Divorce imminent

Dear Tridev


I only recently joined IL and count not read all your thread and posts yet ;-) but still wanted to stop by and wish you all the best for your future.

You truly have a remarkable DD and it is very sad that she has to experience all this. I think that you wife is a very egocentric person, she is scared and anti anyone who comes near her trusted family, be it you or your son. She does not have the capability to share you, be it with your DD or your mom. Anyone coming near you is a threat to her. She might be good at heart, but she is not open-hearted and too selfish.

I honestly feel that if she could have embraced your DD and Mom, you guys would not be talking about divorce. If she only would have adjusted a bit and seen the situation (adoption of your daughter) in another light, she would not be at the brink of losing it all.

I think you cannot change her, if she is so adamant and does not want to be changed. Also sending DD to the hostel is not a solution. That poor soul has already endured so much, it will only imply to her more that she is alone and that no one actually cares for her. I don’t think that was the reason why you adopted her, did you?


It seems like sometimes giving up on a person might save another person. I don’t know how I would react if I were in your wives shoes, but leaving a helpless child and an old mother on her own are surely not the family values I would want to live by or want teach my child.

It is very sad, that your marriage has taken this turn. You really did A LOT, but it was in the hands of your wife to change or not. Nothing you could have done, she also has the responsibility where your lives were and are heading. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I wish you all the strength in the world to come out of this a stronger man.

tc

 

Hi Tridev...I have a question to ask? About your adopted child, why did you adopt her at all? Wasnt your wife involved in the decision making? Was she adopted before your marriage? I am not able to understand, pls clarify.

 

Tridev, is it possible for you to ask your wife to login and bare her side of story on IL?
You're so torned even when she's agreed to separate.

A guy seldom understands the amount of damage a bad mother can do via long distance or together...... there's much more into it that you're writing, she's equally tired.... in all these years you still couldn't set your priority on who shall be #1 in your marriage.

All you're feeling sorry is about loosing your son or probably the need of your son, your wife is not a superbly manipulative types and is probably tired herself, there had been posts where grandmas silently poisened granddaughters against their own mothers resulting into too much of bitterness in house.

Frankly speaking your wife doesn't appear on your priority list ever, also she's not insane or putting down any harsh rules, there are many ladies on this forum who have simply kept their inlaws aside or are not able to forgive them... you're a dutiful son as well and she cant fight anymore.

Yes when things go wrong we start associating everything that from the begining something was wrong with the fellow... maybe she wants a peaceful life with 3 of you minus all politics, like many others, its all upto you whether you can give it or no... a lot of men feel if I agree for X she wont stop at it and will ask for Y, when they love their wife they say.. so what if she asks Y I'll prepare for Z..... she lacked sweet talkings and manipulating you and hence lost brownies on you.. but just look back if you really loved her like a Husband or a typical Indian man who's doing things.. minimal requirements of a marriage.

 

Dear Tridev


we have different relationships, different kinds of love and different responsibilities in life, don't we?
Your situation is especially hard because three very different relationships, loves and responsibilites (lets call it RLR for short ;-) ) are affected:

1. RLR towards your wife
2. RLR towards your daughter and son
3. RLR towards your mother

Asking to remove any relationship would that be not like cutting away a limp. And if cutting away a limp is the only way to stop spreading the cancer, which limp would you cut? Which limp is actually the cancer?
I personally would be very angry if one limp would ask me to cut another limp for my bond to it to survive (sorry if I am speaking so figuratively, hope you understand, what I mean).

I don't want to dis your wife, and I am the last one to support Mama's boys, but is your LRL towards her really stronger, holier and more scacred than towards the others? Is fighting for that relationship justified more than fighting for justice towards your mother and daughter. Idealogically, what makes us a better human being? It is very easy to say, remove mother and daughter and your problems feel be removed, but is this really the solution?

I don't know how far you have accepted that there is no way out in this situation with your wife? You are losing too much energy fighting her and trying to make her understand. Truth seems to be, that she does not want to bulge in this situation. If she is so adamant, why are you still hanging on? Let her go and go on with life. Unfortunately she is the one at loss, but it is her own doing. it is understandable, that you are not happy now, but your happiness and the happiness of the rest of the family lies in your hands.

 

Tridev, I would agree with Shilpama.There is more story inside this and her side of story is equally important as to me it looks like both of you do not want divorce but have lost all respect/love/affection the entire "marriage" thing itself.

She says she will sign off all the property and she does not need anything from you which means she is deeply hurt by something.She just wants to give up everything.There is no chemistry left now.

You had initiated the divorce.She resisted.But you were stubborn.So by now she would have learnt to accept that "okay , we are going to get divorced.He is giving me up for his DD and mother".She might have practised the same to accept the divorce and by now she is okay to go ahead with a divorce.But now you do not want a divorce.

Tridev, tell something honestly.Did you use "divorce" as a weapon against her to accept your DD and mom?Believe me ,it is not a good weapon.Look at this as a third person.A hubby initiating a divorce and wife resisting but still he goes ahead.She is left with no option but to convince herself that "yes this is going to happen and he is a stranget to me from now on".Also how can she be sure that you will not use this weapon again.

Adopting a child is a great thing which you have done.But did you fulfill your duty as a husband too?

 

You may be right... and the chars you feel for your wife are typical chars of a person in hostile situation & the stage your relationship is in, however anonymous discussion have helped a lot.

Tridev from your post to me and Bee Bee, I gather that you're a balanced person however your wife is not easily forgiving... and more so cos she must be feeling cornored and tail being stepped on to.

Both of you differ exteremly on everything including parenting and yes when a parent scolds the child for a valid reason, the partner has to support and not simply pamper the child so that he/ she turns against the scolding parent. Also when one parent scolds the other feels pity... however in some households this is used as an oportunity to earn brownies as a result either the child is left over pampered or the marriage suffers. How strict a parent can go differs from their own concept of parenting.. whats right to one is wrong to another......... There are times when my husband screams on kids but I never counter act to his, but if I do something then he reacts big time.. and I've heard it from a lot of mothers.

You can only try a bit ahead... all the best. If you're convinced that your wife is utterly beyond repairs then put all energies to fight the battle and get your son which is all you want now or maybe in days to come.

 

Tridev, sorry to know that you are in this sort of situation. I think there is a conflict between biological child & adopted child. Do not know the logic of this sort of arrangement. since you are planning for a short stay in India , pl take a break and do take advice of your lawyer.In abroad to have a adopted child is way of life but in india it is not in full force. By your writing i can understand that she does not feel comfortable of you shifting to India.hence give yourself and your wife some 6 months time and i pray all will come to an end. nitya