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DILs and MILs Dynamics - Lets Discuss

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Ria2006, Apr 16, 2008.

  1. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Forgive my words, if it unappealing to you. But that's what I feel when I read so many complaining posts about MILs,FILs and SILs.

    I mean where are we going as a society. Women are quick to snap back in saying.. why should they tolerate illogical behaviour from In-laws? DILs also claim very obnoxiously that they have also left their parents. Who is caring for them?
    I dont know what happened to our upbringing and values.Where we became so narrow that there is no inch of tolerance in us. Not even for people who are somewhat our own. Before you jump to conclusion that I may be some old MIL sitting in safe cocoon of my Monestrous home. Lemme clarify. I am 30 year old DIL who loves her ILs to death. I dont care if at times I may have seen inordinate behaviour from anyone close to me. Not that I am god. But I guess Its very much part of our upbringing. I have seen my mom doing her all duties to the best and not expecting when its her turn to be MIL. I have seen my maternal grandmother do it too. So I guess I get the strength from their belief that reciprocation is not needed for us to follow our religon.

    In my belief, a couple should see through their duties towards both side of parents. It all the more duty of woman in the house to ensure it.Because to a great extent woman decides the culture and spritual nerve of the house. In most of the posts here, I see a little amount of patience will go long way. But for some reason, I find people getting obsessed with issues of ILs. Didn't you marry the son than the ILs?

    I am surprised to see the smart woman falling short of ideas to creatively solve issues with ILs. People say maintaing a distant relation is better than noisy and suffocating relation with ILs. I feel its like saying adopting a kid remotely is better than taking pain to conceive and deliver. Dont we go through the life threatening event of pregnancy for a stranger kid? We justify it for our motherly instincts. But in my belief someone who cannot treasure and workout human relations, can never become a role-model mother. Selfishness will only breed selfishness.

    Some may find me totally baised towards Old ILs and insensitive to suffering DILs. But I seriously think most of the issues stem because DILs refuse to understand dynamics of a household. Every house and its residents have issues. Its always the new comer who has to adjust. But for some reason we enter the house all set to reciprocate everything. Dont we have issues with our own parents and siblings? That too when we have grown up with them. Then why do we assume that everyone should be as per our wishlist in In-law's house. DILs who think its mutual process to adjust, I totally agree with you. But dont we have a society which is ages beyond the actual equality between genders. I am not justifying inequality by saying it. But we all have to live through society drawbacks till we all achieve that perfect harmonious world. Trust me, its worth the deal.

    You can never win a guy totally until you win his side too.Until then there will be a part of the bridge broken between him and you. Do it for the sake of being clear in your conscious, for setting the right role model for your kids. When I write this, I am no way garnering a dream of clinging to my kids when I grow old. I just believe in doing what's due for me.

    Those who think its all about settling the score , I have only one thing to say. You came alone in this world. You will go alone. So no score can accompany you anyway. So why keep the score.

    Ria
     
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  2. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Well said Ria :)

    Personally, I am not going to take sides here, since both are human - DIL and MIL - both are not perfect. But whats the edge - the DIL trying to compromise more than the MIL, that's all. When you have the love of your life, why not adjust a bit and make him as well as his mom happy right?

    I am not saying that one has to be a doormat for all sorts of abuse or torture from the ILs. Clearly there is a difference when to compromise and when to walk away. Period.

    We keep saying unconditional love.... but when it comes to practice, we think all sorts of logical thinks and never put that to practice. Which is absurd. Whats the point then right?

    More later...
     
  3. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Hi Ria,
    It is such a wonderful post from you.....sorry to be too crude....but there are some basic things in a human life....the DIL who are trying to stay away from their In-Laws are not wrong nor the In-Laws who are misbehaving with DILs are all wrong......they are only going by the law of nature...since from the day of animal evolution, its been seen that the parents always take care of the offspring but except human in none of the animals of this whole animal kingdom does otherwise (offsprings taking care of parents). Its the law of nature who will push us to make our race survive and this can be only done by taking producing offsprings and taking care of them........
    These are all animal extincts.....we human are social animals and our race is the most eveolved one (never think that we are the most successful one......we (modern man) are here only for 10000 year while some mightier sp. ruled for billions of years on this earth).......and since we started staying in society....their is a social boundary that compels us to look after our parents/In-Laws......
    Anybody that goes by the law of nature......abandons the parents/In-Laws are right in some aspect....while some kids/DILs takes good care of the parents/In-Laws, they are also right in their point of view........
    And one more thing to say.......upbringing can only attribute a little to the behaviour of a person.......but can't change the mindset fully.......even good/gentl parents do have kids who are totally opposite to their nature and vice versa......it's us our own thinking/our own judgemental capabilities that matters....
    Staying with (physically) or away from relations does not matter much when you are not with them mentally.......sometimes soothing words/words told in care matter much than physical presence.......so, its upto the In-Laws/DIL how they maintain with each other......they may stay away physically but their close to each other's heart like you and some other ILites.....(I can count myself in too).
    And about tolerating capacity, sweety..its a lot more now what our parents had a long back.......in older generation the ladies has to tolerate the bad behavior of the ladies of their own house but now in this advance world, everybody has to tolerate the every other person around his viscinity and this over burdens our patience.......and we go nuts.......
    Any ways, this post is written in a very lighter vein and will not look forward to a heated debate......
    Regards.
     
  4. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Hi Ria,
    I agree to your point that DILs should be adjusting to the family etc etc...
    All your points holds good where both DIL and MIL are from good/ respected families...
    But what would you suggest for extremities like physical abusing, killing one's self confidence, false accuse, restraining one's freedom etc.
    Friends here @ IndusLadies are complaining about in-laws just to share their feelings, take out their frustruations and to learn the smartness which they need it in day-today life. Not many people would have learnt/seen such things from their parents or relatives. Many daughters being pampered in their houses would find it difficult to take abusive nature from in-laws. That's where most of them need moral support from anybody.
    We can't 100% blame only either DILs or in-laws. In a family, both the new comer as well as the family members have to show love/affection/respect to each other.

    Regards.
     
  5. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Puni 88, Meeta and Nandshyam

    I definitely agree with your viewpoints. I do know some of the cases where torture from In-laws goes beyond human level. In such extreme cases I am sure any sensible person would recommend saving life than threatening its existence.

    My post is just for the analysis, are we missing basic patience quotient in day to day trivial issues with In-laws. Any severe suffering I agree everyone has right to safegaurd themselves

    Ria
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2008
  6. Jithiks

    Jithiks Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Hello Ria,

    Usually, I never step into these topics...but the title of the thread compelled me to.

    We can also start saying MIL's back biting club too...since there are also threads that mention that their DIL's are not interactive..right?

    I dont want to get into a heated discussion about this. Having said that, for any relationship to be smooth, there has to be give and take policy. Give respect and take respect.

    Gone are the days when the FIL and MIL give orders and the DIL obeys implicitly. Even if they are loving and understanding, each questions the other's decision, judgements or actions.

    But, nowadays, the MIL's are also becoming broadminded and are not too conservative as before. Still, there are some people who forget that they were also DIL's once or that their daughters are also DIL's in another household. According to them, they are the perfect epitome of wife and mother. Abuse can not only be physical, but the emotional abuse may also push them further apart.

    Another thing, both the MIL's and DIL's need to stop comparing the other to their own mothers or daughters...this will lead to serious issues. Accept them for what they are and try to talk things out. Communication is the key for any bonding. We cannot read each other's mind !

    Krithika
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Krithika

    I am happy that I could persuade you to interact here Bow
    I agree with your points. I also believe in not having arguments over points. I think we all can learn from a cummulative wisdom.
    You said one very apt point. We all set our bar way too high.. Comparing to daughter and mother. I totally am in unison on this. While if we set it to just realistic well-wisher's limit, the remation may work much better

    ria
     
  8. elite111

    elite111 New IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Dear Ria,
    That was really well said.God Bless You!

    Regards,


     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2008
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Cmit,

    Thanks for posting your reply. Like all others even I was worried about your well being. I will read your other update too.

    I agree with your point. You can certainly pour your heart here in IL. I do understand sometime life gets too heavy being so away from home and our own people.
    I think barring some extreme control freaks most In-laws will fall in category of doubtful elders who dont know if the DIL in question will keep the house in order or not. So out of the fear they do many illogical things. I think in such scenario only a smart and tactful approach can help the DIl in question. Rather than reacting for everything and calling a spade a spade, one needs to somehow get in the circle of trust with In-laws. Its all about ensuring that DIL in question is not an enemy but a human waiting to take the family tradition on next premise.
    Ria
     
  10. jpstar

    jpstar New IL'ite

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    Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

    Dear Ria,

    I liked your perspective in the opening post here. Bow

    I hope all the DILs like me, visiting this thread will read it with an open mind. It will help all of us if we read without getting defensive and without attacking anyone's style of thinking.

    I personally think that easy access to forums such as this enable any person facing problem to rush to seek help. Like everything in the world, this also has its own pros & cons. The pros are getting wholesome and balanced perspective on your problem, ability to take off mental load, vent without being judged, etc. & the cons are restricting one's own ability of decision making, relying excessively on external help, venting without inhibitions since this is a faceless interaction, etc.

    I don't mean to say that this applies to everyone who comes here but this may be generally true.

    If some DIL is being tortured & abused - physically or emotionally - she has every reason to approach for help. If the abuse is physical than seek help immediately but if it is emotional then I think we should first try to find answers ourselves so that we become as strong as possible. Also trying to see the situation through the other person's (MIL/FIL/ SIL) perspective will help a lot.

    I believe that no person in their right mind will want to cause harm to someone else. There may only be some misunderstanding somewhere or a lopsided view of the situation.

    Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent".

    More later. Computer Typing
    Till then I hope I don't touch anyone's raw nerve here. :hide:

    Bye.
     

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