Discussing about relatives with DH

klniha · Feb 28, 2014

Hi ladies,

Have a couple of questions, so pleaseee read till end. Thank you.

Need help with few situations. You know how we come across aunts, co-sis, SILs whose ways we may find mean or sometimes just our opinions due to their actions that they weren't right. My DH used to acknowledge and never create drama when I talk of such ppl (ofcourse its a different ball game when its about his mom or own sis but that is understandable). I sent few gifts to my co-sis through her husband when he visited us, she did not call or email/msg to say thanks. Ok we are not best of friends and we don't really call each other. When my DH and his bro were talking, I asked my DH to enquire with his bro if the gifts to their kids and wife was given and whether they liked it, he found out and said they loved them. I felt happy anyway after he hung up I said, wouldn't it have been nicer if she had let me know personally... And my DH got upset and said then you shudnt have sent any gifts, don't talk anything negative with me etc... I was surprised, few months back if I had said this, he would've said, some ppl are like that, don't mind and it would've been end of topic there. Then he started bringing up all things I complained about like about a neighbor who I felt was rude to me etc. Basically I am positive and don't really gossip much but he made me look like this huge negative creature talking bad about everyone all the time. I noticed this change a couple of times now, I didn't prolong and left it there. But its worrying me, could his Mom feed something into his head or is it just him who doesn't want to hear anything negative? Or am I really wrong bringing up such discussions with him? Pls pour in your thoughts. He is otherwise nice, shy but good to me. But has temper issues, so its better not to poke him because if once triggered he gets really angry soon and talks crap (pointless arguments not bad language). Like during this same fight, he showed irritation on our kid and I felt bad, to which he told my kiddo, tell mommy to behave then I wont shout at you. He loves our kid and he was upset after all this happened but due to temper issues he cant handle himself. We are planning for another kid, this sometimes makes me wonder should we even go for another one, will they ever be happy with us? Ofcourse I am exaggerating, we fight but due to his temper issues, arguments go pointless, or do you think that not even a reason to consider. Otherwise we both love our kid and give utmost importance to her.
Weve been married 6 yrs now.

Rihana · Feb 28, 2014

1. Does he know your family and relatives well enough to have some observations about them? Does he sometimes talk about the rudeness or bad behavior of friends, colleagues?

2. At a peaceful time, bring it up as a general topic. Do not mention his mother, sister, your co-sister etc. Just ask him if it is OK if you share with him things you observe, cannot react to others and that it feels good to share with him. Or, ask him if he thinks you focus too much on the small negatives in others. You are only asking him, not promising or committing in any way to change yourself.

3. Or, let things be. You never know what exactly they talked in that phone call. To be fair to your husband, it is a little annoying for your DH to have to "enquire with his bro if the gifts to their kids and wife was given and whether they liked it"
If you cared enough to send the gifts, why can't you yourself ask her about them? Did you talk with her around the time the gifts were sent or did you just send them through your BIL?
Once your husband enquired and conveyed to you that they loved the gifts, you could have left well alone, and resisted adding on the bit about better if co-sis had let you know personally. He already knows she didn't acknowledge the gifts.

4. Taking out anger on child and telling child "tell mommy to behave, then I won't shout at you". Not nice. But, this or something similar can happen once in a while to the best of parents.

I would say don't give this particular incident too much importance, but work with husband on how to fight and argue in a better way.

indoc · Feb 28, 2014

You said it yourself... "But has temper issues, so its better not to poke him... "
Don't poke him, simple...

HasteRaho · Mar 1, 2014

I'm of the mind set that if you do something or give gifts, give it because you genuinely care about making someone happy and don't expect anything in return (not even a thanks). Expecting something in return makes it a formal gesture and defeats the purpose of having given anything in the first place. In that sense, I agree with your DH about "you shouldn't have given them gifts". Did your family members always say formal thank yous when gifts or gestures were exchanged? Most likely, your parents (like many) said "you shouldn't have" so similarly, give because you genuinely want to and let it go.

With that said, if you gave it to your BIL to take to his family then rest assured, he's probably give it. It's not a posted parcel that needs a tracking number for it to show that it was delivered. Of course, the manner that it was given in may not be quite the same as it is if you had given it yourself to them because let's face it, suitcases go unpacked for a few days and even then its more like "unpacking" the suitcase vs. the big snazzy "HERE'S A GIFT FOR YOU!" experience. Anyhow, move on! I bet you have bigger fish to fry and this is the least of your worries

I also agree with Rihana. Don't involve younger kids in your adult/ego issues. It's not appropriate nor healthy for them. Infact, don't bother involving anyone else in your issues. If you have issues with your co-sister then try to open up a direct channel of communication to resolve them as opposed to roping in BIL, DH and kids. You should be able to have a dialogue considering you're a grown, mature woman and so is your co-sister.

If you're a positive person as you say you are, try to remain positive by not letting such little details get to you (rude neighbor, etc) or speculating whether your MIL is manipulating your DH. It will only ruin your sense of mental peace in the end. Rather, focus on the positive things about your family, your IL and try to make yourself busy with things you actually enjoy and give you a sense of accomplishment.