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Dilemma- Leave Or Stay

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rosegarden, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry for long post
    I have been married for 15 yrs. After few months into marriage, I came to know that my husband, of arranged marriage, s** chat with many women, mostly married women, through chat rooms , watching p*** &*mast***. He was doing this even when I was with him. I dint know what was happening behind my back, till I came to know about it by chance, as I was too innocent and naive. I was shattered. I lost all my respect and love to him within those few months. But he was behaving like a very loving husband to me. I was confused what is real. Is it acting.

    I confronted him and he said he dint know that it is wrong, he just continued what he was doing before marriage. If I can forget it, he is a good person or husband in all other aspects , but I cannot. I didn't know what to do as my parents were in very bad health condition, still they are. Also my sister was very young. I thought I will wait till she gets married as my divorce may affect her marriage being from traditional family. So I kept it my self. I have a feeling that he destroyed my life. He was the first man in my life. But he had many platonic love affairs before marriage in person and online.

    But fate was against me. My first child was born before my sisters marriage which happened after 5 year into marriage. I dint have any proof that he is doing anything wrong. So I continued with the belief that he changed. I started to accept him as my husband but was never able to love him like a wife. I came to know he started similar things again just after the birth of my second one (now 6yrs). I noticed many women from his chat history before including an old women whom I know in person, shading nude photos showing bodies etc. I felt like he was cheating me all those years. He never had any physical relationship with any, only virtual as those women are not in USA. My PILS were with me that time. They are very good people. I didn't want to give them any pain when they are in my home.

    I quested him after they went to India, and he said he was bored!!! and it has nothing to do with me. I don't know why he behaves to me, he is highly educated, educated family, good parents & has everything a person can ask for. He is gentle man to others. But not in virtual world, that only I know . After this, my mind filled with revenge, anger, frustration, hate and what not all negative feelings. I am a positive person and these feeling were strange to my mind. It started affecting my health and now I am a sick person, unhealthy, unhappy, what else. It took me many years to cool down. To every one we look like a normal couple and I try my lever best not to create any issues and maintains a peaceful home. So my kids dont have any clue that something is wrong

    Some where I still love him, he is first and last man in my life so far, but not like I think a wife should love husband, i dont like to be intimate , I dont have any passion, attraction or anything .I feel like he destroyed my love and s** life. I am living like a room mate. I get a relaxed feeling when he is not in home. The moment I saw him all those hatred will come to my mind. I maintain minimum communication with him thats all and behaves normal. No other type of abuse exists.

    What I understood is that I am not able to forgive, or forget or trust him. It is affecting my peace of mind., my health, my career etc. On the other hand he appears ok, take care of kids, help me in household cores in all other aspects. He dont want to talk this topic or go for counselling as he thinks there is no issue. He thinks he accepted his mistake and not doing anything wrong. But I am not able to believe or trust him. I told him if he want divorce or marry anyone, I am ready to give him divorce. But he is not as he thinks kids will be affected.

    His parents & relatives are very nice to me and I am very comfortable with them. My kids are also attached to them than my parents who are not well. If I go for divorce, my parents , his parents every one will face humiliation. My kids life will be affected. I don't know how to handle everything alone. I don't know what to do. I am a person of integrity. I am not able to forgive my self that I am living with a person who spoiled my life. The moment I see him, instead of feeling happy, I get stressed and all those come to my mind, including hatred. It is not good for my health which is deteriorating. I tried to deviated my attention. But it si not working. This confusion is going on for the last 6yrs. It is getting worse per day. All my dreams about married life is ruined. I hate him to the core. I feel very lonely.

    My brains says go for divorce as it may give me mental peace but my heart says no as it affect many. Now I am the only person affected it look like.

    Please give your suggestions -what is the smartest and best way to face this situation.? Divorce or not.What you will do if you face similar situation. Thanks
     
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  2. peoc

    peoc Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am extremely sorry for your situation. I have been in the same state but in a different perspective. My father was exactly the kind of man you described above. Sadly it was me who caught him doing these things when I was 12 years. I reported it to my mother and a lot of problems arose from it. At the age of 16, when my dad's online affairs continue to the real world, my mother decided to leave.

    I can answer this question from a kids perspective. My mother decided to stay with him and used kids as an excuse for the longest time. She was worried about our future and what society would think, etc etc. But as kids, it was absolutely unhealthy for me to grow up in that environment. I hated my dad for all the things he did. I also hated my mom for using me as an excuse to stay with him. I kept pressing her to leave. Everything got better after my mom left. I honestly felt peaceful! I am sure my parents did too. Never think your kids don't know what is happening. Kids these days are extremely smart to catch situations like this.

    Things like this never ever get better. But you should ask yourself if it is worth it putting yourself through all this. Like you said yourself, it only gets worse. It's great that you have a good relationship with your in-laws. Do you think they will take your side when matters come to separation? You should see what works best for you and your kids. Do you trust him to give him one last chance? Did you confront him directly and tell him that you are willing to leave him if he continues this? No one can make these decisions for you but yourself.
     
  3. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Rose garden , you deserve a hug !
    There are two problems here a) your husband’s addiction b) your lack of trust ( justifiable though)

    Your husband needs treatment to get over his addiction. The fact that this happens with women he knows ( and you know) is beyond disturbing. Ask him if he is willing to get help.

    You need counseling to be able to trust him again or just being able to get all the negative emotions out. Not for him, foryourself .

    If husband is reluctant to seek help it’s upto you to decide if it’s worth going through this torture every day. I think you deserve better .
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience and I couldn’t agree more with you. My paternal grandmother had separated from her spouse and raised her kids single handedly. My father had a wonderful and happy childhood and grew up into a well adjusted successful adult . While it wasn’t easy he has happy memories . He says there were times there was not enough food on the table but there was peace of mind , gratitude and contentment for and what they had. Above all respect for a mother that decided to take charge of her life and bring about a change instead of being unhappy and bitter. I am sure things would be very different had his mother stuck around for the sake of the kids.

    Again not judging anyone that decides to stay in a unhappy marriage but it’s also good for everyone to know that kids can thrive / flourish with a divorced mother .


     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op.....what your husband is addicted to is cheating ....
    Watching a bit of **** once in a while is considered normal but doing it regularly and interacting with other people is no different from having an actual affair or one night stands.

    You need to get him to accept that his behavior was adultery .
    His nonchalance behavior as if it was not a big deal is what s giving you anguish .

    Ask him how he would feel if you were doing it with other men . Ask him if he would be able to forgive you if you were doing this with strangers and even men he knew. Would he be able to lead a normal life with you then.

    Make him accept that he cheated and that he is addicted to interactive **** . Tell him it is not normal behavior and he cannot go around acting like a good gentleman when he is really a cheat. Let him know his behavior is no different from real world cheating .

    Tell him you need him to accept that it is wrong and go for therapy for you to ever be able to trust him again .

    Sandy is right...you need counselling . You are suffering and you need counselling for yourself .

    Don't be in a hurry. You are in no state right now to make sensible decision.If things don't work...then think about separation with a calm mind.

    1)Make him accept he is a cheater and his nonchalance is making you hate him. He has to accept his wrong doing.
    2)He has to get therapy for you to ever be able to trust him.
    3)You too go for counselling for your own sake.

    If he refuses....think of other options and let him know you are seriously thinking about it .
     
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    *** chat is definitely cheating! Doesn't matter if it was virtual- the person on other side is a real person, that too known to him...How can he say he did not know it was wrong and that it is considered cheating!!

    Force him to go for counselling. Really i feel peace is more important than everything else. Others will be affected little bit if you leave, but you will be affected most if you stay. So don't think so much about others- because you are suffering too much. Atleast he should feel remorse but he doesn't even want to go for counselling..You need to give him ultimatum regarding counselling. You will also feel better when you meet a joint counsellor and he acknowledges your hurt and pain. Because now, you are suffering alone and silently.


     
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  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    He seems like he's "addicted" to these sex chats. And doing that with known people is even more bewildering, it can escalate to the next level anytime, if it still hasn't.

    Sex addiction (any form of it) is also like alcohol addiction which needs to be treated. He most definitely needs treatment as he hasn't been able to break it off even after all these years.

    Since he's a good person otherwise, you can try a lil harder.

    One of my friend was stuck with an alcoholic husband, he refused counselling, many fights n a lot of drama, his parents blamed her, so nothing worked, finally she said pour for me too, if I can't fight it off, I will join in. She used to empty some bottle n say she drank it, he finally got scared n stopped. I dono if this will work in all cases, but depends on the people involved.

    If nothing works, give him an ultimatum, counselling or separation. And that the kids will suffer less with separated but peaceful household n parents with no bitterness n that you both will have a chance at a suitable partner n happiness. You don't have to be mean but don't shy away either.

    Regardless of staying or separating, you most definitely need counselling to get this out of your system.
     
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  8. kalpas

    kalpas Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi

    Very sorry to know about your situation. As others have rightly pointed out, both of you need to go for counseling. Your husband should be made to understand the fact that what he is doing is wrong and that he has been hurting you for so long.

    To be able to give back life to your lost relationship:

    1. Your husband should realize his mistake.
    2. He should apologize sincerely that he has hurt you.
    3. He should promise you is some way that he will never get back to that kind of behavior.
    4. If all these happen , you should ensure that you will definitely TRUST you husband erasing the past totally from your memory.

    This is not very easy. From whatever you have written, your feelings seem to be very deep rooted. Don't wait anymore. It will only aggravate the your emotions against him. start taking actions before it becomes beyond repair.

    As far as Divorce goes, you don't need to be afraid or guilty. Kids definitely give more respect to a mother who is able to stand up against wrong doings . If you as a single are able to play your role of a mother better than being in a relationship that is harming, then s single mom is better. At the right time, definitely kids will understand that the decision you took was the best.

    You are the best person to decided what you want. Some ladies may forgive and keep moving. Some may not and would want to walk away. Hurt is hurt is any way. Whatever the decision you take , be very convinced about it and stand by it.

    Don't lose yourself.

    Good luck
     
  9. kalpas

    kalpas Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree, Kids can thrive with a divorced mother. If as a mother you hold on to your principles and values , I am sure you can be a very good role model. to your children.
     
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  10. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    Very disturbing but its a fact in many households today!! . I know of a relative who is very respected and kind and a good human being. He is addicted to **** very deeply.He shares with all of us male/female cousins, dirty images, forwards, jokes etc.. He has done so much for all of us but has made it clear that he has an inclination like this. He has taken up different hobbies to switch off from this but he craves for it again n again so bad he says.... And he confided that he feels sexed up for many of his female relatives too! especially his in laws side. I Hated him at first but now that i know he respects other's sensibilities and follows societal norms& that he cannot bring harm toi anyone i kind of feel bad for him. He is the one in stress trying v hard to conceal his dark side which i felt rarely shows up.. Most times he is very lovibg, jovial, busy with his lonely type technical work which keeps him awYa from family for long periods!
    This was just another perspective I was trying to give. But here your ruining your life! Peace of mind and good environment for children and you is paramount. If you can separate from him and he takes care of you financially then its the best thing !! Otherwise you have to completely ignore him from your life. Sooner or later he and significant people in your life will get to know the reason behind your indifference towards him.. When others shun him he might start to reduce his offensive habit.
     
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