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Dinner With Friend - Wife Is Mad!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ramudada, Nov 26, 2020.

  1. Ramudada

    Ramudada Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I wanted to understand what did I do wrong here. We are married for 15 years and last year an Indian family moved in next door and we became good friends. The husband is around my age and we keep meeting for chai and dinner.

    Yesterday night, my next door neighbor invited me over for drinks in the evening. I told my wife that I would be back by 9:30 pm. When I was leaving around 8:00 pm, my wife and kids sat down and were having their dinner.

    At my friend’s house we had a couple of drinks and I ended up having dinner with him as it was getting late. His wife and kids had also eaten and he was waiting for me to give him company. I ended up coming back home by 10:00 pm.

    My wife is furious that I ate dinner there and thinks it’s weird. It’s something that married guys don’t do and only bachelors do. How can I have dinner alone in someone’s house without my family?

    I would like some advice and if I was wrong here. I did mention it to my wife earlier that day that I would be going for drinks and she was ok with it.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Next time update your wife when your plans change. She thought you would come home dinner and you were probably also later than expected.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Inquiring minds and Dineshan want to know a few more details. Kindly revert back with the same at your earliest and after wifey's mood is better.
    These chai, dinner meetings are whole family events? Your wife takes part in them happily enough? The neighbor's wife's cooking abilities are around the same level as your wife's?

    You mention that you had also told your wife earlier in the day about your plans and she was ok with it. So, the drinks were not a last minute plan. 10/10 so far. But, hopefully you also appreciate having an understanding wife who excuses you from the family dinner the day before Thanksgiving when all are mostly in holiday mode. Did you by any chance express that appreciation on this occasion? If so, score would go up to 10.5/10.

    Here, it starts to get a little hard to say who was more right. The main question is could you have texted her about the change in plans and that you would be having dinner at the neighbor's? You say you had only "couple of drinks", so one assumes you possessed sufficient faculty and hand-eye coordination to send an "fyi" or "may I" text to wife. You could have. You should have.

    Well, she does have a point. There is at least lack of enough precedent to make this a "normal" happening. Usually, a married desi guy has dinner alone in a family friend's house only if his wife and kids are out of town. That the neighbor's wife and kids had eaten earlier is a mitigating circumstance but barely.

    15 years and you ask for advice were you wrong? She says you are wrong. You are wrong. It is that simple.

    Jokes aside, she is right. Agreeing to your going over for drinks there while she and the kids have dinner by themselves was nice of her. I am fortunate to have a spouse who says a similar yes, and even sends a few necessary things with me when I go over to my neighbor's with similar plans (drinks but not dinner) as you had. Of course, being the wife, I finish making dinner before I leave and the family only has to serve themselves. But, if I see I am getting late or having too many "appetizers" with my friend, I do text my family to tell them to put away stuff in the fridge as I will not be having dinner at home. It is not "necessary" that I text and update them, but it is the nice thing to do -- keep spouse/family updated if plans change. In fact, I end up sending a few selfies of myself, my friend and the spread as my friend is an exceptional cook.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2020
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  4. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    No you were not wrong, your wife is over reacting.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, Suppose your wife go for a girls day out and agree to reach home by 8.00 PM while you are baby sitting your kids . But didn't return on time and also you dont hear any thing from her and she came home only by 11.00 PM.

    How do you feel?

    Most of the women (may be there are exceptions) in similar situations be anxious to know why she is late. A text would have been enough. .

    The issue with her i believe, is the lack of acknowledgement from you when you deviated from your agreed plans. You were late and you had dinner with your friend and didn't return on time while she whole heartedly supported your plan.

    May be she over reacted according to you, but atleast expressing her displeasure and her feelings in this situations is normal. Next time stick with your plan and inform her if you are going to be late.
     
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  6. netflx

    netflx Gold IL'ite

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    Not sure what you meant by "furious". Expressing her displeasure is ok and normal, furious is an over reaction. (if you meant by furious if she yelled over the top a bit or extended-silent-treatment or what? Not sure). Some displeasure is normal, but you did not do any huge crime to be over the top angry/furious. She could have texted you or called you too when it was a bit late, though would have been good if you had texted instead.
    If small incidents can get her to furious state, then there are certainly changes she needs to make with her attitude too.
     
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  7. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    I sense that, she wasn't reacting to this particular incident.

    There is something more in her mind that she is "furious" about. Hence her disproportionate reaction. You need to find out what exactly is bothering her.
     
  8. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this is a very wise reply.

    your wife is overreacting. but the reaction is due to some other incident. you need to have a discussion on that.

    try not to overthink about it. i cannot talk for her. my H has a close buddy, they hang out for some hours 1 or 2 times a month. i do the same with my friends.
     
  9. Ramudada

    Ramudada Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you for your responses. I had a long chat with her and she was angry about having dinner with friend instead of family on night before thanksgiving. She did not expect me to stay away when there were a lot of chores to be done.

    All is well now!
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    You did not do wrong here and guys do not think or analyze too much about things etc.
    However..this could continue in the future and expectations from your friend to do the same in your house could arise.

    Your wife is also not wrong here.It would have been better to inform your wife in phone / casual message about the dinner.

    Plus with neighbors getting too close too soon unless you are an extrovert and take it easy policy person..it is always better to have boundaries.

    Your wife might want some boundaries.
     

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