Disciplining toddlers

Hi Teju,

Kids between the ages of 2 and 4 are adamant and they start becoming adamant when they turn 2 go past few months. It's all with us to control them and give them good habits. I'm in the US and can tell you few things that americans follow to discipline their kids. They don't beat at all, because it's illegal here to beat the kids.

First of all, do no give what she wants if you think it's not to be given. Stick to that and say to her even if she cries you won't give her. Initially she might cry and make scene and you would be getting irritated and think better to give her what she wants. But on a first shot if you think and say No to her, stick to that. First few days she might keep crying and then she gets to know that mom/dad will not give if it's been said NO. Most important EVERYONE at home should stick to this. If you think you can give her what she wants, give it at the first shot. Don't let her cry for sometime and then give. This makes the kid to understand that whatever she wants she can get it by crying.

Make a chart of Good Habits, Eating, Cleaning Up, etc....and give her a star when she does something good. Like if she eats by herself give a star in eating. if she behaves good then against good habit give her a star. tell u'r friends/relatives who visit u that your daughter behaved good and ate well and she got stars in front of your daughter. make her feel proud of what she did. Tell her if the star counts to 10 or whatever number she would get her favourite thing done, like toys, dresses, ice cream, etc. and make it when she gets the count you have specified(for eg 10).

About playschool, talk to her when she's quiet and calm. ask her what she does in playschool and what she does in house. tell her at home there will be nothing except her same old toys and mom. but at play school she has got activities like coloring, playing, most important playing with friends. tell her theres nothing to be afraid of the school or miss. her miss is her friend, etc. meet with her teacher and check how she behaves in the class. show some of her neighbourhood friends who go to school/playschool and who enjoys it. but say it in a positive manner. don't say ava pora nee poradhukku enna, etc. say shes enjoying school, etc.

for eating, whenever you have your food, make her sit with you and give her food in a plate. at first she might not eat properly, and food might be wasted, but don't bother. let her waste and learn. make it a competition between you and your daughter. if there are other kids in the family, make it a competition between them. also if you are making tiffen items, make it small and with some designs so that they like it. like for eg u can make small dosai, small idlies, some shapes in chapathi, etc. get her some design plates. nowadays in India u get plenty of them.

all these I have read in articles by some doctors and I have practised them and my daughter seems to be following atleast 50%. especially the STAR thing works miracles with her. apart from these, kids of 2-4 are mischevious and we can only control them to certain extent.

keep telling her whatever you want her to follow in all the good times.

Cheers,
Malar

 

Hi Teju, My boy will soon be 3 and I'm in the same boat as you. Since I am a stay-at-home-mom and have to deal with him practically the whole day I do lose my calm and temper everyday. There are days I shout, scream and break down as well. My boy says 'no' to everything, screams and shouts if I'm on the phone or talking with my husband. Just like your daughter he says okay when I tell him later that he shouldn't scream etc., But I think this is the age they develop their emotional skills as well. I know it's very trying but as Malar says we can't be tough with them 100%. These days I ignore him if he's screaming and tell him in low voice that he'll not get a reply from me if he's shouting. If he's refusing to get dressed or eat his food I don't force him.. i remind him that amma has other things to do and I'll not put on his dress if he doesn't listen to me. It has worked. Believe me it's taken over couple of months to get results out of this tactic but I find that if I don't scream at him, he does take me seriously. I even stupidly argue with my husband that my boy doesn't respect me and only listens to his father It's not so actually. As for playschool luckily he likes going there. You assure your girl that she has friends to play, she can learn new things and you'll pick her up after buying milk etc., That's what I tell my boy. Now he really likes going there... some days he's a bit reluctant and I don't force him. I call the play school and excuse. I don't think kids of this age understand 'promising something' (like saying I'll not cry to get dressed etc.,). They just want to see how far they can take liberty with their parents, esp mother. As malar says if it's a no for something it's a strict no. I've got my son crying non-stop out of the supermarket coz i refused to get him a candy. But after couple of times he knows he can scream his lungs out but he'll not get just because he's embarassing me outside. Do try different tactics... i do agree it's a tough job. But frankly do you remember how naughty or adamant you were as a kid? I don't. This is just a phase... oh yes and more thing. I've stopped telling my boy about what annoys me the most more than once. I tell him more positive things that he does and he's really happy... Good luck! Latha

 

All the best, Teju! I must admit that I do beat my boy at times. Even today it happened. He comes into the kitchen and tries to do something dangerous and that really pushes me to the edge. Since I'm also pregnant now i lose my mind and patience Then I feel very guilty. His doctor once told me that at this age they only partly understand their limits and sometimes there's no way out other than beating. I'm sure every single parent hates to raise their hands at such a small kid. As I write this I feel so low and guilty that I beat such a small creature.. but sometimes I just don't know how else to stop his screaming or let me do basic work. I assume there are good and bad days for everyone and one has to just remember to learn lessons from each passing incident. I also worry at times that my son will grow up hating me or being a rough kid if i beat him.... friends what do you feel? Latha

 

yes teju, i'm trying hard. he does beat me back there are days when nothing else works... he really pushes me to the edge. i tell him at bed time that he should listen to me and his dad when we tell him not to touch something because it can hurt him. what i do these days is when he wantedly does something to catch my attention (which is not funny like grabbing the knife when i'm chopping veges) i just leave the place and sit down elsewhere. he tries to talk me out then i tell him firmly that amma has few things to do and he shouldn't disturb. i think somedays he's also in a bad mood and so we end up fighting( today i told him calmly several times and he kept on saying 'no' and repeated so i got fed up... so for rice. yes now when i think back it was so easy when they are babies my son now likes to mix rice and sambar/rasam/curd by himself and will not let me or my husband feed him. so it's basically only whatever he eats. few months back i will mix in a bowl and give him with a spoon and he used to finish it fast. but since a month or so this trend has started. my mom says better let him be and fill up his snack time with fruits, cheese etc., because it's a sign that he wants to be independent and feed by himself. for milk, he still drinks from bottle and he loves milk in any form... horlicks, with honey or just milk. so the cup project is still incomplete at our home have you tried a cup with spout or as my friend does try a straw sorry i can't help much on this topic! latha

 

Hi teju,

to make you kid eat his own food(rice, sambar, rasam, etc) try with colorful plates that has her favourite characters in it. You can get plates with Dora/princess etc in it. so try with that. also instead of just trying while giving food, tell her what strength vegetables/rice/sambar etc give her. show her some veggie books and teach her and say dora says this, spiderman says that, they can do things only bcoz they eat everything by their own, etc. I knw it's easy to be said. my daughter is 3yrs old and doesn't eat all by herself. I'm also trying my best.

regarding milk, may be your daughter doesn't like milk. again try with different sippers with her favourite colors and characters. show her something related to milk and teach her abt that too. is she doesn't like milk then I'm not sure how far she'll listen to what you say. bcoz my co-sister's son doesn't take milk at all. when he was a toddler she used to feed him when hes sleeping with feeding bottle even until 3/4. And now hes 6 and he doesn't take it. basically he don't like. I'm not disappointing, but try with various options.

hope she takes her milk on her own soon...all the best

Cheers,
Malar