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Dilemma- Leave Or Stay

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rosegarden, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I feel for your situation. What ur h did and doing is mere cheating. I can easily type here to go for divorce, but reading your post I sense you are not at all ready for it. becoz, you stated in ur post that somewhere you hv love for him.And knowing his addiction u decided to divorce after sisters marriage, then why you brought in two lives in confused marriage. My suggestion is try temporary separation, a year or two, see how you feel and how he behaves and then decide. Your inlaws are good, take your kids and stay with them, if you don't want to hurt anyone coz of divorce. never compare them with alcohol or drug addiction . people with this kind of sex addiction will not change how muchever effort we put in. if at all any change is there, it wud be 3 women from 10. sorry to disappoint you, but this is my honest opinion. womaniser changing to a dedicated husband will happen only in drama, in real life i never even heard of such stories.
     
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  2. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    If i were in your situation. I will keep record of *** chats, will apply for divorce. I will inform his parents and sibling abt reason for divorce. Will cont my relatiobship with inlaws. If i have girl, i will be extra cautious while *he visiting her father. I won't opt for counselling or therapy
     
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  3. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for sharing your experience, especially a kids perspective.

    After the second incident, I didnt know what to do with a newborn baby and another one to take care as I dint have anyone to help in USA. Also I felt bad that my second one wont get a chance to experience fathers love. So gave him another chance. But I told him if he repeats again, if those come in my way, I will separate/divorce. He gets angry if utters a word about it and tells he is Mr clean now and gave up all his ***ting habits and not in contact with anyone. To be frank, I am not able to believe him as it was the same he told me at the beginning also. After one year after this incident I came to know he visited a stri*club and a spa with happy ending. That was too much for me. That time I told his parents about it. I have all the evidence I collected but he became super smart to hide everything. His parents told me that it is totally unacceptable, but only I can rebuild this life. I told them if he repeats again I will walk away. They are really worried that his son behaved this way. I told them to keep it with them.

    I dont have any clue of his activities as he keeps phone and everything to himself. He promised transparency that time. But recently I realized that he changes all the pw of his accounts. If I question him for anything, he gets furious that issue is with my mind as he is not doing anything wrong. He talks as if I spoiled his life.
     
  4. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    He is not ready for it. I thought I may need some professional help to release all those negative thoughts and feelings. I even talked to family doctor about it and collected a list of counselors.

    Can someone guide me what type of counselling or therapy I should go for. Marriage counselling or any other. I dont have any clue. I dont have any one to help me . As long as he is my husband I dont want to spoil his dignity by informing any friends here. Thats why I am keeping it my self. My internal turmoil is giving me lot of stress and I became a regular visitor of hospitals. I tried my level best to deviate thoughts, but realized that I hate him and not able to forgive him, the way I imagined.

    Thanks @Sandycandy for sharing your grandma's experience. very positive one. But husband is not able to understand the harm his actions did to my mind even though he admits that it was a mistake
     
  5. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    He admitted his addiction to watch *** long back and went for counselling for two days. But he became uncomfortable that he has to tell everything to a stranger . So he stopped it. I am a person of principles and it is difficulty to forgive me that I am adjusting with a cheater. I told him many times after the second set of events, that happened 6yrs back that we have to go for counselling. When ever I utter a world he became very angry and furious. He once became so angry ,broke vacuum cleaner ,came to me like he is going to attack . I told him if he moves a bit I will call 911. Thats when he stopped it. He said he admitted his mistakes and he is not doing anything. It my fault that I am getting suspicious of his actions for no reason. It is my mistake. I am a dirty woman in thinking according to him. For the last two years my sixth sense is telling me ,something is wrong. I get tensed the moment I saw him or when he is at home. Rest of the time I am OK. I am seriously considering, counselling or therapy. I dont know whom I should approach.

    He is commenting like I should not be concerned about his morality. I told him if not, he has no right to be my husband. Is it right. Morality is not important ?
     
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rosegarden He cheated not once but multiple times and u are carrying the burden of the acts ..alone. Some marriages survive cheating some don't. What u need is professional counseling. Hopefully as u both work with her/him u will be able to figure out whether u can truly move on and rebuild the marriage or not. Its not a guarantee but an honest attempt.
    Threats " I will leave u next time " never work.
    Work with the present. Keep it simple. " I need closure. U cheated and I am not able to get over it. We need professional counseling. If u cannot even commit to that then I am leaving NOW". If ur husband cannot even drag himself to a counsellor then u really dont have a marriage. Work on ur financial independence . Its a matter of time. He will cheat again if he isnt already.
     
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  7. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, that is what I am inclining to do. Counselling or divorce.
     
  8. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel that he is addicted and he gets more satisfaction that way than normal ***. I am only worried about kids. I work and similar or more than him. But now a days I am not able to focus much. I am getting less productive that worries me a lot.
     
  9. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    This is exactly what happened- I lost myself. I became a shadow of me from a bright happy women to sad bitter negative suspicious woman. That is what scares me. I want to back to my better version.

    He is very social and I am kind of reserved. If I say he has this issue, people wont believe me as he has such a better impression among everyone. People may blame that it is my suspicious nature not his fault . May be he can talk that way. He did the same to me that I spoiled his life. Even though he admitted his mistake he never apologized the way I want or never gave any emotional assurance. I told him many times that I need his emotional support to heal myself. But he is not able to understand it.
     
  10. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    I tried to ignore him and live. But it is tough living in the same house. I get anxiety attack when he is there,if not I feel at peace. This behavior of me scares me . That is why I thought to seek independent opinion here. He always blame me for everything which I cannot digest. I never got a chance to enjoy married life the way I thought.Within few months I lost everything. He is good person in other aspects. But this 1% is spoiling other 99% -at least in my thought.
     
    nju likes this.

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