DILs as Problem creators

SoaringSpirit · Jan 29, 2008

Excellent suggestions Aarushi! Extremely well thought out and well written! For once, I have nothing to add!

Malar, I totally agree with you that there are surely enough bad DILs around that cause issues. I have no doubt about that.

I really think the key in improving this situation is what Aarushi has suggested, the husband and wife communicate their expectations and thoughts to each other frankly and calmly.

Good luck to your friend.
SS

malarvp · Jan 29, 2008

Hi Aarushi,

I totally agree with all your points. well said I can say. But I'm not able to accept it in my friends case. Because it's been 5yrs of marriage and all he has experienced is "Kalyanam pannium Brahmachari". I don't mean the sexual life at all. But he hasn't got the love and affection he has to get from his wife. She left the home 4 months after their marriage. And the issues like washing clothes, taking water were not made big issues at all. You are right, may be we are just hearing one side of the story, but my husband knows his friend right from his childhood and even his family. So as far as I knw it's a major fault from the girls side. And regarding the Government job and security, the girl can work in US as well, since her husband is in L1 and on L2 she can work.

Anyways thanks for your suggestions and I'll pass along these information to him. Let God help him better his future.

Cheers,
Malar

Aarushi said: ↑

Hi Malar,

I think your first sentence answers your second one... DIL's of previous generations did not have a choice. Maybe because they were not financially independent, their thoughts and feelings were not taken into account.

Joint family conceptually is a nice thing but very rarely works as a well oiled machine. There is just too much family dynamics involved for a non-manipulative person to survive in there without feeling bitter.

Yes, there are some in-laws at fault and at some places some DIL's are at fault.

However, I think that the main problem arises when we become too judgmental or controlling of others. We should accept that people raised in different households will generally have trouble living together... it is not a question of right or wrong...haven't you heard of hostel feuds?

Even if the MIL or FIL do not approve of their DIL, I think it is important for the sake of their child's married life that they help in maintaining marital harmony in his life and not complicate it by adding to the fire.

For example in your friend's case, I think there is a lot of communication gap between the husband and wife. There is also a mismatch of expectations from both sides. Both sides need to climb down a bit from their high perches.

The main thing for the couple should be to stay together as a family unit with their small child. Whether it is in US or in India. Whether you like it or not, the DIL is part of the equation and her feelings also should be taken into account. Your friend should talk openly with his wife about what her fears are about leaving the government job and try to alleviate them. You (or your friend) seem to think that her wanting to keep her govt. job is foolish, but maybe in her mind it is a security thing for her? Because as a dependent she will not be able to work here. If she does not have enough confidence in her husband (that he will respect her feelings and support her), she might find it difficult to leave her job. I know many families in India who still think that government jobs are so precious and this mindset is hard to change or ignore.

About staying with her in-laws. It would be nice if everybody stayed together happily but it is obvious that right now that is not a realistic thing. The DIL might have been pampered but it also might be that you are not getting the right picture since you are hearing only one side of the story. The clothes washing thing for example...why make that into a issue?? Couldn't ALL the clothes be washed in the machine?? Why did FIL have to make an issue out of that?? About getting the water, who pulled it out of the well before? Why is the FIL/husband not helping out in the physically taxing chores? And why can't they employ a maid/servant to help out (if they can afford it). I think the main issue is that they are expecting the DIL to behave in an ultra traditional way and the DIL is not ready to do that.

I think when the in-laws realize that it is more important that their son lives happily with his wife and kids than whether the DIL washed their clothes by hand or not, their problems will lessen to an extent.

I am not saying that the DIL is right or wrong. All I'm saying is that since there is an expectation mismatch between the DIL and in-laws, for the sake of marital harmony of their son, the parents should back off a bit.

Lastly, if the DIL does not get along with MIL/FIL, then why are you thinking of forcing everybody to live together? What is the harm if your friend lives on another floor or in a near by house from his parents? Sometimes a little distance goes a long way in maintaining relationships. Your friend would be nearby in case his parents need help but there would be some space also between his wife and parents (who don't get along at all).

Living separately from your parents does not mean that you have renounced them. It just means that you work out an arrangement that works best for all of the people involved. Not just for one. In general in-law relations are tricky...so its best to maintain some distance. Once every settles down and starts getting along and stops expecting too much then maybe at a later date they can all move in together but for now I would work on removing this distance between the husband and wife.

Hope this helps your friend...

love,
Aarushi
Click to expand...