Divorce After 18 Years ...

please for a sec think about his pressure also. u both need a break ...divorce,ext marriage all that can wait take time to cool off many it can take a couple of years.seriously ,one thing i strongly feel if u both decide to bring a human being to this world its both of responsibility to take care if them during their teenage times they need loads of emotional support .no execuse for that. but, at the same time iam 100% believer women dont need breaks from career except for few months maternity leave .other than that if she takes responsibility with partners help she definetly can manage for that u definitely need time management skills,proper delegation all that .yes ur husband is right u need work/life balance
Iam feminist.but in this case i feel he is pushed to the limits.......for gods sake ur family has lots of problem to sort so please dont drag ur father,mother ,brother their finances etc in ur life .they all can manage all r adults please u both take a break and soret it among yourselves giving mrg first priority everyones else (ur father,brothers) all their feelings and egos can WAIT.now just isolate and FOCUS to sort out ur issue.when ur content u can take cae of ur family well.if physical abuse is due to addiction or infidelity my take is entiely different ,but here it doesnt seem so .what if it was ur mother beating wont'try to understand her frustration?but this is NOT AN EXCUSE for him.IF he raises his hand raise ur volume ,look into his eyes and ask to stop sternly ,then make him sit down and try giving little love and understand him also

 

OP, you asked if you are doing the correct thing or not.

Here is my short answer - I don't think you are doing the right thing

Long answer - From the post where you cited your full story, it looks like he is a good guy. he has been very understanding, very supportive, of you and your career. He is a very responsible father. Sure he has some issues, rather disagreements with you, but that is EVERY marriage. Sleeping in different rooms is not that big a deal although it looks huge at the time. Yes spouses fight, sometimes both hang on to their ego and yea nobody wants to be the first one to bow down. Happens! Have you tried talking to him. May be give up on the ego, compromise on somethings that he wants, but is not that big a deal for you. Perhaps go to a counsellor and get professional help to get the communication flowing again. I have a feeling, more than anything, it is the boredom/familiarity/monotony/lack of spark in your 18 year long marriage, that is prompting you to take this step. Identify the real reason why you want this divorce.

Apart fro that, have you considered how your kids will be affected. College going or not, it is difficult for them to accept that their parents are not going to be together. And you are thinking about other guys - What do you expect? That the other guy will not have expectations from you? Or are you always going to see eye to eye with them? No matter whom you are with, you have to work on the relationship. Give up on the ego sometimes, sacrifice your wishes, hopes and dreams so your relationship thrives. He has done it. Now it is your turn. Think carefully before you take this step. See if both of you can reconcile. All the very best.

 

From your own narrative it looks like your husband has given you every means to become independent. He has supported your studies, taken care of the kids and everything else. You have not said much about your contribution to your relationship. Perhaps if you do get ahead and get a divorce, I hope you decide to let your kids stay with him. He seems to be a good provider and a good father. His physical abuse of you seems to come from being pushed beyond his limits of tolerance. I do not condone physical abuse by a man or a woman. However, from your own words, it does NOT look like your husband is the kind of person who is sadistic and abused you for his own pleasure.
It seems like, now, that you are finally financially stable and it is your time to give back to your kids and your husband, you want to pull out.
In my opinion, you will have an amazingly happy and satisfying marriage if you decide to give your 50% to the relationship. Hope you see how lucky you are to have a husband who has done so much for you and your kids and put aside your issues and work towards a good and happy future.

I wish you and your husband all the best. If you do decide to go ahead with the divorce, I hope you are able to find someone who will always be there to take care of you and I hope your husband finds someone who will be a more supportive spouse.
Good luck.

 

OP, Physical abuse is NO-NO. NO matter what. But sometimes you have to look at the full picture than just the blotch. Is he frequently abusive? Was it a one time thing that he lost control of his anger. I repeat - I am not saying what he did was right. I am just asking you to see the bigger picture.

You have said he accuses you of many things. Now tell us - Are those accusations true? Or are they just cr*p he is making up?

If they are true, you must take steps to set those right. I agree working full time and taking care of kids is a difficult job, but people do it. And you can too. Make some adjustments, Organize schedules, plan in advance and take over some of the chores he is doing. Relieve him of some responsibilities and he will calm down.

 

Just based on your narrative, I get the feeling that you became one of your husband's kids. Infact his first child. I am not seeing a partnership. It may be because to start with at 28 years old, he was very much a fully functional adult, living and working abroad and you played the role of a child-woman all of 20 years, stepping into a new country where you needed be taught a lot of new things at every step of the way. Such a relationship dynamic is not uncommon in couples with a significant age difference. 8 years can be significant especially in young couples. Not so much when a 32 y/o woman marries a 40 y/o man.

Not sure what came first though - did his playing your caretaker in a foreign country end up dwarfing your growth ? or was it that your intrinsic personality that stopped you from stepping up as an equal partner ? I think a bit of both. He overfunctioned as a partner - i.e he never stopped taking more than his share of responsibility - first it was you then the little kids. And it seems from your narrative, that you under-functioned as a partner, unable to step out from his shadows. And once some patterns get established early in life, it is very, very difficult to change them even though you have outgrown the need for a father-figure in your life, you are now a full adult and need a partner and not a father/parent/care-taker/guardian.

Sure you need a partner NOW. Bet your husband was crying for a partnership too all these years as he seems to have carried the heavier load in parenting. Your lament sounds like that of many men who say their wives are so fully focused on their kids that they feel neglected. They then seek attention outside their marriage & feel fully justified saying their wife's neglect caused them to do so. It's not that different in your case. In both situations however, the issues *may* have been stemmed early had the slacking spouse helped out with the house chores and been an equal, active partner in raising of the children. It's not that the child-focused husband or wife enjoys his role that much. It's just that they have no choice and after years of being an over-functioning parent, they just don't know how to stop unless there is concrete evidence that if they let go a bit, their partner would catch the slack and pitch in. But after years of being criticised for not being participative as a parent or spouse, and becoming entrenched in their respective roles, many husbands and in your case you, the wife, feel less motivated and even powerless to make that huge change.

I wonder if your outcome may have been different had you and your husband changed your relationship dynamic within the first 5 years of the relationship. And if you had graduated from being "taken care of" to becoming an equal partner in this marriage - how it might have played out ?

I've consciously not addressed the physical and emotional abuse. It ties in with my last point - which is that many a times IL users like myself responding to posts such as yours feel like the proverbial blind men, trying to feel their way and make sense of the elephant in front of them. In other words, there are so many unsaid dimensions to the problem, details missing, his vs her narratives that the rest of us could be completely wrong in our diagnosis.

Hence my repeated advice to you - you need a family counselor. And you need to stop worrying about finding your next husband because very, very likely you'll be subconsciously seeking a new father figure to replace the one you lost. You and your husband need objective, professional intervention to take stock of where you went wrong. What parts each of you played. And to really, really know if this is over for you individually. I hope at least in this last stage that you are able to step up as a mature, responsible, adult woman, an equal partner and do what's best for you, him and your family unit.

 

@HappyJoy

Hugs to you xx
I think you should go for counselling first before considering a divorce.

See it in three parts:
- Between you and your DH:
Your DH had a picture of how his life with a wife + kids should be after marriage. That could be the reason for him contributing to everything. He basically had everything planned for the both of you. When things don't go his way, he is getting abusive. Talk to him about counselling and communicate what you want to him. You said yourself he helped you with everything. Try and pay what he invested for your career. Treat it as an investment for your kids and your family. That way you also have contributed for the family, you cannot be labelled selfish anymore. Share some responsibilities with kids and tell him clearly that he cannot expect you to do what he wants you to at a particular time. You can do these when you are still with your roommates. Probably better to discuss these in front of a counsellor. Not in private space.

- Between you and your kids:
How is your relationship with your kids? Are you spending time with them even though they stay with the father? It is 50% your responsibility to explain to your kids about what is happening. Even if its counselling, you should share it with your kids. Let them see what you are doing for them. Show them you care and you are still with them even when you are living somewhere else.

- Just you:
18 years is a very long time to put up with abuse and humiliation. Just being financially stable will not solve your problem. The question you should be asking is how to mend yourself first. Not finding love in another marriage. You can find love from friends and children and from yourself too. Not necessarily it should come from another man. Talk to your parents and brother if they are still in the picture. Do what you like to do, something you haven't done for yourself. May be there is a hobby you would like to pickup again, get yourself into that. You need time just for yourself to clear your mind.

These are only some suggestions to get you started. You surely need an experienced professional to help you and your family. Hope it works out well for you!

 

From your posts it seems to me that he wanted to mould you to fit into his expectations. He didn't hesitate to physically and emotionally abuse you to get his goals.

From the outside like any smart abuser, he has made it seem that he has been perfect in helping you study and establish yourself in your career. All the while butchering away your self esteem.

Have you done the right thing seeking a divorce? Absolutely. Especially as a mum of two girls who have seen you be abused and have been abused themselves, it is essential that they see you walking away from this marriage as a stong person. What your husband thinks, says and feels is secondary to your well being at the moment.

I urge you to seek counselling because of your fractured self-esteem. The reason I feel you need to improve upon your self esteem is that you are seeking and wondering about the possibility of getting love from another man. With the right kind of therapy I hope you come to realise you are a strong woman who is complete by herself. You do not need anyone else until you have healed. It is absolutely time you pay attention to yourself and discover who you are.

And then there would a chance of you finding love. I don't blame you for seeking love after what you've endured. It is but natural and you, like any other human being, deserve it.

I wish you the best. Do find a counseller or therapist. Xx

 

Op...your husband raised you and your kids. He was more like a sometimes indulgent and sometimes strict father rather than a husband.
You felt ignored.....while he was too busy being a father to you and your daughters.

Some body had to take care of the kids.
You say he is rough with the kids and still you have left the kids with him for the last two years while you live with flat mates(based on your post). Do you not worry about how he is treating them.

He has taken care of all the responsibilities.You couldn't take care of even contraception. I find it very difficult to understand how people can have repeated unplanned pregnancies in this age and time.

Your husband's physical abuse is totally wrong.Again you refused to be the adult and stop it. You should have taken a stand that time. You should have been a stronger mother and stopped him from hitting your kids.

I think you both have been wrong here.Your husband is visibly wrong and he can even be punished by law for it.

You ,not so visibly...but you have.You escaped your responsibilities and your husband is right...you did use him because the only reason you are divorcing him now is because you are earning well enough now.

If the reason was abuse....you would have taken this step earlier and you would not have left your daughters with a rough father.You would have got child support benefits to raise them.

Op...if you are divorcing and he is keeping the kids...please convince him to go for anger management therapy. Your kids need him right now...but without that anger.

Best Wishes

 

Dear OP,

You have asked our opinion for a self introspection. Here goes mine.

After reading your original post and the detailed response, it seems your husband must have divorced you long back instead of fathering you and then abusing you to make up his marriage. You did not look like an adult or a responsible mother figure.

With whatever you have shared above, it is clear that you have failed miserably as a mom and wife at so many places. Specially with the teen daughter and the special need kid. In both the cases, your husband has taken extra steps and stretched himself from his father role to become a mom to the kids when and where they needed.
For this, he had to switch his career to work from home mode too.
This is indeed too much for a man to handle for a long time. Specially none of us are saints, so I don't think your husband could handle this mess with a sane and stable mind. He is no saint.
I am not justifying his physical or emotional abuse here. That is strictly a NO-NO to any marriage. Specially his abuses did not stop with you, it stretched to the little kids too. He must have divorced you instead of relieving his stress on you like this.

There should be clear work-life balance. Specially for the moms, who are not the primary bread-winners.
Even if you are a primary bread-winner, you must still concentrate on your kids at their growing age. It is your responsibility; so you can't dump it to someone else.
Although he is their father, he can't be a mom while the mom is being irresponsible like another teen kid in the house.
Cooking or feeding kids, taking care of home, taking care of the teen kid's emotional problems, and giving your best for the special need kid is a must. As a mom you shouldn't give reasons for this.

However, it is hard to change an adult. No one can teach you to be responsible for your own family and home.
If divorce is your better choice, go for it. It can definitely save your H and kids from so many crimes.

However, you won't be easily fitting to another marriage given your poor life style. Leave alone your age, and divorcee status.

Hope the kids will remain with their dad. Good for them.
If not, you must definitely think twice before separating. Because, if you can't spend time for them or take care of them while staying in this marriage, do you think it will be possible after divorcing without your H's help?
Specially for the special need's kid?
Don't take away her chances of recovery. She definitely needs special care. For now, her dad is somewhat providing her care. Do you have any plans to stretch for this kid?

Although abortion is a personal choice, I was shocked at your negligence and repeated abortions. Your H was still understanding and did so much support to you.
If I were him, I wouldn't have shown this much patience for my partner.