in such a mess.. Overall, what i can gather from your posts is that you and your wife are sick of each other.. There is no love, no affection, nothing at all left in the marriage..

    Your wife has some deep resentment inside against you/your mom.. She seems to be a very stubborn person.. Very similar to my own mother.. My mother is very stubborn strong independent lady.. If you have got to live with such people, then you have live on her terms.. Only then peace will prevail.. Else, you'll go through what you are going through now.. I think your marriage is damaged beyond repair..

    Tridev, instead of talking for hours to her parents or brother.. I suggest on doing the following..
    1. Dont keep saying divorce divorce every now and then.. As it might trigger even more anger and resentment against you..
    2. Ask her what is it that she wants.. Could she make a list of her complaints/resentments against you..
    3. Your resentments/complaints against her..
    4. Where is your DD and mom now?.. As how long is it that you mom is widowed and how is she living since then..
    5. Could you both tell how much priority do you both give each other.. on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being least and 10 being the max..

    If you can answer the above question, may be we'll gain more clarity into the root causes of the issues between you both.. Because from the posts, all we can know is there are issues, but we donot know what triggered these issues..
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  10. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev, from what I could gather from your postings - you have had several issues with your wife big and small, but the main issue on which you base your divorce is that your wife is not accepting your mother and DD to be living with you. Had this issue been not there, you still think that you may both have a chance living together.

    This is where, I really don't see a problem with what your wife is asking. First of all, your mother and adopted DD are what you brought from your side into your marriage. You cannot force them upon your wife if she doesn't agree to living with them. She is not wrong in there. However, I agree, on your position too that you have responsibility towards your mother and DD, that necessarily doesn't mean you need to keep them with you. What is the problem in having your DD stay with your mother in India? Is your mother too old that she needs someone to attend on to her? Don't take this as an ego issue, and just try to think from her perspective too.

    Anyway, if this is something that is not all acceptable to you, I would say sure go about with your divorce. But from your wifes perspective she is not wrong in desiring to live separately.
     

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