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Divorce After 18 Years ...

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by HappyJoy, Sep 17, 2016.

  1. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    From what you have described, there is enough of problem with you to resolve by yourself. You being a woman, many IL members seem to be mild in response. The truth is, from your story, it is very clear that you are far away from being good wife to your husband and being a good mother to your children.

    You owe a lot to your husband for making you independent, and for caring the kids till now. What are your contributions, as a wife and as a mother, please ask yourself? Your husband is right in saying you are selfish.

    You say that you are only 38 and still young to attract other men, but I tell you, with your story you will never able to attract a man for committed relationship like marriage, take my word for this. Men are not such a stupids to commit for long term relationship with women like you, there is hardly any likable quality in what you have written about yourself, what he will get out of such relationship with you? Sorry for so harsh and blunt, I don't mind to be stoned by ladies here, but you should know the writings on the wall. Don't live in a imaginary world.

    Like few suggested here, go for counselling for yourself first, grow up as an adult, work on all the shortcomings, you have almost 100% chance to get your married life back-on track, with all the attention you need from your husband.

    About physical abuse, yes it is not acceptable, but in your case it is like trying to discipline an adamant and misbehaving kid. I would keep it aside for time being.
     
    joylokhi, anika987 and SGBV like this.
  2. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    HappyJoy,

    So you are separated since 2 years as you said in your previous post. Sorry to ask this, but what comes back to you the most? That is the thing you should face first. Physical abuse, especially over kids is a no. Will your kids be safe? You would take charge of the kids in your own way, that is what you need to explain to him and to the kids. In a marriage, both parties are equally responsible almost all the time. Like in your pregnancies and later decisions, even he could have been careful if he had a vision for your career and for your lives. You had no support system at that time, so you went with the plan. It doesn't mean only you(women) are responsible. Similarly with kids, there may be a clash with parenting styles.

    You would have done some good things for this relationship. Think them through to get some positive feeling.
    May be - may be - you can talk it out and try to see how things go. Make firm(and good) choices and let him know you wont compromise on the choices. That is where your self-respect begins.
     
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  3. Narhari

    Narhari Bronze IL'ite

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    This is what happens when pragmatic, businesslike man meets sloppy, dreamy, unrealistic child! Grow Up HappyJoy.
     
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  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    You are 38 now and you married at 20 years. So you married so early ...

    I have 12 years daughter and her emotional needs are so big.I used spend more time with my younger daughter before than my older daughter.Now I am giving lot of attention to my elder daughter because I figure she needs me at this point.My husband and me spend hours to help her with school work and we both constantly supporting to her to good grades.I am sure,our life will be like this until they get into college.This age they need to different level of support and one person can't do that job.I can't do that job without my husand support or he can't do without my support.We both need to work together to make kids into more successful.I don't know how we raised,with parents support or without parents support but in this country they only have parents and they don't have other relations and you need to stand by them and give your hand in every possible way.You are 38 and you already have 18 years old kid.Sometimes that's the problem where you don't grow up fully and you already have grown kids.So you are not really ready to support them fully.Since you have them ,the right thing to do is do your duty and responsabilites.
    If you ditch them at this point of there lifes ,you repent of rest of your life.There is no way you would get back your dream life.period.
     
  5. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    " Now I am financially strong and walking out of marriage".

    " I am making enough money and I need self respect too correct?"....



    Again and again you are only bringing money and giving it a reason to walk away.So,does it mean women who are not financially well off should endure torture??Also,other financially well off women can throw away their life?

    I second APS,priya,narhari

    Maybe get separated,stay away from him and kids.try to find another "dream guy"We bet you will end up in regret.
     
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  6. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Divorce is not the answer to your problems.

    Take a break from work and spend time with your two kids for atleast next couple of years.Your husband made you study,did all things to his kids which many dads are not doing and all he asks in return is you to take care of the kids-do that for him.Money and work can wait.Show your husband that you care for him and ready to do anything for him.His physical abuse will come to nill when you start taking care of kids.

    Even if you decide to separate,please leave the kids with their dad.With your priorities as money and job and promotions,i don't think you will do a good job in bringing them up.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  7. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op you married wrong guy.You should have married in India to a guy who has bit a parental attitude,who is financially well settled.Being in India you could have get all kinda of support from parents and in laws to raise children.
    Looking at your post you did not have capacity to take so many responsibilities.While this husband of you wanted some one strong enough who could be perfect career women plus good mother at the same the time.
    Now past is past.How much happy your children are with their dad?If he is abusing them let your children move in with you.
     
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  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, As much as I call myself a feminist, I can say you are a bad mother and wife. I don't support physical abuse. That is one negative in your husband. Except that he has given you chances time and again. Not to mention you have been very irresponsible in birth control and ruined your body considerably by repeated abortions.

    Instead of helping your daughter thru her teenage yrs , you had to prepare to run a marathon. Lady, I am surprised your hubby himself hasn't filed for divorce. Except the physical abuse part he is a great husband. What does a man do when he needs comfort of a wife and she is not there for him. You haven't been there for him for a very long time.You yourself wanted to race for a promotion and yet you accuse him of focusing on kids.

    He hit your daughter that's bad I agree with you on that.But where were you when he was abusing your kids.I bet your kids are lonely and need a mother figure badly. You still have a chance with them. Bond with them but taking them shopping and restaurants and extra curricular activities. You said your eldest is a teenager . Take her to a spa day. Get a makeover for her.

    You need a reality jolt.Your marriage still has life in it. Take less stressful job near your home. Concentrate on kids and your hubby. Become the woman of the house. Make everybody's fav dishes and have family dinners. Weekends go out and enjoy.

    Now suddenly it dawned on your to become a mother and think about kids and your future. First of all you need lot of catching up to do to become a mother . If you look into yourself and think you are good mother then go ahead and file for divorce. Otherwise you are only looking at making your kids without one reliable parent just becoz you suddenly feel you cant live with your hubby.Not a good idea at all.

    You need to be realistic. Unless you get married to an American or a foreigner there are chances you are looking at long line of endless possibilities but no positive results. Get some counselling and start by being a mother.Good Luck.
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel Ragini should have graced this thread.
     
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  10. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @yellowmango - Personally, i think we could go a bit easier on @HappyJoy until we know the rest of the details. I remember so many threads where posters hyperventilate based on first few posts by OP - but then OP comes back to add some crucial details that changes the whole story/ problem statement. Hence my allusion to the analogy of the 4 blind men and the elephant.

    Curiously, in this case the OP has herself painted, what seems like, a one-sided story, not quite balanced, almost completely leaving out her contributions to the marriage, which makes her an easy target to bash. I wonder why - is she subconsciously projecting her husband's side of the story out of some sort of guilt of divorcing ? Many divorcing spouses, esp the leaver, experience this & even blame themselves for screwing up the marriage.

    I have a hunch that there's more to this story than meets the eye - but we can only comment on facts presented. That said, we should expect that the reality could be very different from our extrapolations, assumptions or even OP's short summary so far.

    I'm hoping @HappyJoy will clarify / confirm / add details that will inject some much needed facts to make our responses worthwhile. (Or not - that's her prerogative.)
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016

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