DILs as Problem creators

I totally agree with you, This whole incompatibility issue has got something rooted in our upbringing and values.The chances are , If you were a good DIL in your time, you will remain a good MIL too. It has got something to do with , how we conduct our social interactions apart from blood relations.

In my analysis, forging a relation between any two grown up adults take lot of patience and will to do. In ILs case, motivations are different. Sometime there will be DILs who have seen their mother doing everything right with their in-laws. So these DILs will try to forge good relations with their ILs too. There may be vice versa scenarios for MILs too.
I think the problem arises when we make a blanket statement like..All DILs are godly..All MILs are devilish. Which is as false as all humans beings are same. So I would say a mature and seasoned person does know in their heart that it takes two to tango in any relation. Those MILs who find themselves at hands of bad DILs.. My word of respite would be, World is not all about having a DIL who appreciates your goodness. Carry on being good and keep in your heart that you didnt give birth to this dear DIL. So her flaws are largely because of her upbringing and her values. Forgive her, because she doesnot know what she is missing. She also doesnot know that hurting someone's soul deeply entails a curse on whole generation, which no amount of money and social work can undo. Good values and good upbringing is almost like a having a good crop. You cannt harvest a good crop if the seed is infected. But you can always collect your own good deeds and carry on with life. Because its not between you and your DIL. Its between you and your God. So forgiveher and be yourself.

Ria

 

Malar
Nice writeup and very good perspective too. Thanks for writing and sharing. I know of more problem DIL's than problem MIL's. and these days about the girls less said the better. timely thread. keep it up.

 

Malar,

I agree 100% with you that not all MILs are evil and not all DILs are saints. My SIL (hubby's sister) is an example of the DIL from H@ll. She had a love marriage. Her husband is the ONLY child to his parents. They were not financially well off - his father worked for Southern Railways as an LDC. Didn't even have a house of their own, whereas my inlaws were / are very well off. My FIL retired from a senior management position, draws a large pension, own a large home in Chennai, have their own car, have had telephone connection in their house from the 1970s itself, etc etc etc. So my inlaws could not digest SIL's decision to marry this guy.

From the very beginning, MIL was advicing SIL how to get away from the inlaws. SIL acted like a spoiled, rich brat as a newly married bride and would insult her inlaws for their middle-class lifestyle. They ended up hating her and not even considering her as a member of their family. MIL would feed all rubbish in SIL's ears and SIL would dance to MIL's tunes. MIL, herself, drove away my FIL's father when the old man was in his 70s and FIL's sisters came to take him to live with them as they couldn't bear to see their elderly father being abused. MIL's sister kicked her inlaws out and THEY had to live with THEIR daughters, too. So this tradition of not taking care of their inlaws is vaazhai adi vaazhai in MIL's parambarai. I have heard from my husband's Maamas that MIL's mother always fought with HER inlaws, too!!!!!

MIL ill treated me from the day I entered her house as a bride. I got married meaning to be a loving DIL. I have no sisters and I thought of SIL as a sister and would confide in her the early days of my marriage. She backstabbed me with her mother. MIL has abused me, my parents and even my grandfather (who has been dead since 1971!), insulting us at every concievable opportunity, asking for more and more and more until I put my foot down and said "Enough is enough"

Her misbehavior and abusive treatment of me has turned me into a monster DIL who will NOT do a thing for MIL. I think one's treatment, respect and love is earned, not guaranteed. If she had been nice to me, I'd have taken good care of her in her old age. As of now, she is on her own or SIL can take care of her.

MIL also told me that they are giving their house to their daughter as if to blackmail me. I laughed LOUDLY in her face... BIG DEAL. I can earn and build my own house.

So, yes, there are bad MILs like mine and evil DILs like my SIL. Not ALL MILs are bad and not ALL DILs are innocent babies.

 

yes I agree - not all DIL's are victims, a lot of them set out to disrupt their in laws home. one of our good family friends had such a problem. the dil's family were very nice till marriage and after that she hardly stayed in her hubby's house. now she stays away and even refuses to give divorce and threatens to report them to police!! i guess there will be instances where dil's are genuinely tortured but there are also an equal number where the dil's are to blame.

Mythraeyi

 

Hi
with u my mil comes under this category she never let Fil's members to house...she dont even spend a month with her il's...she went to live with Fil after his parntz death....this shameless fil dont care for his wife's attitude at all...but as u told rt from day one she alwyz tortured me in all aspects irrespectively..she even spread wrong word about my hus which is not true...myself in all aspects superior than them why im saying this is even i move in a gud manner she bahaves badly..my hus helped them in all aspects staying with us dont have any support 4m elder and younger son....she still develops such behavior....words r not enough to write abt her which i hate...im a very soft girl turned against her bcoz of her behavr...they r responsible 4r dil +ve r -ve approach 2wards them.....

 

I am sure Malar, all will agree with you that all MIL are not bad and that there are such DIL too.

Maybe as you rightly mentioned here that there are not many MILs here who have such devilish DILs.

Also, these days the girls having seen their mothers being ill treated by their MILs take caution from the begining itself that they too don't have to lead the same life. Or many a times the parents poison their ears.

Roopa.

 

Hi Malar,

I think your first sentence answers your second one... DIL's of previous generations did not have a choice. Maybe because they were not financially independent, their thoughts and feelings were not taken into account.

Joint family conceptually is a nice thing but very rarely works as a well oiled machine. There is just too much family dynamics involved for a non-manipulative person to survive in there without feeling bitter.

Yes, there are some in-laws at fault and at some places some DIL's are at fault.

However, I think that the main problem arises when we become too judgmental or controlling of others. We should accept that people raised in different households will generally have trouble living together... it is not a question of right or wrong...haven't you heard of hostel feuds?

Even if the MIL or FIL do not approve of their DIL, I think it is important for the sake of their child's married life that they help in maintaining marital harmony in his life and not complicate it by adding to the fire.

For example in your friend's case, I think there is a lot of communication gap between the husband and wife. There is also a mismatch of expectations from both sides. Both sides need to climb down a bit from their high perches.

The main thing for the couple should be to stay together as a family unit with their small child. Whether it is in US or in India. Whether you like it or not, the DIL is part of the equation and her feelings also should be taken into account. Your friend should talk openly with his wife about what her fears are about leaving the government job and try to alleviate them. You (or your friend) seem to think that her wanting to keep her govt. job is foolish, but maybe in her mind it is a security thing for her? Because as a dependent she will not be able to work here. If she does not have enough confidence in her husband (that he will respect her feelings and support her), she might find it difficult to leave her job. I know many families in India who still think that government jobs are so precious and this mindset is hard to change or ignore.

About staying with her in-laws. It would be nice if everybody stayed together happily but it is obvious that right now that is not a realistic thing. The DIL might have been pampered but it also might be that you are not getting the right picture since you are hearing only one side of the story. The clothes washing thing for example...why make that into a issue?? Couldn't ALL the clothes be washed in the machine?? Why did FIL have to make an issue out of that?? About getting the water, who pulled it out of the well before? Why is the FIL/husband not helping out in the physically taxing chores? And why can't they employ a maid/servant to help out (if they can afford it). I think the main issue is that they are expecting the DIL to behave in an ultra traditional way and the DIL is not ready to do that.

I think when the in-laws realize that it is more important that their son lives happily with his wife and kids than whether the DIL washed their clothes by hand or not, their problems will lessen to an extent.

I am not saying that the DIL is right or wrong. All I'm saying is that since there is an expectation mismatch between the DIL and in-laws, for the sake of marital harmony of their son, the parents should back off a bit.

Lastly, if the DIL does not get along with MIL/FIL, then why are you thinking of forcing everybody to live together? What is the harm if your friend lives on another floor or in a near by house from his parents? Sometimes a little distance goes a long way in maintaining relationships. Your friend would be nearby in case his parents need help but there would be some space also between his wife and parents (who don't get along at all).

Living separately from your parents does not mean that you have renounced them. It just means that you work out an arrangement that works best for all of the people involved. Not just for one. In general in-law relations are tricky...so its best to maintain some distance. Once every settles down and starts getting along and stops expecting too much then maybe at a later date they can all move in together but for now I would work on removing this distance between the husband and wife.

Hope this helps your friend...

love,
Aarushi