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Divorce imminent

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Tridev, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    So friends as some of you know , I was about to come to India beginning July, so I came .. As I landed in India , I went to a hotel and not to our home as things were not clear where relations are heading... My wife did not call me before I started or even after landing in India, she knew my time table as I had emailed her and spoken to her too. When I messaged her 2-3 days later after coming, she called me and asked where I am , I said I am in hotel... she did not reply anything...

    Then I got calls from her mother, SIL and brother, her brother never spoke to me for 2.5 years, but he was nice on phone and I was also very nice with him. They kept pleading and asking me to come to their place and all. I was reluctant initially and then I gave in. I thought let us have a meeting and see where it goes. The meeting lasted for 2 hours in the night and the outcome was zero. Basically her brother said give yourself another 6 months of seperation and all. While driving us back to hotel her brother was having a talk and he did agree that my wife that is his sister has some issues and she has to understand and not be so stubborn...

    she basically says she cannot live with our DD and mother anymore. I said DD is there for some years and I can even put her in hostel. But now that my mother is widow and alone, where do I leave her? she needs company of us. Whatever happened it is not that she has created problems ... It is mix of all and you have to understand that we all have to change and adjust and show respect and love too in the home..

    She was refusing for seperation intially and telling me to go to court and get settled.. Today she told me she is willing for mutual seperation. I told her that if you can adjust and tell me what you want me to do other than saying that I dont want to live with DD and mother as a ultimatum we will work on that and give our marriage other chance. I said if you change a little you see you will have everything in life, v/s not having anything. To that she replied rudely that it is my look out what I have... I was dumbfolded. I kept asking her what is that we can do to make it work and she had no reply...

    She even said that you can keep the son from Mon to Fri or I can keep and he can be with other parent on weekend. She said custody of kid will be with her..I told her our son needs us both , he is young, he loves me so much and he wants both of us... Why dont you understand.. she was still not saying anything positive...

    I feel bad for my son because I love him so much. The gap which has come in my relationship with my wife, time can fill it probably if there are less episodes or tensions and some love and respect from both of us to each other...

    I asked her do you need more time. Do you need to think and see what we can do to make marriage workable , forget about what happened. She said in negative....

    Her body language, way of talking everything looked very difficult...to reconcile...

    Though I have suffered a lot and kids too and she too, still for goodness sake I thought let me try and see if I can save the marriage. But without her cooperation it is far fetched dream..

    I even asked her what she wants in terms of settlement , she said nothing, strike my name off any property, I dont want anything. I said that is making me feel guilty, she said you dont have to feel.


    I asked her have you spoken to your family, she said yes I have spoken to my parents...

    Should I call her elder brother and SIL to let them know that she came and said that she is ready for mutual seperation and did not even sound positive to give marriage another chance..?Is something I am contemplating before filing for divorce now..

    I asked her do you have a lawyer, she said no I dont need. She said you can talk to your lawyer what has to be done.. and she wont change her mind

    I was angry, hurt and lot of things happened. When I have mellowed down and given her some options still I dont see much difference... It was Feb 13th when we had a big fight in US and today is July 13th when again we are almost seperating...

    I am caught in this situation friends... What option I have now?

    Now I am going to move the petition as I dont see any hope in reviving this relationship...
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Tridev,

    I don't understand one thing.Why do you have to file for divorce?If she wanted ,she can file for divorce right.Why do you have to initiate it.
    I don't feel it's right for you to file for divorce.Just live like that atleast for a year or so and see.
    Are you planning to live in India or plannng to come back.Whatever may be the case,just leave as it is and don't take any action for right now and see what happens.This lady got relly hurt some where and it's very difficult to men understand women feelings and women understand men feelings.
    If she has any plans to get married then ask her to apply for divorce.If not then you finish your responsabilities then down the road after 4-5 years may be you will have chance to reconsile.Time can do wonders.But don't rush please.Stay calm and positive.
    I know there are some stubborn women out there but I never experienced with one.So I can't say your wife is at full wrong.May be she feels you don't love her any more and her existance is important to you just because of your son.
    So leave as it way and say that you wait for her and see you will change any mind.That way women can mellow down ,but not by filing divorce immediatly.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2010
  3. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    Hope you are in good health.

    You are trying to negotiate and she is so adamant. Well, the marriage can only work if two of you come together and make it work, not just one of you are willing to adjust. The reasons she wants to separate from you do not seem reasonable. I am sorry to say this, but I think she is very headstrong and she wants you to choose her over dd and your mom. Just can't imagine how can she expect you to abandon a child. Very heartless.
    Well, I do not see she is leaving you with no other option except for mutual separation and divorce, if you do not go her way. You can negotiate if it's a reasonable offer. From what I read from your post and the previous ones, even if you agree to the offer, both of you would just live under one roof on your wives terms. It's not a healthy relationship and it's not good for your son too.
    You may want to try for mutual separation for a while and see the outcome. Since the family is involved now, it's good to keep the poeple updated about the happenings and yes, you may want to talk to her elder brother. Hopefully he might put some sense into her head.

    Please gain your strength and faith on God at this period of time and live in hope. I will pray for you.
     
  4. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Archana for your comments and advice. This indeed is a delicate moment for me in my life...
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Priya it was me who wanted seperation in first place, as I was angry, hurt, upset and what not. Not even once I got solace in these 5-6 months of temporary seperation from her side and even when I met along with her family, not even once her parents said one statement that was constructive. Only her brother and SIL kept saying positive statements and her SIL asking me if she changes then can you live with her? I said to her that can my wife say the same thing? This statement you are saying but she is not saying anything like that, she has not said anything positive ...

    God knows waht happened to my wife and how she changed so sudden that she wants mutual seperation.In first place she did not want seperation and was adamanant but she was not constructive to the point that can give me some assurance. She though said she is going for therepy and all but I did not see a iota of difference in attitude or any other aspect... I am not saying she is totally bad or wrong, there is no one in this world like that probably. But to work in relationship we have to have lot of patience, and at least some humble ness esp in disagreements.

    I am not sure where this is leading and what will the message go if I dont file for divorce now when she is ready....for mutual. I was contemplating to file even otherwise. I all this mess if she would have just give me some ray of hope I would have understood. When she came today evening I even asked her lets go for a stroll and talk, she refused, she stood besides a wall in the complex, without doing eye contact, just said reluctantly what she had decided about seperation
     
  6. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    Hi Tridev,
    I was going throught your thread and couldnt stop myself from writing. im not very good at advicing but i just experienced that roller coaster ride where it went to the extreme and i almost thought we were on the brink of divorce.Literally i cried everyday and it was an emotional struggle. but then everything suddenly changed and from negative comments to slowly encouraging talks came out and then sunshine started peeping into our relationship and we got calmer and softer and now we are together again.
    what im trying to say is the way it tends to sometimes.As a women myself i felt completely drained, confused, tired and hundred thoughts and then thinking why my hubby cannot understand these small things. It is very hard for a women to digest the fact that her husband is going against her. please give some more time because time really heals a lot. just be patient. probably your wife is also confused and hurt and not able to express properly what she really wants. she must have been just tired of the whole thing and just mentioned mutual separation but thats not what she really wants. if you try to understand from her perspective it becomes crystal clear. please dont do anything in haste. leave it to time. dont let ego prevail over you. sorry if i hurt you but try to think as the once loving and dear hubby you were to her.please keep the kids in mind. im not trying to say you adjust to everything but giving some time might help.
     
  7. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Tridev , what does your mom and adopted DD have to say about the entire episode ?
    Earlier you had written that DD was taking admission in some college in India.
    You wanted a separation so you got it , DW hardly seems to be the clinging weeping types , she gave you what you wanted.
    The ball is in your court. Why are you bothered about her lawyer ? Have you found one for yourself ?
    Remember a divorce is hardly a happy joint activity and both the parties play safe.
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    So sorry to hear that it has come to this. :frown:

    But I looked back into your older threads and saw you have posted here with marital problems since early 2009! So, this intense fighting has been going on for over a year and a half! You have also tried trial seperation and counselling, talking with her, talking with family, etc. Basically, you have tried A LOT. At some point you would realize this can't go on forever. If you feel really fed up with this marriage and think life will be better without her, then I think you should follow your gut instinct and file for divorce.

    You can only do so much. To save a marriage, both people have to be interested. Seems your wife is least bothered and has thrown in the towel long ago.... if that's true, this marriage is finished. It takes TWO to make/save a marriage, ONE to break it. And although 'divorce' is the official end to a marriage, it seems that often times with divorce, the real death of the marriage happened long before the papers were even filed. That is what I see with you. You're technically 'married' but haven't had a genuine marriage in many years. Lot of times we believe 'fighting' is the honorable thing.... fight the cancer, fight depression, fight for your marriage, fight for your rights... but just as you must know when to fight, I feel one must equally know when it's time to gracefully 'let go'. Best of luck finding where you stand in that equation. Hope everything works out for you and the kids.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Very well said!:thumbsup
    Tridev
    Everything was planned by you even before you went to India.You knew what you wanted to do and you actually were worried what problems your wife would create for you during this separation etc..etc..now that she is OK with it and wants you to file for separation, why again another kind of worry??

    Please Know what are your expectations and plans. Stick to them and move on.

    Reg. your kids custody, I guess you have to take the lawyers opinion. Unless the kid is of certain age, i.e above 6 yrs old or so, custody wont be given totally to the father I suppose as per Indian law. Better to check with family lawyer there. Inspite of all this, I do appreciate your wife not creating any problem and she saying ok for mutual separation and also willing to co-parent. (remember she did suggest about how you both can take care of the kid during week days and weekend.)

    I guess its all on you now, how you would make mountain of a mole hill or how you would just flow easily with the things. As things are really happening the way you wanted. So dont over analyze. Let it flow.Also now that she gave you a green signal and you are getting what you wanted, please STOP analyzing your wifes behaviour or what would have been nice/not nice. Be happy and content that there wont be any road blocks atleast in the process of separation.Dont manifest your worries into another custody battle here. Hope and be happy that all is well and thank your wife for making it easy and move on. No point in bickering, worrying, thinking about the past etc

    PS: If you were the one who actually wanted a divorce/separation as you didnt see any improvement in your marriage situation, You are supposed to be the one initiating the separation process too.Finally Divorce was your though, your idea and your decision isnt it?
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
  10. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Tridev,

    Sorry to hear of your situation. Couple of things in your post
    1. Your wife has not made any property demands
    2. She does not even have a lawyer

    She comes across as a somewhat innocent in worldly matters not a malicious devious woman. She is not financially independent so she has quite a bit to loose security wise by stepping out of the marriage. She must be really unhappy to be willing to divorce.

    Here is what I would suggest, put your divorce decision on the back burner for a year. Get your adopted daughter settled (school wise). See if you can arrange for a nurse to care for your mother. Settled down in India.

    In the mean time also stay in touch with your wife and child. Once you have satisfactorily dealt with caring for your daughter and mother, you can revisit this issue. You are trying to resolve too many things at the same time and getting more worked up.

    Btw, is her only reason for divorce that she does not wish to care for your mom and daughter?
     

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