Dilemma- Career With Kids

BeingSoulful · May 19, 2023

Hi all,

This forum has always given me varied perspectives and helped me look at any situation with different approaches, I so appreciate the help and advice.

I moved to US 7-8 years ago with an MBA & 6+ years of experience in non IT. The job search & amount of rejections were not easy, I took up a less favorable job (on dependent visa) (just because the thought of being dependent on my husband was hard). We had our first child after 3years of me moving here. I was to take a break, to take care of the lil one.

Maternity break dint go like I thought, new motherhood bought so much happiness but also revealed a lot of layers in our marriage / relationship with in laws. I had zero support (My parents were not picture at all) & still would say we don’t have a great support system of any kind from the families.

Our child will turn 4 this year, I have returned to work almost a year ago & trying to making a career pivot into a tech role. Managing home / work & extremely clingy child has been very stressful. Our marriage was very shaky at some point 2 years ago & that’s when I decided to go back to work. ( to be financially independent & have some savings)

Now, we are working on making things better, healing, navigating careers (he has a hectic job too), taking care of our lil one. I have a lot pressure about another kid, I am not concerned about what the families or anyone else has to say about our choices but with time I have also started feeling like we need another child. After lots of discussion & talking to hubby we decided we should plan for another kid in a few months.

I am very tensed about seeing our life take this turn, we are comfortable where we are in terms of life in general. Thought of going through pregnancy/maternity phase again is bringing back the anxiety & postpartum nightmares I went through alone.

Hubby is helpful but unless told he won’t do a thing. He also asked me to take a step back in my career choices if we really want another child since his job will not allow any wiggle room for him. I am tensed & also don’t want to give up on my aspirations.

I would love to hear from you ladies how you managed going from one kid to two kids with a job in hand? I understand it will be work & efforts but also very excited about the thought of having my beautiful family.

I appreciate your words of wisdom, kindness & advice.

mangaii · May 19, 2023

What is the plan for childcare ? If you have live-in nanny that might help you.

swarnamary · May 19, 2023

i had my 2nd baby after 81/2 yr.. it was not planned but its a big suprise for us and at this time we are so ready for the baby as we are kind of settled,had house of our own and my husband was super duper happy when we found out its a GIRL..but when i compare how active i was with my 1st,2nd one i can see lot of difference, mainly the energy levels, i wish i had her earlier but now we are comfortable to take care of her even i take a day or two off days.

people they do make comments why you have only one, but they are not the coming to help you with anything just sitting somewhere and doing the talk, its you and your husband going to do everything as a team.. as now your older one is going to be 4, he will be mature enough to help you with little things, and can do mostly his own things.... but plan before so it will be easy, but pregnancy and baby is wonderful journey in once life dont spoil it with all other tension instead plan it good and work it out..sometimes in life you want one thing, we need to leave other one.. since you ready to have other kid, you can wait a while before you start working, after an yr or so if you are financially able you can have nanny at home to look after kid or if you okay can send to day care.

it would be wonderful if you find work from home job if you really really one but then you have to be prepared doing multi tasking..Good luck...

DDream · May 19, 2023

My suggestion is - dont give up.
Both, my kids (3y gap) were born in.USA, they joined daycare when they were around 8-10 months. Daycares are available for newborn babies onwards. I was not comfortable with nanny option, so opted this.Its not easy, but you can do it. Going for second one was one of the best decision in my life. We managed every thing for nearly three months, them my PILs joined, by the time every thing was on schedule.
You are in USA, dont fall into the trap of sacrifice of Indian mother. If you are healthy and no pregnacy complications, its do able. If its morning to evening job daycare alone is enough. Almost all of my friends managed the sameway. Those who gave up still struggling to get back to track. Every one is different. But, if you dont want to leave your job, dont do. You can manage it. Hire helps/ nanny if needed.

MalStrom · May 20, 2023

If your heart desires a second baby then go for it.
Many of us manage without family support. My parents came when my baby was born and were an invaluable help for nearly 6 months. My MIL is not in a position to travel. I took 4 months of maternity leave and found a wonderful in-home daycare right in my neighborhood. My parents left back to India in fall and were planning to come back and spend the whole summer with us. Everything looked perfect and then Covid struck. Overnight my daycare closed permanently, parents travel plans were out of question and I had a job which was 100% in-person. We really had to scramble to find new childcare arrangements and manage with the new reality but we made it through.
In your situation if you feel more secure with a job then try to make the rest of your life as easy as possible. Get a good childcare arrangement in place, hire house cleaners and yard maintenance, have groceries delivered, etc. so you can focus your free time on the kids. Try to make friends and create a support system within your community.

Thyagarajan · May 20, 2023

All of them have given you the ok for that ga-ga moment and please note that this is the right time for the second edition which you cherish for long. Please go ahead and all other things in mundane life can wait or shunted to back-burner.
Wish you all the best.
Regards.

GoneGirl · May 20, 2023

Hi OP

I too had thought about this for long and how I would manage having a second one, but we did.. this was one of the best decisions we made, especially being out of the country, I think my older kid was feeling a bit lonely.. The younger one has added so much love and joy to our family, that it made it all worthwhile. I found a good nanny to help me out with the kids, worth it in the long run even if we end up paying a big chunk of our pay. Also I took the longest amount of maternity leave as possible from my work place, a few months were without pay.. this helped a lot.

NOW · May 20, 2023

I completely agree with last response that even if you have to spend a lot on nanny and daycare options until the kids goes to elementary school, the financial independence and confidence you get from having a full time job is very valuable. This will help you shape your and your kids future and will in fact help you even more once kids start growing up too.. you may have a tough couple of years depending on your health, support system and resources available but is the best thing ever you can give your first child.