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Dilemma- Leave Or Stay

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rosegarden, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    If you work, then why don't u divorce him. Your kids will be better off in the long run.
    Get child support from him
    He can always visit his kids.
    I feel you are looking for reasons not to separate from him.
     
    Rosegarden likes this.
  2. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Hi rosegarden
    I am really sorry for your situation. You know our mental health drives our physical health. In some post you mentioned that you have some health issues. Believe it or not dear but its the manifestation of the negativity that you are carrying inside yourself for so many years.
    Please think about it . Suppose your husband agrees for counselling and you both get counselled and he promises to come clean etc .will you be able to believe him again?
    As it is you have done enough damage to yourself as a person
    life is short dear. I don't see you leading normal life with him anytime soon. Its better to separate for your peace of mind. Your kids will be better off with a peaceful mother than the one who is unhealthy and negative.
     
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  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Rosegarden, u said u feel peaceful when he is not at home and start to worry as soon as he approach the house. And also that he is very social and gentleman otherwise.
    Try doing this. Don't leave him alone at home to indulge in any chats. Let you or the kids be near him all the time. Plan your activities that you give him least privacy to indulge in such acts. He is otherwise a good father right, so he won't do it front of kids. You slowly make up your mind that he is a good man and won't do it in your presence. Tell him that you would leave if he chats in front of u.

    As long as he is not doing it in front of you, it should not be a big deal as he at least respects you as a person to hide it. There would be many shameless guys who would do it with the knowledge or presence of their spouse. So u are comparatively lucky.

    Tell you mind a hundred times that he has changed. And if at all you find him repeating the mistake then leave him.

    As long it is limited to virtual life you should be okay to ignore it. If extended to real life then name and shame is the only option left.
     
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  4. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    I sincerely respect your hurt feelings because of your man's repeated interactive sessions in the virtual world.

    You have mentioned that you personally know 1 old woman with whom he interacted in such sleazy chat sessions. I really doubt how it can happen, because of the following reason.

    It is true that some married women around chat with other men, in such chat rooms.

    But those women who share their nude photos etcetera with men in chat rooms ARE NOT REAL WOMEN.

    They are basically Robo softwares, system generated regular chat conversations. Behind every such Robo software operated websites there will be hundreds of nude womens photos and tens of thousands of regular chat conversations.

    These choreographed chat conversations are shared with the man who chats ,depending upon what question he types.

    Now let us assume your husband gets a determination to meet one souch woman in real life. Even if he puts his entire wealth at stake , he cannot meet these women who created this Robo software chat conversation sessions. (All he can do with money is ,he can meet a sex worker on street corner or in the neighborhood).

    These chat session women can never be met in real life.

    I am not sharing this technical information to say what your husband is done is right.

    He is wrong because he has been insensitive and he has offended you.

    But it is worth giving a thought to the above information, if you want to divorce him based on the single fact that he has done repeated such chat sessions in internet. You yourself confirm that he had no real physical relationship with any other woman in the real world

    I can prove what I said above:

    you your self create user ID say that you are a man. Enter into a chatroom. Tens of nude women's photos and thousands of conversations, you will face.

    Just ask 2 following questions: " how are you?"

    " I am a man in 30s I want to talk".

    It requires only an average intelligence to understand that these are basically not real women but are wisely choreographed computer-generated conversations. Within 10 minutes of having started a conversation you will yourself understand what my point is..
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2018
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, silentlistener has a point. Your hurt and feelings are understandable. With so much stake, and how the young and old other than you will also be impacted, give some thought to silentlistener's post.

    Perhaps joining a chatroom is not a palatable option for you? How about, having an open discussion with your husband about chat rooms and what goes on there. Maybe ask about what silentlistener has posted. If you can manage to be a little detached and display a temporary curiosity about how the chatrooms (or similar places) work, it might lead to a deeper conversation with your husband.

    Going through the heartache of a divorce for his conversations with a possible robot ...
     
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  6. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    @silentlistener Thanks for sharing info on Robot based chat rooms. But I guess in that case they use English . In the beginning he used Yahoo chat rooms to random people. But I noticed a group of women chat in native language. If someone wants to chat, they can use Indusladies inbox to chat.. he used to talk to selected few in many forums like that. I could trace it because I have good knowledge on PC. If it was someone else they would have never traced it, especially second time.They all appeared to be in real love. I even contacted some and told them to marry my husband. Or stop. They said it is just for fun and nothing else. But I think they were all unhappy with their own marriage

    Second time I noticed some of them again. I don't know how he kept the contact with them. The women and her husband were like family friends. What understood it was like that for many years. But somewhere chat and call between dh and her turned to something unimaginable, especially during my second pregnancy. I contacted her husband anonymously by sending the photo she shared and it became big mess. After lot of pleading from her and my dh, I helped her to get out. Her husband still don't know it was my dh who cheated him being a good friend. She completely stopped all contacts . If I want I can contact her husband again. I never expected it from her. My husband later told me, he don't have any thing but respect for that couple, can I behave normal and keep that friendship, may be to keep a good face infront of her dh. I told him I will never forgive her. Still her dh is in Facebook friends list of both of us. I don't know how my dh can behave so cool with him. Second time it was really difficult to collect evidence. He used multiple fake gmail ids for that. All those women used to call him to his workplace and even chatted during work time . Unbelievable .

    Now I am not sure what is going on. He says he is not doing anything wrong. I don't have evidence. Each time he found better methods. I don't have access to his mobile.

    @Rihana , it's not robot real persons whom dh never met, except the woman I mentioned above. I am not sure if he knows another one in person. My guess is only from the chats. I dont have any problems if he chats with his female friends. But after the second set of events I lost my blind belief in anyone.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2018
  7. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    He used to chat in front of me only in the beginning . I thought they are his friends and even said hi to them. Later I realised that they were not his friends. Later he became super smart and hide it. I don't know how to trust him. If there is no trust ,how can one love .
    It affected me beyond my imagination , I try to ignore it,but I can't love him,instead my mind says I hate him. I wish there is a switch that can remove those events from my memory. I am sure he is not going to leave me or kids to purse another women. I even told him I am ready to give divorce if he wants to marry another one. He is not ready to be transparent as he wants his privacy.

    @fourthaugust ,@Sunshine04
    Yes, my health has been affected beyond my control due to the negativity

    In the last two years I had multiple hospitalizations. I am worried who will take care of my kids if I need it again. Who will take me to hospital and back.No one here to support. My job also demands journey, who will take care of kids that time. I don't have much idea on how one can manage kids alone here.

    Thank you all for your replies. Sorry for typing errors .
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2018
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  8. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    Yes sweetie he is cheating! Here the wife is at the receiving end. In marriage there are problems due to other people of the house like in laws or extended relatives or teen age kids , poor finance etc... But when the marriage itself is in question one tends to lose heart, not think straight, have self doubts, become pessimistic etc... This is natural but as long as its a passing phase its ok... But dwelling in it more and more can be just a waste of time ... so hereafter for you its waste of time & energy thinking of changing Him . You have been very accomodative and forgiving. You have sensibly taken steps to change this for yourself and him. Your marriage with him is literally over dear... Please calm your mind and try accepting this. It's not your failure. Its his loss and you are better off without him. Some bad karma! It's not easy to be a good companion in difficult times. You have been through a bad phase, end it here! You have still emerged as a good mom, good dil and good home maker at domestic and finance front. Do not weigh down your mental wellbeing by what his friends /society will think or react. You have taken charge of your life when it was breaking apart, just like that spear head your and kids life to a happier next level. Take courage in separation.. You arent doing anything wrong.Everyone in this forum thinks similar. They have genuinely understood and rightly advised you. Your parents at old age will understand, they aren't weak minded. Few days of shock or unpleasantness. That's all.. don't worry about that. I am sure his family will not dare to tell you to change your decision.. They are naturally worried for their son... But will support you. And if he needs you in his lifel let him change himself. Think how you will deal this initiation (of separation) with your kids. They are small and dont know about their fathers ill habits. Take steps to totally ignore him. Be in your room when he is around. Do not reply/talk to him at all.... Kids and others will slowly get a hang of things that.. alls not well.... Spend time with your kids. Tell your mind to slowly stop thinking of him. Dear i have done these to come out of my own different problems.... Our mind once trained slowly will not get perturbed by others actions and reactions... It takes time effort and its not easy at all.... But try.. even i lose it all the time... But I am seeing small changes and you dont know till u experience how encouraged you feel with even little positive outcomes....All the best..Peace be upon you. God be with you. Get busy in planning your life without your husband.
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,you husband is a shameless cheat. On top of that he thinks he is too smart to get away with it.
    He is also unmindful of how his cheating is effecting you and your health .He has some gall to ask you to be normal with that woman he was cheating with. Shameless guy.
    He cheats as a husband ,he cheats as a friend .He is cumpulsive cheat with no scruples.

    You don't have to consider his feeling . Do things at your convenience,at your pace.
    You say you are not in good health ,so you will find it difficult to manage alone. Then don't separate till you get your health back.

    1) first step..tell him you are no longer his wife and he is no longer your husband . You will henceforth just be the parents of your kids living together for the sake of kids.
    Once you stop thinking of him as your husband ,you will no longer be disgusted by his acts. He is just a stranger with a sexual problem .

    Take your time to get your health back . Start yoga,excercises,eat better,meditate....whatever works for you. Once you know you are working towards freedom,you will feel less suffocated in the house with him.

    Take your time to work out your finances. Invest heavily for children and retirement.

    Work towards making your children more independent and teach them to help you out with little chores.

    2)When you are sorted out, and feel you can try out temporary separation ,do it.

    This is the time to talk about separation from husband .
    By this time you would have emotionally separated yourself from him and can deal with him better. Tell him you want him in childrens life but not yours.
    Sit with him and work out the best solution.
    If you have a house,then sell it to buy two units close by so that he can help out with kids.
    Work out the best child support he can provide.

    3) When you have this worked out.....file for amicable divorce so that children are least effected.

    Inform both sets of parents and inform them that not much is changing except you are now legally separating . Assure them and keep them in your team .It will help you.

    Take as much time as you need . One year,five years or more. Do things at your pace and convenience .

    Best wishes op.
    You do not have to suffer so much .
    And you do not have to do it alone .He has far more to lose. His family ,his reputation and his face in front of the kids. Make him work to keep all this. Make him help you get out of this situation.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2018
  10. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Create a fake email id and chat with him. Chat with him and find out more about his feelings, thoughts, future. You have till now been a very bold woman and managed it so well. I appreciate your intelligence in handling the situation with the photos of the known old lady. Play a game with his feelings. Try to be an attention seeker on the chat and play the same game with him. Find out how he will react to different situations. You could use that as an evidence.

    To be honest with you, as long as he is not physically or emotionally involved with real women you need not worry a lot.
     

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