Dilemma- Leave Or Stay

Sandycandy · Mar 8, 2018

@Rosegarden Let’s hope counseling knocks some sense into your husband. The only person that has had to sacrifice their happiness and self esteem is you. Seems like he still does not understand the magnitude of the pain his addiction has caused to you. This is his only chance I think, so i hope he does not fail to follow through with counseling or act like he is the victim here . I hope you feel better than you did before.

Rosegarden · Apr 5, 2018

Counselling is still going on. He is not ready for temporary separation. He said if you want separation go for divorce. I told him to regain trust he has to be an open book- he has to share his phone, email fc etc passwords. He was transparent for a while after second set of events, but he took everything away. But he is not ready to do it. He is still repeating that he not doing anything wrong for last few years. What you will do if you are in my place. Confused

Sandycandy · Apr 6, 2018

Rose, so your husband prefers being divorced over being transparent about his online activities ? He has repeatedly broken your trust , there is no regret and there seems to be no effort to change. This is not what a man that wants to save his marriage does. The first step for him to recognize that there is a problem.
No he cannot be trusted . The only way I would stay married to this man is if he shared all the passwords with me and also took help for his addiction.

Rosegarden said: ↑

Counselling is still going on. He is not ready for temporary separation. He said if you want separation go for divorce. I told him to regain trust he has to be an open book- he has to share his phone, email fc etc passwords. He was transparent for a while after second set of events, but he took everything away. But he is not ready to do it. He is still repeating that he not doing anything wrong for last few years. What you will do if you are in my place. Confused
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Rosegarden · Apr 6, 2018

Sandycandy said: ↑

Rose, so your husband prefers being divorced over being transparent about his online activities ? He has repeatedly broken your trust , there is no regret and there seems to be no effort to change. This is not what a man that wants to save his marriage does. The first step for him to recognize that there is a problem.
No he cannot be trusted . The only way I would stay married to this man is if he shared all the passwords with me and also took help for his addiction.
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Thanks Sandycandy. He was transparent for a while. Then he took it away. He talks to counsellor like I am invasive. If I want to check his mobile I have to ask, then he give it. But is that ideal solution? I would not have asked his passwords if these events never happened. He take the stand that he is not doing anything wrong for the last three years. So I have to trust him. I think I am not able trust because he never apologized even though he admitted doing all those.
I dont know how to believe and trust him

shama146 · Apr 6, 2018

Dear rosegarden,

The first step such kind of people need to take so that they could change is accept their mistake. Unfortunately 90% of the time people don't accept internally that they are wrong. For the time being to show the world they accept their mistake but deep down they still think they are right.

To be very honest people who don't realise their mistake can never change. In your case what I can see is either you accept him the way he is or go for divorce.

For your own sanity I feel it is better to leave him.

kalpas · Apr 9, 2018

shama146 said: ↑

Dear rosegarden,

The first step such kind of people need to take so that they could change is accept their mistake. Unfortunately 90% of the time people don't accept internally that they are wrong. For the time being to show the world they accept their mistake but deep down they still think they are right.

To be very honest people who don't realise their mistake can never change. In your case what I can see is either you accept him the way he is or go for divorce.

For your own sanity I feel it is better to leave him.
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I totally agree with @shama146. If people commit mistakes, they should feel for it apologize sincerely for their mistakes if they want to restart their relationship.

In your case, you have mentioned your husband says instead of separation he is ready for a divorce. He has also not realized his mistake.

So, like most people your husband will not change. He will not accept his mistake. He may continue to be like that. If you think , you can accept him like , then you should stay in the marriage.

As mentioned in this reply, you will lose your sanity , everyday thinking about his actions. I dont find anypoint in living a life of negativity. You have tried your best. Love and Trust and 2 major factors of any relationship, If that is broken, it is not worth it. From what you have mentioned, your husband has broken Trust and and is ready for a Divorce, which means there is lack of Love. The relationship is not worth it.

Be bold and try to face the reality. GOD may have different plans. Believe in yourself

Rosegarden · Apr 9, 2018

Thanks for your reply. After second sets of events,he admitted his mistakes and said he don't have anything to do with any other women now. He said he might have hurt me. His ego is not allowing him to bend more. He said he is not doing anything wrong for the last four years. But I am not able to trust him. I am not able to move forward. He never apologized the way I think it as an apology. He never helped me to to heal. I am not able to forgive him because he never thought about about his kids. The situation is like too good to leave but too bad to stay as he is a good person otherwise.

lavani · Apr 9, 2018

Rosegarden said: ↑

Thanks for your reply. After second sets of events,he admitted his mistakes and said he don't have anything to do with any other women now. He said he might have hurt me. His ego is not allowing him to bend more. He said he is not doing anything wrong for the last four years. But I am not able to trust him. I am not able to move forward. He never apologized the way I think it as an apology. He never helped me to to heal. I am not able to forgive him because he never thought about about his kids. The situation is like too good to leave but too bad to stay as he is a good person otherwise.
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Please understand. Words are important for you. but from men side it is actions that matters. If he totally transparent and you can see his phone , his internet and he has no issue. Trust will automatically build up. he needs to come in terms with that.

this is just my suggestion.