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Distributing Assets Equally Between Children

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Rihana, Apr 26, 2017.

  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @MNR i would say help him but when he is losing all the time in a busines means he is not able to manage a business or he is doing it wrong and i know of people who can't hold on to a business or job. he needs somebody to be a partner to manage the business. Need to sit with the person and talk without hurting his ego or confidence of alternative.

    I would say give a timeframe to achieve something.

    I always say that if you have someone to help even a broken nail hurts a lot. What i mean is that sometimes we maybe harming rhe sibling or child from trying hard because they are used to the backup and support they know they have.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You are right. We can't stop worrying about this when we do not know who would be the better halves of our dear children.
    This is not in our control. But we influence a lot during the formative years of our children's lives; thus we believe they will make right choices, or at least they will be in a better position to handle their spouses when they go wrong.

    In our case, both my H and SIL (in fact we were only engaged to be married, but not actually married) did not say a word of opinion when myself and my bro chose to let go of our shares to sister.
    I thought that they were right because it was none of their business then.
    Our spouses are the same even today (after several years of marriage) whenever we siblings chose to stand for each other either physically or financially. This obviously cost some discomfort to our immediate family though. But we are really happy that our spouses take things in a bigger picture.
    Our children see this, understand this, learn from this and I hope they will take this to their heart when their turn comes.

    This is exactly what my parents, specially dad would say when we were young. We grew up hearing this all the time since young.

    This is something I really can't believe. Because my circle is not too small. I have loads of exposure and I am not only talking about my immediate circle here.
    In fact, I know many successful siblings (colleagues, friends, neighbors, relatives) from different parts of the world, who gave up for the sake of their siblings.
    To be honest, I have seen misunderstanding and heartaches among siblings who are more or less doing the same. But when there is a clear disparity, only a very few greedy ones react badly. The others give up wholeheartedly. Even some do give from their pockets.
     
  3. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Rihana,
    The child in need should be given preference. Siblings would not object to it,
    generally. Exceptions may be there. Children who took care of parents also should be given preference. All this only after both the parents go away from this world. In case of big emergencies attitude should be different. Depends on the situation. All these vary from family to family. This is my general view.
    Syamala
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I guess this question is very different from @Rihana's OP

    Helping a sibling from your pocket after marriage is different from helping him indirectly by not demanding your shares of inheritance from parents. This way, you are letting him use your share of inheritance.
    This is probably a one off assistance.

    But if the sibling is always a looser, better help him have a FD or some fixed assets for his security, and allow him to use it only when he is in actual emergency. If not, this can be a safest retirement plan for him.
    If that sibling is good at heart, I would suggest him some alternate plans.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Many of those factors can happen at any time in life.

    Not all people lay bare their problems to siblings and parents. Many couples deal with EMA, infertility, intimacy related problems without sharing with close family.

    I stand by what I said, a seemingly happy couple can have hidden problems, or problems that they conquered with a superhuman effort and which changed them and their lives for ever. Parents might never come to know about these. So, if parents want to make child's marital life as a factor in asset distribution, then they might not have all information to consider.

    In another post you said if the well-to-do child wants his/her share and is not willing to give it up completely or partly to the needier one, it is greediness. I disagree. If the well-to-do child gives up share, it is praise-worthy. If not, so be it. I wouldn't call it greedy. The child can have many reasons for not giving up his/her share -- such as the needier sibling is laidback and let go many opportunities to better his/her lot.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Other sibling should not by himself/herself give up his/her share. Should stop enabling the good person.

    If parents want to give more to the always-a-loser, the other child should not insist on equal distribution and make parents' remaining years miserable. Often, the loser burns through the inheritance also quite fast.
     
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  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    The mind sees only what it wants to see. If all the anon visitors and lurkers were to open their hearts in this post without being afraid of being judged the sampling will differ.
    Maybe your world differs from mine and, and i am not going to argue. Time and again you have a way of putting others down and sometimes contradict your own posts @SGBV, that does not mean surprising or not acceptable. There is a world beyond the friend and your vast network and everyone in your circle is great. Happy for you.

    I remember many posts here where the dil's have cribbed complained, because the husband gives somethjng more to the sil or the bil (aka siblings) in these very forums and I do not want to pull out samples. They are in the age group panning out from mine to younger than you. So even a random sampling would have a different story.

    You are not in agreement with mine fine. Let us agree to disagree.
     
  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    There is a lot of gray area between hunky dory marriage and being a single parent. Same between a special needs child and a child who is a rock star at MIT. Most of our kids fall somewhere along the bell curve which is what makes it very complicated.
    Its not tactful..as much as its an acceptance of how little we really have control on many things in life and how very hard it is to come up with switch statements for each of these scenarios and propose equal not equal.
    May be but it could be more than money..it could be support in other forms...my time for instance. And if my child learns to put a $ tag on my time..then yes it would translate to money.
    U can worry as most of us will but no matter what unless the kids learn to look upon an inheritance as a gift and not a right(unless its ancestral) ..there will be some heart ache.
    Simple example
    Here is ur take
    IF child A settles in Alaska and child B in florida. Its too cold for me to spend my last years in Alaska so choose Florida and the caretaker becomes B by sheer virtue of location...would B be entitled to extra? After all A is bound to feel its not my fault I am in Alaska and I never refused to look after amma...she chooses to go to B and now wants to give him more :(
    U distribute equally B is gonna say..what the heck I made all these trips to the senior care living and A walks away with the same amount.
    In fact this is one area which will weigh heavily on me...I cannot and will not favor a child because I get some benefit out of him. Is it fair then to the child on whom I might be a burden.. I dont know . Only time will tell.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
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  9. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    The will of parents will be divided 2 type people.

    Siblings who care one another so much.

    If siblings care so much for one another, then when the parents are alive they all need to sit together and decide what to whom.All the property will be given only after both the parents death ( I always feel it is good parents safety and dignity )as @SGBV post no one has much problems in giving to one another..

    If siblings have any misunderstanding and differences to one another

    In this case however the will divided it is not going to be fair. There will be always some complaints and misunderstanding. In this case it should be divided equally between the kids . (again it is only after parents death) . In future the siblings can sell the property If its a house/flat/land and split equal amount. If its fd ,any bank amount they can split again. if one of the siblings don't want to sell the property he can buy from the other one giving equal amount.

    Other wise in the old age which child is taking care of the parent should get more amount.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    And that heartache is precisely what this thread is about. Kids will look upon as inheritance as a gift only and not as a right, but, when it comes to parent "gifting" unequally... and kid not in agreement with the reasoning...

    Anyway, intent of thread is to gather opinions on what all factors should parents consider when distributing assets. And so many thoughts are pouring in.
    That is like parents living in India with one child settled in India, and one child abroad. Obviously, parent prefers to live last years with child in India rather than abroad. I think in such cases, it is more than fair for the child in India to receive more. Often the house parent is living in, goes to this child.

    I don't know how this will work out for us.. but I hope when only one of us is left, he/she can live close to a child. Which child will depend on so many circumstances. But, having an old parent live with or nearby is a big responsibility, even if parent is financially sound. So, that child getting more is not unfair. Of course, as we learning from this thread, there are always so many other factors. Such as, does the child also get some benefit due to parent living nearby. Reliable babysitting and chauffeuring and just the experience of spending time with grandparent -- cannot put a price tag on these.
     
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