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Divorce After 18 Years ...

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by HappyJoy, Sep 17, 2016.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I hope so too....@madras2018
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op , what ever your faults, doesn't give anyone a right to demean or hit you. Some women are not meant to be domestic people. Like me for eg, I am more invested in my career than home. I cook maybe once in a Blue moon, my husband loves to cook and he is the one running the kitchen. Cleaning I outsource or my husband does it. Basically traditional gender roles are not followed and most people like our families would find this strange and probably think of me being selfish. But this is me being me and i would not have it any other way. Your problem is that you are not domestic and your husband can't accept that. You need a lot of counselling to reach middle ground.

    Now regarding kids, I don't think you were in any way ready to be a mother. At 20, you are barely out of your teens, you don't know yourself well. And with your professional aspirations to boot it was completely wrong timing.also I don't see you as being very maternal . But bottom line , you brought your kids into this world . Two human beings whose future depends on how you bring them up. Please do damage control and put them first. If these two mess up in their life, it's on your head, no one else's.

    I believe that you have the right to live life the way you want but when you have kids and by your own choice, it's high time to grow up and stop being self centred. Your husband is treating you as a junior partner because of your age difference maybe, stand up to him. You are both equals. If running for a marathon will make you a happier and hence better mom, be firm and communicate this to him. It's not a crime for a mother to want other things as well,
     
  3. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    OP/The poster, u did the right thing....i logged in after a long long time n had to reply to this ...Ur hubby treated himself as a God--used abused u n wanted full control over u..big deal if he funded ur education....n for birth control how dare he get angry over u for not popping pills,..doesn't he have some responsibility !..is abortion a joke..it can wreak havoc sometimes n sometimes cause permanent damage..
    n u as a 20 yr old, were fully a legal adult with ur brain fully developed when u entered into a marital relationship ....so don't give or take excuse that u were immature..no u were not but u were an ADULT !!
    ...n its ******** when people say 20 yr old doesn't know anything...pls, there is a reason that 18 + is the legal age for equal punishment/ rights as an adult in almost every country...18 + person wud get the same punishment in the court of law as any other adult because after 18, u r an adult..PERIOD !!

    N stop bothering or taking justification from others if u shud or not go for divorce.....if u have stopped loving that husband of urs for whatever reason, even if he was very lovey dovey - it should be the reason good enough for u for divorce..but here he was emotionally n physically abusive n treated u practically as a doormat...

    if he helped u in raising kids, he didn't do any favor to u..as a husband n dad, it was his responsibility !!..he is being sorry as finding another doormat isn't easy for desi men also these days !!

    as far as finding a loving partner, u can be ur best judge----some women can get another man even after being divorced with kids while some can't even if they have played all their cards right !!

    appreciate ur guts to move on rather than being a doormat !!...

    n remember, u get to live only once....live ur dreams --find a man who treats u as an equal rather than a doormat...its better to move on whenever one feels ready whether the indian society agrees or not because hey they won't be there for u in ur bad days or when things r rotting in ur life so be your own judge n find ur own happiness at whatever time u feel is right for u !!
     
  4. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Im a single mother of a girl kid, used to live in chennai/Bangalore .When you decide to walk out of a marriage, your life is your hands. You no longer have a co-captain, you’re driving alone. One of the first areas you have to assume responsibility for is your own well-being. You can’t outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. It was really scary taking on all of the responsibility myself. Yet it’s also empowering. Because what you own, you can change. It’s your life now.I realized that first few years after divorce was a time of significant personal growth, with greater independence and more personal choices. It is crucial to work to create a better life. Mourning for the loss of a relationship is healthy and normal. You must give yourself permission to feel grief, go through it, and emerge. Even if the marriage was badly flawed, you invested time and emotion in it and its loss is painful.

    In the beginning, divorce did sap my confidence. I was feeling defeated because i couldn’t hold my marriage together. And when i faced the marriage/ dating scene again, yet older and saggier than before, my self-doubt grew. But i did feel a sense of relief because my relationship was particularly stressful towards the end. If u are getting out of a marriage fraught with conflict or violence you will be happier in the long term, However , there could be a different kind of stress : The stresses of being in an unhappy marriage may simply be replaced by different worries, such as not being able to trust a man again, struggling to find a perfect partner or a fear of being rejected.

    Many of the feelings after a divorce are perfectly natural, as i experienced confusion and uncertainty about the future. Similarly, learning how these feelings may affect one's ability to connect with other family members, such as children, is important, as well was importaant. I think that the average divorced woman has less money than the average married woman and women don't completely recover from the financial consequences of divorce until re-marriage or focus on their career.

    Second-guessing was common, I felt a sense of guilt for the demise of the marriage. Did i work hard enough to save my marriage? Did i hasten its demise by something i did, or did not do? Have i scarred my children? These negative thoughts ate me and crippled my ability to respond to new situations, as my brain was forever dwelling on old issues. It's especially true as my kid was involved and i felt as though i was responsible for breaking up a family and causing emotional trauma.I felt saddened by the sudden loss of my marriage. My dreams for the future was wrapped up in marriage, and now that hope for the future appeared to be gone. Increased responsibility combined with the realization that the life yu envisioned no longer exists correlates with the fact i suffered from depression. I felt fearful of small, immediate issues and fearful of distant problems yet to arrive. Easily said, harder to do: I did try not to worry. Anger consumed me at the cost of clear thinking and wise choices for me and my children. I think my anger rose from my fears, and was work hard to conquer those fears.

    It makes us mature , leaves no room for overdependence on others and childhood fantasies and.Since i faced my fears and survived, i acquired strength. And whenever i come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, i built trust in your abilities. As the dust settled, i found an increased thankfulness for the friends who stepped up and stood by. Now i treasure every day where the smiles outnumber the tears. And i will retain that gratitude even as the pain fades because once as i have felt rock bottom, i appreciate everything that lifts me up. I was able to see past patterns now, that was less cloudeded by emotion and cluttering detail. That perspective gave me an insight to change my own behavior and to improve my future relationships.When i felt pain, i honored and respected that pain in others. The end of a marriage made more empathetic towards people facing any kind of loss. As i moved towards acceptance and forgiveness of my situation and my ex, i developed the ability to see more than one viewpoint and to consider the feelings of others. Divorce also wiped away the ego that demands that it’s shameful to ask for help.

    The journey of divorce was an arduous one, took much longer and with more setbacks than i imagined before i took that first step. It had many moments of false-hope when i thought that worst was behind me, only to find that i was snapped back yet again to the depths of hopelessness
     
  5. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Bronze IL'ite

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    I have been married for about 25 years & feel I can connect to what OP is going through. When there is emotional disconnect & no nourishment happening in the marriage, you are constantly questioning your marriage. What OP’s husband did was to achieve some goals, there was no effort done to connect to the girl he had married. Its more of a business deal than a marriage. All that support was to achieve something, not to make her happy hence all the feeling of dissatisfaction. Now that goal has been achieved, physical attraction has decreased, precious time to connect has been lost. When the foundation is weak, building will develop cracks or fall. Its upto you if you want to live with cracks. Most people choose that.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Logged in after some time.
    Can't believe some of the stuff I wrote here.
    Sorry for the harsh commentsOP.

    Your husband was as responsible for the repeated pregnancies as you or may be more given the kind of control he had over your life.

    Your husband was also a control freak who wanted a wife only in his mould .
    Whatever he did for you was for his benefit too. I am sure the whole family benefitted from your education and your job.

    He could have stopped supporting/ pushing you so much for studies when you had a child if he wanted a more involved mom from you. He could have concentrated on his job and become the primary bread winner and let you take care of job and family at your pace. He wanted it all and at his terms too.

    He had a certain expectation from you and did not accept failure. He probably over expects from the children too.

    An adult person who hits ,pulls by hair or spits on another person cannot be called a good person ever.

    I do agree that you should have protected yourself and your daughters from his abuse. You should have tried harder and earlier. May be you were not brave enough or did not have enough control over your own life.

    Hope you and your daughters are doing better.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2020
    Laks09 and Metamorphic like this.
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I hope OP has taken a decision on this marriage.

    Red flags-
    - physical abuse
    -Controlling
    -verbal abuse
    - emotional abuse
    - silent treatment for 4-6 months
    - not empathetic to her needs
    - consider her as his property
    - her contributions in household jobs or as mother are not appreciated.
    - she is not enough for him
    - consider her as someone who is there to support him and his needs ( he supported her to study and earn because he want it that way )
    - doormat treatment
    - abused his kids
    - he think he is always right
    - looks like a perfect gentleman outside home only
    - dont respect personal boundaries
    - so many other factors.

    I feel like its narcissistic traits...in this case running away from the problem is the only solution Or accept living in abusive loveless marriage. Emotional abuse is more painful than physical abuse. Its impact on health or mind is severe. Going through this for more than 16y...hmmmm..can't imagine.

    He is a good provider and had best intentions. But a person treating mother of kids this ways is not a good father or role model. But these kind of persons cannot be enlightened by counseling as the change will never come from them. Most of the time people don't walk away and end up broken or depressed. Appreciate that op had that courage and seeked help. A woman take a strong decision only when they are pushed beyond their tolerance limits. I dont understand why OP did not protect her or her kids. She failed in that department. She needs to heal herself and have an independent peaceful life. She has to wait till she is ready else attract similar kind of persons to her life. Hope she is doing well.

    @yellowmango , nice to see you here. Hope you are doing well.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2020
  8. Ashnith

    Ashnith New IL'ite

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    I am a new IL'ite and would want to start a new thread.. Can anyone let me know how?
     

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