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Disorders in the Americans courts...........

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Arunarc, Jan 12, 2008.

  1. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
    people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
    by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
    were actually taking place.



    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ______________________________<WBR>__

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    ______________________________<WBR>_______

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ______________________________<WBR>_______

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    ______________________________<WBR>_______

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ______________________________<WBR>______

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ______________________________<WBR>__________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh...

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________<WBR>________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy on him!

    ______________________________<WBR>______________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh?

    ______________________________<WBR>______________



    And the best for last



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.
     
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  2. sakich

    sakich New IL'ite

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    Hey thanks for making my day. These are really funny ones.
    Thanks again
     

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