disliking inlaws.

Does your hubby like or dis like your parents?

 

I can understand what you are going thru...But from my experience, it's time to correct your thinking, dear! Sometimes we just can't forget what has happened in past... Must have happened to many of us. But, understand that by not letting it go, you are spoiling your present and also future. I completely understand your disgust or anger towards them, but few things you need to understand-
1. Probably anybody else in their place would have opposed your marriage, because of their son's age. It's not justifiable, but because they are not the only people doing this from their age group, you should give them benifit of doubt and think that- whatever they might have said or any of their actions, were not towards you. So, if they don't have anything personal against you, why hold the grudge? Even you or your parents might have done/said things sometime in your lives, which were not appropriate and you repent for that later.
2. Today your hubby understands and supports you...but, there is no guarantee that he will have same opinions 2 years from now... after all, blood is always thicker than water... So, do you want to spoil your present and future, especially when your in-laws aren't giving you any chance of doing that? When time comes, your hubby will feel his wife has ego problems and his 'poor' parents are victimised becaused of her hatred towards them... So, do you want to hurt your loved one?
3. What is more important to you- Anger towards the in-laws or love for DH?
4. Men say many things about future and then forget...at least now, you can agree with his desire to stay with parents... that 'sometime in future' may never come! ...so, cross the bridge when you come to that...Don't get tensed over something which may not happen at all ...
5. if you can have an honest conversation with your hubby, and express your desire to get out of this and tell him that this kind of feeling is not going to do any good to anyone in future (you, in-laws, ur children! )...
6. If possible, you may have an emotional conversation with ur mum-in-law too, but i know it's not always possible and your statements may be taken in a wrong sense...so, be careful, if at all you are planning to do that...
7. If still things don't work out...maintain the distance... anyway your hubby is supportive... even in worst case, it is not going to get worse ... ... So, u don't have anything to lose...

Weigh the things correctly, think what is more important in life... see to that, your hubby first builds the trust and confidence in you... everything else will be easy...there are certain things which you can't repair later ( like your hubby feeling that you hate his parents...so, even if you don't love them, don't accuse them of things...that REALLY REALLY has a bad impact) ...So, be careful at each step...Let the past go! Otherwise, it will only spoil your mental health and the family life in long run...
All the best...sorry if I am harsh and for not being very well organised in the reply...

 

Lady ,

Your post is half baked. Why do you get upset with them ? You seem to be just annoyed about ' certain ' things they do.. Else you say they are good.. If they are good otherwise and annoy you and pass sarcastic remarks then have you wondered what ever triggered the otherwise
" nice " people do that ? When you look for suggestions and opinions you will have to be a little more transparent about your problems.. ONLY then will members be able to give you their best !

However.. I was rather surprised with the sentence where you said your hubby ' scares ' you that someday you will have to live with his parents.. What is there to be scared to live with ' good ' people. You say -

maintain a distance with them cos when ever i get close they say something to hurt me... may be unintentionally

they say things that hurts you but arent sure wether it was intentional.. Then how are you so sure that it is going to be ' scarry ' to live with them.
Whatever it is.. marrying a person doesnt mean you get to live with only that man / woman ! Spouse comes with a package .. Parents, siblings and relatives. When you accept him.. it means you accept the entire package.
Unless life is dangerous when lived with them .

You cannot say my I will not live with inlaws because I assume things. I am worried if at all they make life miserable for me.
You say you have been nice and good to them.. you say that because you know it.. They must be feeling the same way too about themselves.. They wouldnt have realised the fact that few words of theirs is hurting you actually !!

Instead learn to tackle them.. You fell in love with your hubby and managed to stay in love isnt ? Now you do agree that husbands or wives come with their set of characteristics which they may or may not change for each other. Still you handled him.. These people are his blood.. So they arent going to be any monsters on earth !

What exctly does make them talk things that upset you.. if it is because of something you do .. then avoid it so that no comments are heard.. Else tell them it hurts ! Problem solved..

Saying " I dont want to love them " is as good as saying I want to spoil the peace in marriage !

Instead of working up and stressing for things which may or may not happen.

Lady, your hubby may be ' understanding ' today .. tommorow his mommy may say her son is ' understanding ' too ! He is their son and will have to eventually be around them physically if required ! So try building a cordial relationship with your inlaws and SIL and have a peaceful life.

 

hey....


everything will be fine...
dont scare... just believe in yourself!!!

 

Hello Nams ,

This is exactly what you must do in your life too !! Get out your problems and dont just keep it in you ! Never bottle it up so much that someday the thoughts take different forms like fear, low self esteem or something more worse ! Get them out of you and make your point. I am sure you do have a lott of them ! There is nothing to be scared about anything. They are humans with a different set of qualities. All of us have our parents different from each other and us as well, dont we ? Still as kids... we managed to send accross our views to both of them .. over time otherwise. We could get our message to them. We handled it well.. I do agree that our parents are sweethearts who make a lott of compromises for us ! These people were in no way related to you till you married this gentleman called Husband .. So they wouldnt compromise to you for anything as easily as we could think. It is just that you make them understand your view point. Give them time to talk and demand the time they need to listen to you. I mean.. if you are feeling awkward about something.. you can send in the message to them. By this.. either they understand that they shouldnt be repeating the behaviour or you can think of how they need to stop it !
Dear Nams, all of us do have dislike to certain kind of talks.. the ones I feel is normal may sound absurd to you.. and that is what matters ! You must think how you feeling about it and analyse it well on how to handle it. There is no point in hating / disliking your PILs further and making life dreadful for yourself.
Your husband tells you have to live with them eventually.. so you said you pretend that you dislike them ! I dont think you are pretending. You do dislike.. Just tell him you have differences in few issues with his parents but will sort it out slowly.. and he has to understand that you are only trying to build a good bond till everyone's end. You are sensible enough to handle them and he neednt ' scare ' you about anything !

Coming to the privacy part.. it was a little confusing to me..
Now did you say they forced you to stay in the hall respite having a room for yourself or there is just one room and you thought they would probably lend it for you threesome when you were there ?
If there is one room only then you very well knew you had to sleep in the hall isnt ? If you assumed that they would have probably given away theirs to you, then it was your fault and not that they did not giv you your privacy , isnt ?
But then if there was a room actually and you people werent allowed to sleep there then it is again funny that you and your husband cannot say you would use it.. I dont really understand that take.. so I leave it here
About your SIL .. well.. ignore that dame. Talk to her when you feel like and just ignore her existence otherwise. There are many other things you got to do, dont you ? Instead go hang around with your MIL , ask her why she doesnt want you to have a second baby. Ask her reasons for it. If she feels you cannot handle another kid.. tell her how much you love to give your first one a sibling. End of the day.. no one can stop yours and your hubby's decision of getting a sibling to your first one ! They cannot possibly drag your hubby away from you isnt ??
So dont give certain talks of theirs undue weightage !!
There is nothing like they do not ' give ' you privacy and space.. You have yours already and no one can ' take ' it away from you !! Cmon, Nams.. dont you see a point here.. ?? There is a lott of awkward silence here and that needs to be filled up first..
You are in a two bedroom flat and all of them sleep in their respective rooms ! End of the Story !! What is invasion of privacy then ??
Balance the time between your ILs and hubby. when you want to get out of the conversationa nd be with your hubby... just do it ! Excuse yourself and walk away.
Probably she feels a little insecure that your husband might stop being her son ! which is so normal in every MIL. .. So just smile and move on.
You dont have to go out of your way and please them.. because that is when you start feeling that you doing a " favour " to them despite of their trouble to you ! So just be yourself.. Normal ! and tell if you find somethin very hilarious !!
Your life is bliss ( with a sweet guy next to you ) it is al upto to keep it going.. !! Take care ..

 

I am glad about that !! And that is all I wanted too !! Take care !! :thumbsup